Do you have something in your life that you feel powerless to change? I do. I haven’t written about my parents whom I’m estranged from in a long time. You can catch up on the story by reading this and this. The situation has a lot of feelings attached that I’ve pushed back in my subconscious. I do my best to ignore them but occasionally they manifest in my dreams. Lately I’ve been dreaming a lot about my mom and last night I had a nightmare about both my parents. They were so mean, hateful, and uncaring just as they were while I was growing up. The dream left me feeling really icky. It’s good when I have dreams like that because it reminds me of why I cut ties with them. It’s very easy to get on the pity pot and miss the fleeting and rare happy times. My dad has a law enforcement job so occasionally I catch him on the news. I hate that. He looks so old and not at all like the mean person I used to know. I can’t help but to wonder if he misses me or what does he tell his friends is the reason he doesn’t see any of his six grandchildren? It’s amazing how in a single moment I can feel such intense hate and love for that man. I’ve always just wanted him to be proud of me and to like me. It feels like I’ve spent my entire life trying to prove myself worthy to him. Then there’s my mom who I really don’t miss. She’s so needy and annoying. She can suck the life out of you in a matter of minutes. My problem is that I feel so sorry for her. Her life has been so hard and her mental illness has been such a battle for her. My dad and brother have done a wonderful job of keeping her sick. I often wonder if she would have done better in a different situation. I know she misses me and the kids and I hate that. I hate that I’m denying my kids the only grandparents that they have. I wish it could be different but I had to do what is best for me and my kids. It’s still a shitty feeling.

My sister sent me one of those email questionnaires with the question What do you miss most? She answered my mother. I can’t say the same. I miss the idea of a mother because I never really had one. My sis and I mothered her. As an adult I was able to emotionally force her to be a mom but it never felt completely right. The angry child in me hates her while the human side of me pities her. I wish it were different. I wish we could get along. I wish I’d had “normal” parents. I wish a lot of things but all the wishing in the world isn’t going to change this situation. I hate that. I hate that my parents didn’t try harder to make it work. I hate that they choose to live in their little screwed-up La La Land.

So there you have it. That little nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I’ve been ignoring showed up in my dream last night. I’ve cried my eyes out and I feel a little better. Now I can shove those feelings back in my subconscious until they decide to pay me another visit. Damn it!

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