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There certainly is a lot of drama in my life right now. I’ve got my father trying to guilt his way back into my life and a troll who put me in a bad mood. Although my mood has greatly improved with the help of my sister and blogging friends.

My beloved dog, Sonny who is ten is not doing well. He has a cough and is bleeding from the nose. A constant trickle that won’t stop. I’m having all kinds of tests done and so far his doctors have found a mass in his nasal cavity. I’m taking him to a specialist who can determine if it’s a fungal infection or a tumor. I’m just sick about it. Sonny was my first baby. We got him a few months before we were married. During my first pregnancy Sonny would take naps with me on the couch with his head on my belly. He has been the best dog. I am not ready to let him go yet. My family will be crushed. Although Marigrace is only a toddler she will miss him too. She loves curling up next to him and sharing her snacks. If it is a tumor I’m being told that he would respond well to radiation and it would extend his life about another 13 months. So I’m hopeful, praying that it’s a fungal infection which would be easier to treat.

My other drama is with Madeline. We are taking the kids on a vacation and we leave tomorrow. My hubby got a two bedroom condo because he’s hoping for a sexcation. We are flying. Madeline is afraid of flying. We flew last summer and she got a little anxious. Her anxiety and tics have greatly reduced since then so we decided to fly again. She was okay with it until tonight. The excitement of our vacation is stressing her out. She currently has a coughing tic. My hubby didn’t realize it was a tic and made a comment to her about needing medicine. Drawing attention to her tics causes her to tic more. Especially under times of stress. It didn’t help that she saw the weather prediction of storms tomorrow. She flipped out, coughing uncontrollably until she threw up. She panicked, cried that she won’t get on the plane if it storms. It kills me to see her so fearful. I felt so helpless.

I gave her Benadryl and had her lie in my bed with a movie. I asked her questions about the movie to help take her mind off her fear that the plane is going to crash. She continued to cough and puke. Trying to reason with a child who is having a panic attack is not easy. She was a little comforted by squeezing my hand. I suggested that when she has these worries she can squeeze my hand and all her worries will travel to me so I can do the worrying for her. She seemed to like that idea. With the Benadryl kicking in and some deep breathing she coughed less. I acted silly and we laughed a little bit before she finally passed out. Then I went in the bathroom and cried.

It’s so sad to see her have these worries and difficulties at such a young age. Even though I have moments of not coping I firmly believe God only gives you what you can handle. I can handle this. I don’t want to have to handle it but it is what it is. All those years of providing therapy and support to my mother were preparation for this.

We are going to do our best to have a stress free morning since Madeline feeds off our stress. I’m going to give her Benadryl before the flight and pray she doesn’t have a coughing fit panic attack on the plane. I know she will feel so much better about it if the flight is smooth. I’ve noticed that her fear of things is the worst when she’s preparing to do something scary. Once she’s doing it she’s fine. It’s the damn worrying that’s getting to her. She’s done a great job of pushing through her fears. She’s afraid of elevators but will get on them. Last year she was terrified of amusement park rides and this year we can’t keep her off of them. I’m proud of her for trying the things she is afraid of. They are never as scary as she imagines them to be.

Wish us luck. Prayers are appreciated. I won’t be back blogging for a week so I hope you don’t forget me. I’m going to leave you with a funny story rather than all this drama.

This past Wednesday I went to a blogging seminar with Lisa and met all these cool people. We got a little lost on the way which made us a few minutes late. They had already started the seminar when we got there. I made Lisa walk in ahead of me because I’m a chicken. Karma bit me in the ass for it. I had one of those moments that seem to only happen to me. Like the time I wiped out in a quiet auditorium filled with a thousand people but I’ll save that story for another post.

We quietly found a seat next to Rebecca. I decided to turn off my phone because I could see my kids calling me to ask me a dumb question like what kind of chair I was sitting in. Some how I managed to put my phone on speaker as it called my voicemail. I have no idea how it happened. It’s never happened before. I was frantically trying to turn my phone off while my messages were being played for all to hear. I could feel everyone looking at me. I gave a meek “I’m sorry”. The mediator responded with a request for everyone to turn their phones off. Every one seemed to find it funny except for her. Smooth move, huh? It’s so typical of something I would do.

