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So sorry to leave you all hanging. I have missed you all and I’m looking forward to catching up on what’s been going on with all of you. Here’s the poop on the last two weeks.

It has been two weeks since my surgery and I had two disappointments. The first was they were unable to place an epidural in me for pain control. I had an epidural with all four of my c-sections but this time they were trying to place it higher so I would have pain control from the chest down. The anesthesiologist didn’t like how my spine felt. I personally think he lacked the skill so I ended up with a Morhine PCA pump which does not manage pain as well as an epidural. The second disappointment was that my gyno cut my bladder during the hysterectomy. The chief of gynecology and pelvic floor reconstruction was called in to repair my bladder. He’s quite a piece of work, a balding Greek surgeon with short man syndrome and a God complex. I don’t completely fault him for it though since he does over 500 surgeries a year which means he spends more time in surgery than living his life. What I didn’t like was he chewed out a nurse in front of me for having my catheter tubing run over my leg rather than under. I still have the catheter in to rest my bladder while the repair heals. It has really sucked. My kids call the urine collection bag my pee purse. I’m having it removed tomorrow and tomorrow cannot come fast enough.

My surgery was nearly six hours long due to the bladder mishap. It took me nearly a week to sleep off the anesthesia. I don’t remember much of the first few days after surgery because I slept so much. I have a funny story though. The day before surgery some kind person (I’m being sarcastic) told my husband that some women lose their ability to have an orgasm after a hysterectomy. Needless to say my hubby was worried. I was not. I’m a nurse and had never heard such a thing. I wasn’t having my ovaries removed so I felt confident that my libido and ability to “O” would remain intact. It must have been on my mind though because as I was waking up from the IV sedation they gave me prior to putting in my epidural I noticed my gyno standing at my bedside. I grabbed his hand and slurred that I needed to ask him a question and I asked if I would still be able to have an orgasm. There were a lot of doctors and nurses at my bedside at this time and I’m sure they were laughing. My gyno assured me that I still would be able to “O” and he went out and set my hubby straight so he could stop worrying.

The first couple of days after surgery were hell and I had moments of “Oh, my God, what have I done?” I was in so much pain that I didn’t want to move and of course Nurse Ratchet made me get up and sit in a chair. I broke out in a cold sweat and got very nauseated. I was propped up in the most uncomfortable chair and puked my guts out in a little spit pan. I felt like my stomach was being cut with knives. I liked all my nurses except for this one. She just stood there and watched me puke. No comforting words or a cold wash cloth on my forehead then she left me sitting in the chair. The next day I refused to get up. No surprise I ended up running a fever and at two 0′clock in the morning I had blood and urine cultures obtained. Fortunately the fever was gone after a few days and with a lot of antibiotics.

I love my plastic surgeon. He is so encouraging and promising me how good I will look this summer in my swimsuit. His words kept me going when I felt like I couldn’t take another a day of feeling like crap. Each day I get a little better. The boob job doesn’t hurt too bad. I mostly feel like I did when my milk would come in and I would get real engorged. I no longer feel pain in my abdominal incision but just soreness. What has hurt the most is my stomach where the muscles were tightened and I still can’t walk straight. My hubby likes teasing me by stuffing his tee shirt and walking around bent at a 90 degree angle. I find humor in it now that I’m feeling better.

My kids look at me like I’m a freak science project. My son wouldn’t get close to me the first few days I was home. I also felt sorry for the poor young girl that helped me take my first shower in the hospital. I’m sure I was quite a sight with my swollen boobs that looked like torpedo’s, two JP drains hanging from my pubic area like hand grenades and an incision that runs hip bone to hip bone. I just keep reminding myself that this will all be worth it once I’m healed.

I’ve had a nice Christmas despite not feeling up to par. My sister is in town with her family which is always a treat since we see each other only once or twice a year. Our kids are having a blast together and it’s been great having her here to help me or as she puts it, “to be Kristie’s bitch”. Madeline who is eight busted me filling stockings on Christmas Eve. I put her back to bed with a story that I got up to get a glass of water and I walked in on Santa. He was running behind so I filled the stockings for him. She bought it and has been bragging to all her friends how her mom saw Santa. She is going to be very pissed when she finds out the truth which I’m afraid is going to be in the next year or so. I hope you all had a nice Christmas and I look forward to catching up with everyone. I’ll post before and after photos once the swelling goes down and I can stand up straight.

