We are back from our trip to Branson and it was nice to come back to so many supportive comments on my last post. I’ve given it a lot of thought and agree that Isabelle’s teacher is a bit too conservative and overeacted. I should have remembered this about her from when Madeline was in her class. She would tell me that Madeline was hyper as if she had committed a crime.

In Isabelle’s defense I can’t blame her for thinking so much about having a boyfriend and a first kiss. I’ve been paying attention to the shows they watch such as Hannah Montana and the Olsen twins movies and they often involve a love interest and sometimes a kiss. When I was Isabelle’s age I watched The Brady Bunch and Little House On The Prairie which were much more wholesome. So for now I’m going to stop worrying that I’m messing up my kids. I’ve got something much heavier weighing on my mind.

Just before we left on our trip I received an email from my mom asking for permission to come over and talk with me. I haven’t written about my parental saga in awhile so I’ll refresh your memory. My parents have been emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember and my mom is mentally ill and difficult to deal with most days. After many years of riding their emotional roller coaster and not seeing much improvement for a loving and authentic relationship with them I cut ties. For good. Or so I hoped.

Of course I have terrible guilt. My relationship or lack of relationship with my parents is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I want a relationship with them more than anything but we just can’t give each other what we need without someone feeling emotionally depleted. Logically I know that I’ve made the right decision but the compassionate side of me feels horrible and bad. These bad feelings are holding me hostage. I’ve often described these feelings as being similar to Stockholm Syndrome where a victim sympathizes with their abuser. I recently found an article that explains this phenomena in personal relationships.

I’ve given my parents request great thought over the weekend and quite honestly I have no desire to resume a relationship with them. I’m so much happier and not so anxiety ridden with them out of the picture. The thought of returning to my role as my mom’s personal therapist and walking on eggshells to insure she’s kept emotionally balanced makes me sick to my stomach. I just don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship that is doomed to fail. Again and again. I’m a better mom and wife with their absence. My relationship with my sister is left untouched by our mom’s manipulations. I am done with seeking their approval and no longer care what they think of me. That in it’s self has been so liberating.

What I struggle with is their feelings. I want to not care about how difficult it must be for them to no longer have contact with their daughters and their children. I would imagine that they are consumed with sadness and grief as if we had died. That is how I would feel in their situation but I often wonder if they are capable of the same kind of compassion. They certainly didn’t have compassion for their children all those years that they treated us like slaves, starved us, called us names, and put us in harms way on many occasions. Their ability to justify any wrong-doing towards their children often left us to blame. Despite all the anguish they have put me through I still have a strong need to take care of their feelings and hold myself responsible for their happiness. This is why I feel such an emotional pull when they try to win me back.

But I’m fighting this emotional pull with all my might. It’s easy when they are out of sight and mind to not give them much thought and stay strong to my convictions so I think it may be time to let them know that I want absolutely no contact with them. They may still send my kids cards and gifts if they like although I wish they would stop but I fear that my kids would be angry if they later found out that I had forbid it. I’m still on the fence with this one. It’s such a complicated situation with my kids because I also need to protect them from their abuse. This is something they will not understand until they are older and at that time they can make the decision for themselves if they want to seek out their grandparents.

The emails and attempts to reconcile do need to stop. This will be a hard one for my mom because she tends to stalk me when we are estranged although much less with the current estrangement. It’s our typical dysfunctional cycle where they get mad or I’ve had enough then we don’t talk for a few years. My mom stalks me once she’s “over” being mad and it’s usually a manipulative letter from my dad that lures me back in. We start off great and everyone is on their best behavior but eventually we all fall back into old patterns and spiral to our demise. I think my mom enjoys her “mental holidays” from me and the honeymoon phase of when we first reunite. Once euphoria of the honeymoon phase dies down I think she realizes that our relationship with me and my kids isn’t as great as she imagined. And our woes begin again.

I haven’t responded yet to their reconciliation email but I need to do so soon because I fear that they will show up at my door. I’m obsessed with keeping the garage door down and sneak to a window for a peek when the doorbell rings. I don’t want to live like this. I want it to be over. I need to be free of their emotional bondage. I need to figure out if I want to respond with a simple “Please don’t contact me” or if I should write them a letter of how I need to go on with my life without them and without anymore attempts for a reconciliation.

I found Lynette’s storyline last night on Desperate Housewives similar to my situation. Lynette’s mom was a drunk while she was growing up and is still a bit emotionally abusive. Her mom lived with her during her cancer treatment but now that Lynette is cancer free she no longer needs her mom. She wants her to go back to living with her sister but her attempt to send her mom back to live with either of her sisters fails. Lynette becomes very indignant when she realizes that neither of her sisters care about their mom. These are the two sisters who have been putting up with their mom for the last several years but Lynette who only housed her mom for a few months and now no longer has a need for her mom’s help does not understand how they can give up on their mom.

I understand how the sisters feel and have often been the subject of someone trying to make me feel guilty for not caring about my mom as I “should”. The thing is that a good relationship was never cultivated between me and my mom. I never learned to love my mom like most children do. I love my mom out of guilt and because she gave me life. I love her because I feel sorry for her and because I’m supposed to love her. In reality I don’t like her at all and being around her irritates the hell out of me. I’m thankful that she gave me life and I know that I did my best to try and create a loving relationship with her but there’s too much water under the bridge. I think some relationships can’t be fixed and this is one of them.

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  5. I’ve turned into my mother!