Jan

31

Not enough time

It’s a busy week for me so I don’t have time to visit let alone write something interesting. But you are here and I don’t want to leave you with nothing so here is a funny about a wife staying out too late. I’ve also posted a video of the farting preacher because as you know I find farts quite funny.

I was cracking up this morning at what google words have brought people to my blog. I had one for “do farts have calories”. Are you kidding me? I think this poor soul is hoping to lose weight by farting. If that were true I’d be the size of a toothpick!

Thank you Rhonda and Shannon for all the funny stuff.

Enjoy!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married…

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed…3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”.

He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why?, he said, well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh. shit”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Jan

30

Inner Calmness

Filed Under funny | 10 Comments

My life is too hectic right now to put my thoughts into words. I’ll leave you with some advice for inner calmness which I’m greatly in need of.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use
a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr.
Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle
of Kaluha, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the
rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom
you think might be in need of inner peace.

Jan

26

A car and a crack spider’s bitch

Filed Under funny, video | 15 Comments

Here are two videos too funny to not share. The first is a commercial of a couple fighting “War of the Roses” style over their Rav4. The second is about spiders on drugs. It’s hysterical! The end is the best.

Jan

21

Got busted!

Filed Under Uncategorized | 26 Comments

It’s no secret that I’m a chocoholic. (Did you notice my new flashy button in my sidebar?) I hoard the stuff and have little hiding places that my family always seem to find. I really hate sharing my chocolate stash so at times I hide my chocolate in places that I don’t think my family will find. Last night I did the weekly grocery shopping and picked up a box of Hostess Chocolate Donettes which I had no intentions of sharing with the kids. I put them in the dryer so they wouldn’t be seen. Once everyone is asleep I put them in a baggy and hide it in the back of the pantry. I thought the dryer was a great hiding place since I’m the only one who does laundry. Well guess who opened the dryer? My hubby! The man rarely opens the dryer. If he’s looking for something he’ll ask me first because he’s hoping I’ll get it for him. What was he looking for? I was checking email when I heard him open the dryer door. Shit! Normally I would blame it on the baby with a “Oh, that’s where Marigrace put them. We looked everywhere!” but she had been asleep since before I went grocery shopping. Totally busted! Hubby walked in the kitchen with the Donettes in hand and asking why they were in the dryer? I told him that I was hiding them so the kids wouldn’t eat them up in one day and would he please put them back. Should have seen the smirk on his face. He totally knows I’m lying. How embarrassing! He’s Mr. Will Power who has probably never binged on anything besides beer in his life. So there they sit unopened in the dryer. I’m just waiting for him to ask where they are and if they are open I will have to share them. It’s killing me! I hate knowing those little chocolate gems are here in the house. I almost can smell them. What is wrong with me? Do I need Chocoholics Anonymous? Are you a food hider? Talk to me.

Jan

20

Got busted!

Filed Under addictions, confessions, neurosis | 26 Comments

Jan

16

I’m a cheat, a sneak, and a liar

Filed Under desperate housewives, kids, parenting, slacker mom | 23 Comments

Okay, so I’m feeling “normal” again since my surgery and I’ve got a needy, clingy 13 month old who is preventing me from getting anything done. She’s my last and I try very hard to live in this moment because I know it goes way too fast BUT I’m so overwhelmed with catching up on everything I got behind on during my recovery. I forgot how your life revolves around your infant’s schedule. I feel more like a spy than a mom. When she’s busy playing by herself I sneak around her out of fear that she may see me and want to be picked up. I’ve gone as far as throwing her pacifier or a favorite toy in the room to keep her happy before she gets bored and seeks me out. I give her chocolate or fruit snacks so I can go pee by myself or start dinner. I NEVER would have done that with my first two. Then there’s the waiting game. Waiting for it to be nap or bedtime and waiting for her to poop so I can put her down to sleep. Once she’s asleep I dash around trying to get as much as I can done before she awakens. Wouldn’t it be nice if they could tell us how long they plan to nap? I’m afraid to start a big project because I never know if she is going to sleep one or three hours. I’m also a liar. I tell her things are “hot” so she won’t touch them. Poor things. Their entire childhood is full of little parental white lies. My oldest is still traumatized at eight about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I mean really, it’s kind of freaky to think a fat man in a red suit comes in the house while we are sleeping and a giant bunny hops in and hides eggs. I’ve had moments where I wanted to let her off the hook and just tell her the truth so she can sleep without worries. She is going to be very pissed at me when she finds out the truth. Did I mention how I treat my baby like a dog while I have precious ‘puter time? I feed her crackers or cheetos while she sits at my feet. Want to know how I got through having the kids home from school yesterday? I took them to Target and let each of them pick out a new toy so they would have something to do besides fight or whine that they are bored. So there you have it; confessions of how a slacker mom gets through her day. Please don’t judge me too harshly.

