The birds and the bees talk is lurking right around the corner at the slacker household. My two oldest daughters Madeline and Isabelle are nine and seven. I’m not at all ready to have “the talk” with my seven year old but I have a feeling that once Madeline knows the secret of sex she’s going to tell Isabelle. I was six when my cousin told me what sex was all about and I immediately sought out my sis whose 13 months younger to give her the shocking info.

I’ve been doing a pretty good job of dodging their questions. I know, I’m a chicken. About six months ago Madeline asked me what sex was.

Me: Well, your sex means you are either a girl or a boy.

She did not look satisfied with that answer so I asked her what she thought it meant.

Madeline: It’s when a mommy and daddy kiss naked.

Me: Exactly! See, you already know.

Thankfully she was satisfied with that and we moved on to another topic that didn’t make me sweat buckets.

Whew!

Then a couple weeks ago hubby had bath duty so he was in our master bath with all four of our kids. Just as I was walking through our bedroom on my way into the master bath I hear Isabelle tell her daddy that the neighbor girl told her that you have to have sex to make a baby.

Isabelle: Is that true?

Daddy: I don’t know. Ask mommy.

Oh no he di’int! I turned myself right around and was nearly outside to hide when Madeline caught up with me.

Madeline: Do you have to have sex to make a baby?

Me (as nonchalantly I could muster): Of course! You have to love your husband to make a baby.

Madeline: So you and daddy did that?

Me: Yes. That’s how we made you.

Madeline: Gross!

And off she went in complete disgust.

Yes, another golden opportunity to have “the talk” that I wiggled out of.

Madeline is getting the gist of what sex is except for the actual technical details of the whole penis in the vagina thing. She’s also starting to pick up on flirtatious talk between hubby and me.

We do this sexual banter and up until now we could do it and the kids were clueless. For example, we would call each others cell phones even though we were in the same car together. The kids would be in back watching a movie and we would have a sexy phone conversation. At the time we had three kids under three and a half so we weren’t having a whole lot of sex so these playful conversations were the next best thing.

This past Sunday we engaged in playful sexual banter while fixing dinner. I had marinated a flank steak for him to grill but it needed the rub put on before he could put it on the grill. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: You need to rub your meat first.

Hubby: I need to rub my meat?

Me: Yes, you need to rub both sides.

Hubby: I like it better when you rub my meat.

Me: I know, honey but sometimes you have to rub your own meat.

Hubby: We could rub my meat together.

Me: I’m really not in the mood to rub your meat.

Hubby: Can you show me how to rub it?

Me: All you have to do is rub both sides. Make sure you rub it real good because I only eat meat that tastes good.

Hubby: Oh, so you are going to make it hard for me.

Me: Yes, I prefer it that way.

We are now starting to giggle and Madeline who seemed to be lost into the computer pipes up and says, “Okay, that just sounds gross!”

Oops.

Can any of you recommend a book about the birds and bees? I need all the help I can get.

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