Tomorrow is my surgery and I’m a nervous wreck. I’m the gloom and doom type and I’m worried sick that I’m going to be that small percentage of something going wrong. Why do I do this to myself? It must be my shitty childhood, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I really could use your prayers for an uncomplicated surgery and quick recovery. I may not be back in the blogging world until after Christmas so Happy Holidays to all my dear blogging friends.

It’s that time of year, friends. Cynical Santa is making the rounds once more….

If Santa answered his mail honestly…
Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin’ book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
——————————————–
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
———————————————-
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
————————————————
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay, I’ll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
————————————————–
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for yourreindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
——————————————————
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
————————————————
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.
Santa
————————————————————-
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
—————————————————-
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, first, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
Santa

I promise not to write about boobs anymore until after my surgery. I promise to not talk about how I finally decided on a size or that I’m losing sleep at night because I’m afraid I may end up with huge stripper titties. I promise to not talk about how I threw out all my old bras although I think a bra burning would have been more fun. Oh my, see how self absorbed I am? Seriously, no more boob talk. No more boob talk. No more boob talk.

I was hoping to post more this week since I’ll be MIA for awhile after my surgery. I’ve been so busy trying to get things done since I’ll be down for the count for a few weeks. Do you ever wish to be bored? I can’t even remember the last time I felt bored. Boredom just doesn’t happen when you have kids. Nothing ever goes as planned with kids in the house either. On Wednesday I wanted to drop by dentist’s office so they can look at my teeth to determine a shade for my crown. I’ve needed to do this for a couple of weeks now. Well I never made it there because while I was in the bathroom getting ready to leave Marigrace managed to get the lid off a bottle of calamine lotion. It happened so fast. I let her pull the band-aids out of the box so I could get my face on then I hear her say “Mmmmmm” which is her new trick that she does after drinking from a cup. I look down to find her drinking the calamine lotion. Not sure how much she drank because I don’t know how full the bottle was to begin with but it was now 1/4 empty and it was everywhere. I called poison control. I know their number by heart because we often called for Isabelle who we couldn’t get to eat anything but ate everything she shouldn’t. The nurse had me give her milk to coat her stomach. She said the worst that could happen is she would have a bad bellyache and vomiting which fortunately neither happened. I put her in the tub to make sure I got all the calamine out from her fingernails so she wouldn’t get it in her eyes. While bathing her she got red faced and started grunting. Before I knew it there was several turds floating in the tub. Jessica, I know you are getting a big kick out of this. Needless to say I never made it to the dentist.

Yesterday we had plans to meet a good friend for lunch to exchange Christmas gifts. No surprise that those plans got pushed back because someone did not shut the hamster’s cage door and they got loose. Miss drama Queen Madeline cried and carried on while the rest of us searched for them. I actually think it was a ploy to get out of looking for them because she headed over to a neighbor’s house claiming that she was just so upset. I’m going to be in big trouble with that one. I found them late last night in the laundry room where they must have slept all day. I must admit that I had thoughts of never finding them because I’m so tired of cleaning their cage but when I saw their sweet little faces looking up at me I felt thankful they were okay. Damn it!

I did manage to take the kids to visit Santa and got a cute photo.

I thought this was cute enough to share. It’s a note to Santa from Madeline.

I have two other things I also want to share. The first is a short clip of Santa and a stripper pole. The second is for inspiration. Have a great weekend!

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t041/xmas_santa.swf

http://www.walkthetalk.com/the212movie.php?refsource=vmlydia212

Go visit my slightly drunk renter. You’ll find him passed out in my sidebar. He has quite an interesting way of handling office profanity. Look at his profanity note at the bottom of his home page.