I’m off to bed now. It’s been an exhausting couple of days and I have a much needed vacation waiting for me.

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It’s midnight and I’m in need of some decent sleep but I need to get this posted ASAP. Janet from Dancing Through seems to think I rock which leaves me deeply honored because I think she’s a rockin’ rock star. She has bestowed upon me the this ultra glamorous super cool award:

I love this award because “Rock On” and “You Rock” are two of my favorite sayings. Having someone think I rock enough to pass on this award is quite a compliment. Now I must pass it on to five other bloggers that I think rock. I thought it would be hard to choose just five but this tag is flying through the blogosphere much quicker than I can keep up with. Many of the bloggers I wanted to tag have already been tagged.

Here are my chosen five that I believe have not been tagged yet so if someone beats me to them I just may have to kick their ass.

Lisa from Midwestern Mommy and I’m looking forward to totally rocks! She lives ten minutes away but it took our blogs for us to connect. Lisa is smart, beautiful, thoughtful and a lot of fun. She’s my Blogher roomierockin’ out with her.

Mert from Almost Somewhat Positive. We have a special connection in that we both have emotionally unstable egg donors. She has such a kind and compassionate heart and it radiates through her blog.

Jenn from Jennster’s Musings. Now this gal simply amazes me. She is a breast cancer survivor who has had several reconstructive surgeries and many bumps in the road along the way. Her positive outlook and her humorous way of handling her health problems is such an inspiration. I always leave her blog feeling uplifted.

Stefanie from Baby On Bored. I have recently started reading her blog and I felt an instant connection because she also has a difficult relationship with her egg donor. I’ve been checking out her archives and I’m digging her style of writing and sense of humor. Turns out she is also a published author. Her book “Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay: And other things I had to learn as a New Mom” looks like my kind of read.

Tabba from Mrs Incredible. I have a special place in my heart for her because she was my very first commenter. Her blog rocks because of her thoughtful introspective writing. She’s a young girl with an old soul.

Rock on sistahs! And now this rockin’ girl is going to bed.

Aren’t toddlers little sponges? If you want to see how you talk or behave then just watch your toddler. Some toddlers like to pretend that they are cooking, washing the car, or going to work. What does mine do?

She even has a box of Donettes near by. All that’s missing is a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper instead of a pacifier. What does this say about me?

Well it’s no secret that I’m a Slacker Mom. Jeez, I had to go and give myself a nickname and a blog title in it’s honor. Until recently I didn’t realize how much of a negative connotation the term has for some folks. It was meant to be tongue and cheek but all this talk about Alpha Moms and Slacker Moms has drawn quite a bit of attention to it. I took the quiz just to be sure that I’m living up to my title. Some of the questions were rather silly and don’t fit my definition of a Slacker Mom but according to the quiz I have earned my title.

The funny thing is that I started out as a type A or Alpha Mom. I had subscriptions to every parenting magazine and read parenting books rather than novels. My firstborn did not have sugar, juice or junk food for the first two years. I cooked from scratch and wouldn’t dream of making dinner from a box. I spent my days keeping my house spotless. I would not have friends over unless everything was in order. Spontaneous playdates would send me into a tizzy. I had elaborate birthday parties at home and strived to be as crafty as Martha Stewart. I didn’t take my kids in public unless they looked like this:

They were always in matching outfits and matching bows. I would hover over them not because I was afraid they may get hurt but because they may get dirty. I didn’t want to chance the need for a dressing change because then they would no longer match. Sure, they looked adorable but I was too much of a freak to realize that achieving this look just for a photograph would be good enough.

I was miserable. I was trying so hard to be the perfect mother that I lost myself. Plus keeping up the facade of perfection was exhausting. My hubby’s family made fun of me and my friends felt a need to compete with me in their attempts to keep up with my perfection. All my work to achieve perfection left me feeling like a failure. One day I realized that my oldest was becoming an anxious perfectionist like me. The biggest wake up call for me was when the child that we thought was gifted actually had a learning disability. She had learned the art of perfectionism and had done a great job of compensating for it. Then my beautiful daughter started having tics which were early signs of Tourette’s Syndrome. God had gone and given me another one of his tests. Thankfully he gave me a chill pill to help me with this one.