Jan

15

Finally feeling normal!

Filed Under Nip/Tuck, boobs, hysterectomy, tummy tuck | 10 Comments

It’s amazing how much your state of mind can change from one week to the next. Last week I felt like I would never feel good again and this week I’m elated with my new bod and actually looking forward to swimsuit season. Did I just say that? I haven’t been excited about buying a swimsuit since before kids. My energy is nearly back to 100%. I no longer need to take a nap but I do still need to go to bed early if I want to feel rested the next day. I’m finally standing straight although by evening I’m hunched over again. The best thing is the boost in my self esteem. I have achieved MILFhood!

Jan

7

Post surgery blues

Filed Under desperate housewives, desperate husbands, drama | 19 Comments

I’m nearly four weeks post op and feeling blue. This is a much longer recovery than I expected and I’m tired of being tired. I was starting to feel a return of my energy last Thursday and my plastic surgeon gave me the okay to start holding the baby. Thursday was also the last day that I had someone here to help me with the baby and hubby was out of town. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile you know that anytime hubby goes out of town something seems to go wrong around here. This night was no exception. I was up from 11:30pm until 3:30am dealing with a puking baby while running to the bathroom to squirt water out of my ass. Why do stomach viruses always show up in the middle of the night? I spent most of Friday in bed. Luckily my cleaning lady was here and helped me with Connor and Marigrace. This virus was the last thing I needed. It zapped what little energy I had and now I feel like I did the first week after surgery. It is seriously depressing me. I have watched so much TV that I feel like my brain is turning to mush. I nearly watched every episode of every season of America’s Next Top Model this week and now I’m dreaming about the model wannabes. Oh get your mind out of the gutter! Not that kind of dream but just reliving the episodes. I think it’s my way of getting off the pity pot I’m sitting on. To make matters worse I’m pissed at my hubby. He does not cope well at all with me not being my usual hyper self flying around here like my hair is on fire. We have had a lot of help so it’s not like he’s been doing my job for the last four weeks but he acts so put out. He wants to reap the rewards of my new bod but doesn’t want to do the work to help me recover. Often he makes me feel like I’m being a baby or lazy. He seems to think that if I walked more or exercised I would get better sooner. I have to keep reminding him that I did have major abdominal surgery that lasted nearly six hours with a significant blood loss. He’s not the only one who wishes I was back to my old self, I’m also tired of not feeling like myself. What bothers me most is his attitude comes off as if he doesn’t care about me which has led up to why I’m currently not talking to him. I just started driving last Wednesday and on Thursday and Friday I had to take the kids to school and pick them up, drive myself to my doctor appointment, feed and bathe the kids, and take care of a sick baby. On Friday I could barely do any of these things because I was so sick myself with a stomach bug. Talk about throwing me right back into life! Hubby flew home Friday night in just enough time to change for his soccer game. I never complained which was mistake number one. It seems I need to be a bitch to get him to treat me well. So yesterday I slept a lot. My body was exhausted and my stomach was too sick to eat so I was quite depleted. Hubby woke me up around 3pm to ask if we were going to church which I told him I was not up for it and I fell back asleep. Half an hour later he wakes me up to watch Marigrace while he goes to church. He woke me from a deep sleep and my body shook while I tried to make sense out of what he was asking me. I didn’t feel up to watching her and I asked why he couldn’t go to church tomorrow instead. I got an indignant “Because I want to go today.” I asked him why he had to be such a jerk and that sometimes I don’t like him. He replied that sometimes he feels the same about me. I cried me a river on my pity pot. He was gone two days while I was mostly on my own and sick to boot and he can’t let me have the weekend to rest? Later when we tried to talk about what happened and I told him that I feel like he doesn’t care about me unless I’m cleaning his house, taking care of his kids, and spreading my legs. It’s obvious he just doesn’t get it. He feels I should be more appreciative of him helping with the kids. Ummm, excuse me but he is their father. Where’s my pat on the back for taking care of them? Men! Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now.

Update:
Things are better between hubby and I. He’s making more of an effort to ask me how I’m doing and promises to never wake me up from a nap again unless the house is on fire or some other dire emergency.

My Other Blog
I also blog at

www.flickr.com

This is a Flickr badge showing items in a set called blogher08. Make your own badge here.
Don't mess with me
Shop
Subscribe to Slacker-Moms-R-Us