I must admit that I don’t have much to post about these days. Actually I do but I think you will all stop being my friend if I keep writing about what size implants I should get because that is all that is on my mind right now. I’ve turned into a boob obsessed woman! I’ve looked at hundreds of before and after photos and have even sent them to my sister for evaluation. She’s no longer answering my calls. Do you think she’s sick of hearing me talk about boobs? I check out women’s chests everywhere I go hoping to see a size I like. I haven’t found any I like which is probably a good thing because there’s no telling what kind of response I would get when I ask what bra size she wears. For the last two days I walk around with my bra stuffed to the size I think I want like some lab experiment. I’ve tried on sweatshirts, tee shirts, sweaters, and tank tops to see how my boobs will look. I know the mailman was checking out my chest and trying to figure out if my boobs were always this big. I wonder if he noticed that one side was bigger than the other? Did you know that 480cc of rice in a sock looks bigger than 480cc of oatmeal in a sock? Well now you do. I’m sorry I promised I wouldn’t talk boobs! See, I’m a woman obsessed! This is going to be the longest week of my life. I just want to get the surgery over so I can breathe a sigh of relief. I’m a nurse so I know too well what can go wrong but I also know the odds are good that the surgery and recovery will be free of complications. I just worry that I’ll be that small percentage that has a serious complication. I would hate for friends and family to think that I wanted a flat tummy and big boobs so bad that I was willing to die for it. Oh dear, this is much too morbid thinking! Onto a meme to take my mind off my surgery. This is a meme that I was kind of, sort of tagged with by Underwear Girl.

1.Explain what ended your last relationship?

The guy was a gorgeous paranoid freak. He thought everyone was out to get him and even accused my sis and I of trying to poison him with a pot of chili. I put up with this psycho for as long as I did only because he was so damn good looking and great in bed.

2. When was the last time you shaved?

Yesterday. Speaking of shaving, have you seen the photos of Britney Spears shaved vajayjay?

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?

Trying on a swimsuit and stuffing it with oatmeal filled socks.

4.What were you doing 15 minutes ago?

Giving Marigrace chocolate kisses so I could read blogs.

5. Are you any good at math?

No. I had to take a high school math class to get accepted into nursing school. How do you think my patients would feel if they knew that?

6. Your prom night?

I went with a friend because no one asked me but then ended up meeting the guy that I would date for the next four years. I told my friend that I had to go home right after prom. He dropped me off then I went and met my new boyfriend.

7. Are you related to anyone famous?

Nope.

8. Did you have to take a loan out for school?

Yes and then the first year I was married my sweet hubby paid off my loan and credit card bills. God love him!

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?

I don’t use Myspace.

10. Last thing received in the mail?

The pink Gameboy I won off Ebay for Isabelle.

11. How many different beverages have you had today?

It’s 9:20am and I’ve already had 2 Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper’s.

12. Do you ever leave messages on peoples answering machine?

Most of the time. Sometimes I burp or fart on them also.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?

Adam Ant and The Romantic’s. I was 13 and snuck out of the house. I still remember what I wore; a white and light blue Pat Benatar type of mini-dress that had holes and hung off one shoulder with fishnet stockings. I was a wild girl!

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?

I have but I prefer to make footprints.

15. What was the most painful dental procedure you have had?

A emergency root canal while the tooth was infected. It is very hard to numb infected tissue.

16. What is out your back door?

Who cares? A deck with a hot tub and pool if you care.

17. Any plans for Friday night?

I have a date with the bathtub and People magazine.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?

No, it’s very difficult to get the sand out.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorn?

Yes and I re-gifted it.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?

Yes.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?

Yes, mainly because my parents never did and I did the laundry. It pissed me off. What’s the big deal? It’s not like your wiping butt with it. Hang it up to dry and it’s good to go for the next shower.

22. Some things you are excited about?

No periods, big boobs, and a flat tummy!

23. Favorite flavor of Jello?

Strawberry

24. Describe your keychain(s)?

Gym card, three keys, and car remote. Boring.

26. Where do you keep your change?

My wallet, the bottom of my purse, and my car.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own?

I’m coat obsessed. I have a short black coat with cheetah print lining, black leather, long white and black velvet, Cabi tapestry coat, and a long black coat with funky embroidery and fake fur.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day?