I had an awakening that my attempts to be a better parent than my parents were was backfiring on me. The battles I was fighting were ridiculous. What’s so wrong with letting my child wear her favorite nightgown with hot pink cowboy boots to a family party? Did it make me a bad mom? Not to my two year old who has no understanding about fashion but just wanted to be comfortable and express herself. In the big scheme of things does it really matter what a toddler wears out in public?

So I threw out the parenting magazines that left me feeling like a failure. Sure they can give good advice but there was never an exception to the rule. I needed discipline advice for spirited children and how to’s for a child with sensory issues.

I lowered my standards of cleanliness. I worked on not feeling guilty for leaving my family to do something for myself. I reclaimed myself and the things I enjoyed doing before I became a mom. The pressure was off and it felt good. I let myself be the mom I wanted to be and not the mom I thought I should be. Turns out I was a Slacker Mom at heart.

I now let my instincts guide my parenting and I’ve learned to trust my gut feelings. I work hard at accepting my kids for who they are and not what I think they should be. I believe in letting them learn from natural consequences. I’ve learned that my stringent control on what my kids eat didn’t set them up to be better eaters. My firstborn who ate a can of green beans for a snack at two now prefers junk food and turns her nose up to vegetables as much as her siblings. If I can get vegetables in my kids at least once a week I know that’s good enough.

I’m also not ashamed to admit that I use the t.v. as a babysitter so I can read People magazine or get online. I don’t expect straight A’s from my kids. I do expect that they study hard and try their best. I expect them to have good manners and be respectful of adults. I also let them be kids. The best is when I’m a kid with them like when we come across a candy store I get just as excited as they do.

Basically, I don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ve cut myself some slack and realized that good enough is good enough. I have a life outside of my kids and I’m a better mom because of it. I do my best to avoid the pressure of perfect parenting mantras and I’m supportive of other moms. I won’t judge your parenting skills but will tell you “I understand because I’ve been there” when you are reduced to tears after your toddler’s fifth tantrum of the day. I threw away my score card years ago.

I’m a Slacker Mom and I’m proud of it. I’m not alone either because I have actually sold a few of these:

The moral to this post? Forget all these silly labels and just do what’s best for you and your family.

I have a good friend who is going through a difficult time in her marriage. She has been turning to me for advice and comfort so I’ve unleashed my Celestine Prophecy beliefs on her. Do you remember that book? I read it in my early twenties when I was searching for clarity about my difficult relationship with my parents. I didn’t realize what a profound effect the insights chronicled in the Celestine Prophecy had on my life. I could relate to so much of it and had a lot of ah ha! moments while reading it but what I didn’t realize until now is what I learned from the book still plays out in my life.

The Celestine Prophecy is based on an ancient Peruvian manuscript containing 9 insights to help you achieve a fulfilling life. There are two elements of the book that have stuck with me. The first is about our personal energy and how we have all the energy we need but yet we continually try to steal the energy of others. This was an important concept for me to grasp so that I could work on not letting my mother who is an energy kleptomaniac steal my energy.

The second element of importance to me is that everything happens for a reason. These “coincidences” are tests. You can’t learn until you pass the test. If you don’t learn it the first time then you will be tested until you get it. We are where we are in life because of what we believe and what we’ve acted on. We can increase the incidences of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Can you imagine how peaceful our lives would be if we all practiced this?

I don’t want this to become a sermon because I know that not everyone agrees with this philosophy. For me it helped give me a better understanding of God and my relationship with Him which has been a struggle for me since I did not grow up with any solid spiritual beliefs.

I have many examples of how The Celestine Prophecy relates to my life but the one I’ve been thinking about over the last couple of days is the coincidences that led up to the birth of my fourth baby.

It was a difficult time in my marriage and by far my hardest “test”. I’m still learning lessons from it. My oldest daughter had something bad happen to her while in the care of my SIL. It was the first crisis in my marriage and we were failing. My husband and his family handle things differently than I do. They are classic for not picking the “shit off the carpet”. They walk around it, over it, and pretend to not smell it but no one ever stops to clean it up. Well I’m a pooper scooper so you can imagine how we clashed during this crisis.

I put our daughter in therapy which my hubby did not think was necessary. His thinking was that she didn’t need it since she was acting fine. Having her see a therapist resulted in the situation being hotlined which pissed the SIL off. She felt I was blowing things out of proportion rather than it being the best thing for the children involved. It quickly became apparent to me the great lengths my hubby’s family will go to in order to pretend a problem does not exist. It drove me crazy because I’m someone who firmly believes in standing up for what you believe in and dealing with a problem head on is the only way to resolve it. I grew up with parents who wanted me to pretend family problems didn’t exist and I didn’t put up with it from them so I was not about to put up with it from my in-laws.

My hubby was torn. He has a wife who wants answers and a family that wants a cover up. His family is very large and they have perfected the pretense of the perfect family. They all get together and act like they are this big loving family but compete, back stab, and gossip about one another with zealous. Family members were putting pressure on my hubby to sweep the whole incident under the carpet. My hubby was having a hard time dealing with this pressure. It came across to me like he was putting his brothers and sisters before me and our daughter. Their feelings were more important. This had been an ongoing problem in our marriage and was now coming to a head. Many times I felt like his family’s needs were more important than my own. It hurt me terribly. I had parents who treated me like a second class citizen. I wasn’t going to let my husband do it also.

My hubby had always been my rock. He is the most emotionally stable one out of the two of us. I often joke that he must have a magical suitcase where he puts all his feelings. Although his lack of emotional depth gets on my nerves I didn’t realize how much I counted on his emotional stability until I saw it falter. He became depressed and suddenly I was the one trying to hold us both up. I was so angry at him for pushing me and our daughter to “get over” our feelings about the situation that I didn’t have the strength to hold him up.

I lost a great deal of respect for him and felt myself falling out of love. I felt like I was my child’s only advocate and like a mama bear protecting her cub I wanted to run away to a safe place. For the first time I considered divorce. I was so deep in despair over the situation that I couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t know if we could recover. I was terrified that I would never feel passionate love for him again.

My hubby reached a low he probably hadn’t felt since his parents passed away. He was devastated at the thought of losing me. It was his despair over losing me that penetrated my angry heart. We began marriage counseling which helped our marriage in so many ways.

During this crisis my hubby celebrated his fortieth birthday. We hadn’t been intimate in quite a while so we celebrated his birthday with a kidless dinner and passionate make-up sex.

Three weeks later I realize that my period was late. I had been feeling very tired but I thought it was due to my depression with our situation. I didn’t think it could be possible that I was pregnant since the day we had sex did not coincide with when I would have ovulated. After a few more days of no period I picked up a pregnancy test from the grocery store. I peed on the stick and then left it on the bathroom counter while I put away the groceries. I really didn’t think I could possibly be pregnant. The dates just didn’t add up but I had been pregnant four times already so I know very well what pregnant feels like. I checked on the test and sure enough there was a faint pink line. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I held it in different lights and at different angles. It had to be wrong. Part of me was amazed that I had no clue this miracle had happened. With all my pregnancies except the first I practically knew the minute I became pregnant. I tracked my fertility signs, used ovulation predictors and took pregnancy tests every day until they turned positive. The other part of me was devastated. I did not want another baby. My pregnancies weren’t easy and I didn’t know if my at risk marriage could survive another pregnancy. I felt terribly guilty that I had friends and family who could not get pregnant and here I was growing a baby I did not want. I was also embarrassed to tell people who knew we were having marriage difficulties.

My hubby was thrilled. He could see this baby for the blessing it was. I eventually came to see what a blessing it was also but not without a few “coincidences”. Around 8 weeks I had period- like bleeding. I’ve had a miscarriage so I knew this kind of bleeding is usually an ominous sign. I had such conflicted emotions. I didn’t want to lose the baby that I thought I didn’t want.

I went to my OB’s office and my doctor did the ultrasound rather than the sonographer. Based on my previous miscarriage and my heavy bleeding they expected that I was miscarrying. Those few moments of my doctor searching for a heart beat seemed like hours. I was so relieved when he turned the screen towards me and showed me the heart beat. He reassured me that heavy bleeding can happen and not always mean an impending miscarriage. I was sent home to rest until the bleeding stopped which it did. Then two weeks later while at a school function and in a white skirt I bled again. This time it was bright red and very heavy.