High school was warm and sunny. Don’t remember college, it was winter so probably cold and dreary.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?

Open.

30. Did U read this far? Consider yourself tagged or else I’ll keep writing about boobs!

It has been a crazy couple of days. We had a wicked ice and snow storm blow through here. I lost my internet until today but I consider myself lucky because there are still hundreds of thousands of people without electricity.

On Thursday I braved the bad weather for a doctor’s appointment along with all the French toast people in a hurry to get eggs, milk, and bread because they just might get snowed in for a day or two. I just don’t get that mentality. My new ride handled the ice and snow very well which is good since driving in inclement weather makes me very anxious. Hubby was out of town of course. Seems like bad weather and things going wrong always happen when he’s gone. That night I got maybe a total of three hours sleep. I went to bed late to start off and my neighbor locked herself out of her house while letting her dogs out. She was in her pajamas and slippers and nearly killed herself walking to my house in the ice storm. After much searching I found where I had her spare key because as usual nothing is ever in it’s place around here. I finally got to bed around 12:30 am but couldn’t fall asleep because my surgery is for December 12th which means I have a lot to do before then but more on that later. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t sleep because Isabelle had a cough that was keeping her up. She would cough until she vomited and complained of a tummy ache. This went on for an hour and half before the medicine kicked in and knocked her out. Just as I fell asleep Connor climbed in bed with me because he heard thunder and was scared. I tried to convince him that it doesn’t thunder during snow storms but come to find out that there was thunder and lightening with the crazy storm. It took awhile to fall back asleep because of Connor’s snoring and he practically slept on top of me. I must have fell asleep around 3am but was awoken at 3:15am by a loud beep. I listened for a few minutes and then I heard another beep so I got up and stood in the hall trying to determine if it was the smoke alarm or the carbon monoxide detector. I couldn’t tell so I took the carbon monoxide detector and plugged it into a socket in the kitchen. My dog Sonny was acting weird so I let him outside. While I was waiting for him to finish his business the monoxide alarm went off with a blare and a red flashing light. I about crapped my pants. I hit the reset button and let Sonny back in. I waited for it to alarm again figuring that if there was carbon monoxide in the house it would have to alarm again. The thing is nearly ten years old so I was skeptical about it’s reliability. After ten minutes it didn’t alarm and I had checked on the kids and they were all still breathing. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t stop my mind from worrying that my hubby would come home to find us all dead or worse that the kids died and I lived. It didn’t help that Sonny kept pacing between the bedrooms. So I got up and called the fire department. My gut told me that the alarm was defective but I figured better safe than sorry. I asked the operator to make sure that the fire truck didn’t come with lights and sirens because I didn’t want to scare the kids. The truck came with four firefighters which surprised me. I would have figured it was a busy night with the bad weather. They all had walky talky’s that were extremely loud in my quiet house and they all talked way to loud. I asked them to talk in a quiet voice but they all looked at me like I was a neurotic mommy. Okay so I am a bit neurotic but they still could have been a little more quiet. Fortunately the kids never woke up. They tested my house and their reader showed no carbon monoxide levels. Turns out that carbon monoxide monitors only reliable for a couple of years. I felt a little dumb but at least I could sleep knowing we were safe which I finally did until 7am when the kids got up. Let me tell you there is nothing worse than being snowed in with my kids plus three neighbor kids when exhausted and no internet! It was a long day. I did get the rest of my Christmas decorations up and I’m power shopping this weekend. I’m feeling a bit stressed with all I need to do before my surgery. In case you’ve forgotten I’m having a hysterectomy and getting a flat tummy and new boobies while I’m under. I’m trying to make a decision about what size implants I should get and it’s much more difficult than I expected. I’m definitely doing silicone but how many cc’s and what shape? Should I do a moderate or high profile? I would appreciate any feedback from you girls that have implants. I’m currently a 36B and I don’t want to go to big but I don’t want to go too small either. I’m going to the bra shop today for a consultation. Hopefully they will be a big help with my decision. Also if anyone has had a tummy tuck I’m curious to how painful it will be and for how long? I’ve had four c-sections so I’m not a stranger to surgical pain. I deal okay as long as I have drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

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