I had a conversation with God on my way to the doctor’s office. I knew he was testing me. I told him that I get his message and thanked him for my blessing. SO PLEASE LET ME KEEP MY BABY!

I did.

I didn’t see one drop of blood for the rest of the pregnancy. I’ll never forget the nurse pointing to the screen and saying, “There’s your little puppet.” Tears of relief and joy rolled down my face as I watched my “little puppet” dance around. So why all the bleeding? Turns out a blood clot was renting space in my uterus.

My point to all of this is that I believe my fourth baby was meant to be. A divine intervention. She healed our marriage. She reminded us of how much we love each other and she was a product of that love. We named her Marigrace because she was the grace that followed a difficult time.

If you are still reading this long winded post, I thank you. I promise I’m almost finished.

Marigrace was not the only blessing that came during that bleak time. I also learned many lessons. I learned that I’m my children’s best advocate and to trust that funny gut feeling that something isn’t right. I learned to stop seeking approval from my hubby’s family because no matter how hard I try they will always find something to pick at. My hubby learned that pushing me to have a closer relationship with his family than I was comfortable with was detrimental to our marriage. Getting sucked into the big family thing was depleting my energy. Now my marriage is stronger than ever and I have this feisty red headed baby who has been such a blessing to my family. I think I passed this “test”.

So here’s the poop on the supercool, top secret party I had this past Thursday. But let’s first go back a couple months to what led up to my supercool party.

I received an email offering me a spot as a Nintendo Ambassador. Sounds important, doesn’t it? Basically it means that I would get to host a supercool party and be the envy of friends and family although my friends seem to prefer to call me “Lucky Dog” or “Bitch” rather than my self important title of Nintendo Ambassador.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting into but how could I resist a party that all I would have to do is show up with thirty friends? They had me take a personality questionnaire to make sure I wasn’t Looney Tunes which surprisingly I passed. My contact person, Megan flew in and took me to lunch. We hit it off immediately. I talked her head off which probably sealed the deal since the purpose of their marketing plan is to spread Nintendo’s greatness by word of mouth. We booked my party and I was given the task to come up with a guest list of 30 mothers and daughters. They would do the rest. And they did. They have been first class all the way and I’m not being paid to say that. From start to finish this has been an amazing experience and I’ve been treated like royalty, tiaras and all.

A couple weeks later my girls received Nintendo DS Lites and games. How cool is that? Funny how free stuff causes my hubby to think that blogging is soooo worth my time and my kids think I’m the coolest mom on earth.

I sent Megan my guest list and the invitations went out last week. They were beautiful. My party was a sorority theme so the invitations were shaped like a paddle with the Kappa Kappa Wii crest and some bling. The only disappointment was that their large size caused them to take nearly a week to arrive at their destination. Many of them didn’t make it to my guests until the day of the party. On Monday I was feeling panicky because I only had fifteen confirmed guests and I was asked to have around thirty. I was failing my job as a Nintendo Ambassador. It was time to enlist my good friend Vicki as Rush Chairman. By Wednesday night I had thirty-five confirmed guests!

Thursday: It’s party time. Here I am with my girls, anticipating our party. I’m hopeful that the party will be as fun as I’ve imagined it would be.

Nintendo did not miss a detail. We were provided with an air conditioned shuttle bus so the moms could drink and not drive. The bus was stocked with ice cold water and soda for the ride to the hotel. Where was the party? The Ritz Carlton of course. The perfect place for a sorority initiation.

When we arrived there was a photographer snapping photographs as we got off the bus and walked up the grand staircase of the Ritz. We felt like celebrities and did the looking-back-over-your-shoulder pose like the celebrities do on the red carpet. That pose ended up being called “The Lindsay Lohan” or “The Paris Hilton” and was a running theme in our photos for the rest of the evening.

The Lindsay Lohan Pose

We were greeted at our private room by our sorority sisters. There was a large rug with the Kappa Kappa Wii crest and we were given tiaras to wear. There was lots of ooohs and ahhhhs as the double doors were opened. The room was beautiful! It was decorated like a real sorority house with the crest on the walls and on pillows. Five flat screen t.v.’s were set up with Wii consoles. We had a bar with a bartender and the food was brought out butler style. The party was very kid friendly and the staff made us feel right at home. They served mini burgers, toasted ravioli, chicken skewers, and french fries in fancy holders with mini catsup bottles. One table was set up with fancy cheese, crackers, and fruit. Another table had coffee and tea. Desert was to-die-for chocolate brownies and cookies. All the tables had bowls of popcorn, Skittles, Starbursts, and M & M’s. Kiddie Heaven I tell ya!

The staff was super accommodating. Whenever something was spilled there was someone cleaning it up immediately. They would not allow us moms to clean up messes. Now I could get used to that!

We spent the next three hours socializing and playing the Wii. This was my first time and it was more fun than I expected it to be. We bowled, played tennis, baseball, and golf. My favorite was a dancing game that’s not even on the market yet. Most of the girls at the party are dancers so that one was a big hit. I didn’t try the boxing game but I’m thinking that would be a great one for married people. The next time I get mad at the hubs I’m going to tell him that we can settle it by boxing on the Wii.

Along with sorority initiation tradition we were all pinned with the Kappa Kappa Wii crest. I was like a giddy school girl. I went to nursing school at a community college so I never had the opportunity to belong to a sorority. I was really digging the whole sisterhood thing of our sorority theme. Yeah, I know, I’m thirty-six and still needing to belong. Don’t judge me.

Me and my sorority sisters

The party ended with all my guests receiving a box of cookies and a free Wii remote. I was presented with a Wii, extra remotes, three games, and cables. Yep, that’s right. FREE Wii and everything I need to play. The gift was totally unexpected. I had read about another mom who had a party and she did not receive a Wii. I’m assuming because the system was new and Nintendo was trying to catch up with the demand. I had prepared my kids that we would not be getting a free Wii. Madeline, my drama queen daughter fell to the floor in excitement that we would be taking a Wii home. I was beyond excited and the other moms were wanting to know how they could become a Nintendo Ambassador.

What a fabulous party! I’m still high from it all. The other moms are wild and crazy like me so the party had a lot of energy. The kids had a blast. Megan and the other two sorority sisters were fun and helpful. None of us wanted the night to end. Kudos to Nintendo for running such a great marketing plan. I understand why it’s paying off for them because I guarantee every mom at my party will end up buying a Wii.

Click here if you want to see a slideshow of party pics that I put together. You may be prompted to download the presenter plugin. No need to be afraid. It won’t harm your computer. I promise.

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I was tagged ages ago by Maggie and I’m finally getting around to doing this meme. I’m finding it hard to get the hours of computer time that I require now that the kids are done with school. If we weren’t having so much fun playing I would feel resentful but that doesn’t usually happen until August.

It’s a 5 link meme. Here’s how to play:

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

Next select 5 people to tag:

1. Burg
2. Big Dreams and Pixie Dust
3. Momish
4. Ramblings From The Reservation
5. Midwestern Mommy

What was I doing 10 years ago?

I worked as a nurse in a cardiothoracic ICU and was planning my wedding. It’s so hard to believe that was 10 years ago!

What was I doing 1 year ago?

I had no clue what blogging was or that it would take over my life. My baby was 6 months old and we were on a family vacation at Disney World.

5 snacks I enjoy

1. chocolate covered nuts
2. chocolate cake
3. anything covered in dark chocolate
4. french fries
5. Turtle sundae

5 songs that I know all the lyrics to

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and You Are My Sunshine. I can’t sing and cannot stand to hear myself sing so I don’t bother to learn song lyrics.

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire

1. Build a huge house with a guest house for my sister and her family to live in
2. travel
3. get monthly massages, facials, pedicures
4. buy my sister and my close friends their dream car
5. give 10% to charities

5 bad habits

1. I drink way too much Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
2. I cuss too much
3. unhealthy eating
4. bitchiness
5. gossiping

5 things I like to do

1. blog
2. eat
3. sleep
4. spend time with my kids, hubby, and friends
5. read People

5 things I will never wear again

1. legwarmers
2. parachute pants
3. nursing bra
4. maternity clothes
5. mom jeans

5 favorite toys

1. my computer
2. camera
3. videocam
4. ipod

I feel so compelled to thank all my blogging friends for their emails and comments of support in regards to my last post. You really know how to lift a girl when she’s feeling down. My friendship and sense of community that I have formed with you has been such an unexpected surprise from blogging. I have put myself out there; heart and soul and you have embraced me warmly. Thank you.

I’m also sending out a shout out to my good friend Vicki. We met several years ago when our daughters began dancing together but we didn’t get close until this past year. Now I’m having a girl crush on her because I love spending time with her and can’t wait to see her next. She has to be one of the funniest women I have ever met. She helps me embrace my inner child with her goofiness. We are so immature together that we embarrass our girls. What’s more fun than embarrassing your children? I laugh so much with her that my face and stomach muscles ache. Do you have a friend like that? You should. It’ll keep you young.

I wrote out two examples of our immaturity and goofiness but it didn’t read as funny as it was. They were those had-to-be-there kind of moments. Basically they had to do with me holding up a bottle of massage lotion that relieves PMS while shopping at a bath and body store. I called out to Vicki across the store that I found a massage lotion to help her PMS. The look on a girl standing in the checkout line was priceless! Later while sitting in my car Vicki caught me telling and itsy bitsy teeny weeny lie to a friend’s answering service. Her laughing caused me to start laughing so I pretended to cough and hung up the phone. I laughed so hard that I farted which sent us into the kind of laughing where you feel you can’t breathe. Then we nearly peed our pants from laughing so hard. See? You had to be there.

Vicki is an up and coming YouTube celebrity. Here is a video of her that cracks me up. I love her facial expressions. Thank you Vicki for being such a great friend.

What is it with me and drama? I must have a neon light flashing I’M A PUSHOVER on my back. I had the purse drama last weekend and this weekend it was clueless workers destroying my house drama.

I’m having my shower replaced in the master bath plus some exterior work on the house. The shower is coming along with few glitches but what is being done on the outside has turned into a nightmare. There is a gal who does a lot of work in our subdivision. She cleans, paints, and does yard work. She has always done a nice job so when she came to me and asked me to do her a favor and hire her son because he needed money to keep from being evicted I said yes without hesitation. That was mistake number one. He did a terrible job painting our front door and had to redo it twice before his mom came to his rescue and repainted it. It looks like shit from being scraped twice and there’s paint on the porch and brick. By this time we had paid the guy for 90% of the job and he only did 25% because he played on our heart strings about how down and out he is. Turns out he didn’t use some of what we paid him to buy the mulch we needed. He spent it and then didn’t have money to buy mulch and we weren’t about to give him anymore money. His mom took him off the job and bought the mulch that we paid her son to buy. She promised to make all his mistakes right. Mistake number two. We should have cut our losses then and let her go. Instead all her trying to make things “right” has snowballed into everything being wrong. We are left with a ruined front porch because they used muriatic acid to get the paint off the concrete floor of the porch. Now it is stained and we will need to have it painted or refinished to cover the staining. The boards around our garage still need to be replaced and we are not sure about how we are going to fix the siding that came off in jagged hunks when they removed the old boards. They also busted a sprinkler head and burned a hole in a chair cushion. There is so much more but I don’t have the energy to write it all.

My husband decided it was time to cut our losses and fire them and now we have to find someone to come fix this mess. This woman was terribly upset and cried because she’s never been fired from a job before. It really sucked because I really like her and hate to see her hurt. The lesson I’ve learned? To only hire professionals to paint or do carpentry.

Other drama I had was dealing with Madeline at her dance recital this weekend. She’s been off her ADHD medication for about two weeks and this weekend was proof more than ever that this child needs this medication. I got a taste of the Madeline that we were dealing with prior to starting the meds and quite honestly I can’t deal. She was hyper, impulsive, would not listen to me, and was argumentative. She would talk loud and was attention seeking. Also her tics had come back that day with a vengeance. It felt like all I was doing was telling her to not do this and not do that because so much of her behavior is socially unacceptable. I got so frustrated with her that I was mean. I told her that I can’t stand when she acts this way and that she is taking her pills whether she likes it or not. I feel bad. I hate when I lose my cool like that.

It was a long day. We were there from 9:30am until 10pm on Saturday and noon until ten on Sunday. She performed eleven times on Saturday. It was a lot and we were both crabby. Her MoJo was off and during her favorite dance number she fell during a flipover with her partner. They had nailed this move every time before now. I stopped feeling nervous about it because they seem to have it down. It was the last straw for Madeline. She’s a perfectionist like her mother and I knew it would rock her world. She came off the stage and tried to hide her embarrassment by being flippant and stating she meant to mess up. I guess in a nine year old’s mind that makes sense. As soon as she saw me she cried and I wanted to cry too. It took everything I had to not fall apart with her. She claimed to not feel well. She often claims to have a sore throat and a stomach ache whenever she’s not feeling “right”. It took me awhile to figure out that her inability to cope manifests in physical symptoms.

I apologized for being short with her earlier and told her that I understand why she’s not feeling good on the inside. When she has days like this it seems to me that she has an “itch” or icky feeling inside and moving a lot, talking loud, and her tics are a way for her to cope or hide what she’s feeling inside. It reminds me of my nephew who refused to poop on the toilet for awhile. He would hold his bowels and to deal with the uncomfortable feeling he would move around a lot and appear hyper. Unfortunately for Madeline this behavior can be annoying to adults and to me in particular.

We left the theater for an hour to get some fresh air and a change of scenery. I filled her up with water and food. We drove around and danced in the car to her favorite music. By the time we got back she felt better and mentally was ready to perform again. She did great until it was time for the dance number that she previously fell during. I knew she had psyched herself out when she told me that she hated this dance. I sent her on stage knowing she had already convinced herself she would fall again and sure enough she did. As she tumbled to the floor my heart broke in a million pieces. I knew she would have a hard time shaking it. She came off stage announcing that she laughed when she fell in an attempt to cover up her embarrassment. I reassured her that no one was laughing at her and that we were all relieved that she didn’t hurt herself. I reminded her that these things happen and ran down the list of things that went wrong in other numbers. There were other girls who fell or lost a shoe. One poor girl’s strap broke on her top while on stage. It happens. I told her I was proud of how she got up and continued dancing without missing a beat. She’s been dancing for 7 years and this was the first time she ever fell on stage. I told her that all dancers have a fall or embarrassing stage moment to tell. This seemed to make her feel better.

We had a good talk on the ride home about resuming her medication. She agreed to take it at night with food in hopes that she would sleep through any tummy discomfort. She has slept like a rock on the floor next to my bed for two nights so I’m hopeful that I can keep her on the medication. I have to admit that I like the medicated Madeline so much better than the non-medicated one. We get along better, less arguments, and I truly enjoy hanging out with her. What makes me the saddest about Madeline’s issues is that if I have moments that I don’t like her then there must be other adults that don’t like her either. In fact there is one mom that both Madeline and I can feel she does not like her. Her daughter is the exact opposite of Madeline and I don’t think she understands Madeline because her daughter’s issues are so different from Madeline’s. I’m realizing that I need to stay away from moms that can’t deal or understand what’s going on with Madeline. I hate feeling that she thinks Madeline behaves the way she does because I’m a bad mom. Madeline also picks up on it and her behavior worsens when she’s around people that make her feel unaccepted. I have enough doubts and uncertainties with raising a child with neurobehavioral issues that I don’t need another mom adding to it. It really sucks for me to feel embarrassed of Madeline’s behavior or to always be second guessing my parenting skills. I never thought I would feel this way. I try really hard to accept my kids for who they are and to nurture what they want to be. It’s all those damn other moms who are so quick to judge my situation when all isn’t perfect in their backyard either. I’m lucky to have several friends who look for the wonderful qualities of Madeline rather than the annoying ones. And I’m lucky to have her, Tourette’s, OCD, ADHD and all. She is full of so much love and has a heart of gold. She is very compassionate and caring. These are traits that only those that she feels accepted by get to see. She also heals me. I grew up in a family that did not hug or kiss. I don’t even remember ever hearing “I love you” from my parents. I do my best to shower my kids with hugs, kisses and I love you’s but I’m sure I could do it more often. Madeline helps remind me to show my love for them because she’s always hugging and kissing me. She’s also super generous with I love you’s. She does my heart good and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world. I just hope I don’t mess her up too bad. She’s my firstborn and I’m still trying to figure out this parenting gig.

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