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Apr
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This is a question I have pondered for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my own mother was not a very good role model because mental illness, immaturity, and narcissism consumed her. My friend’s mothers weren’t much better either or at least in my young eyes they were not June Cleaver or Carol Brady. None of them stayed at home, some were part time moms due to divorce, and most were not very involved in their kid’s lives. I wasn’t so sure that mothers like those depicted on t.v. even existed but I did know that I wanted to be like them.
Fantasizing about what a great mom I would be is what got me through my dreary childhood. After my mother’s narcissistic rages I would retreat to La La Land and envision myself lavishing my own children with love and praise. I promised my imaginary children that I would never forget how valuable they are and never blame them for my wrongdoings. I was raised to feel like I was a burden, the cause of my mother’s miserable existence, and that my sole purpose was to serve her. I believed that mothering my children well would right all my mother’s wrongs.
Now I’m a mother and I have stuck to my promises to the best of my ability only I didn’t realize how hard it would be. With my own mother being such a poor role model I had to model t.v. moms and a few mommy friends who I decided rocked the mom gig. Maintaining my idea of the perfect mom did not make me feel like frolicking in a meadow with my children while riding unicorns like I had imagined. Instead I felt depleted and frustrated most of the time. That damn Carol Brady made it look so easy with every episode ending all wrapped up nicely and tied with a bow.
In my quest to be the opposite of my own mother I ended up taking motherhood to the extreme and lost myself in the process. I succeeded at putting my children on a pedestal, giving them many of the things I never had, and being a stay at home mom who bakes cookies and volunteers at school. What I failed at was giving up so much of myself that there wasn’t anything left for me. It is very hard to effectively parent when your own needs aren’t being met.
So my idea of what it takes to be a good mom has changed over the years. I have learned that in order for me to effectively mother my children I need to achieve balance in my life. Keeping balance is a struggle for me because of my fear that any time I put myself before my children it will be perceived as self centeredness. I have never completely shaken my childhood feelings of worthlessness but day by day I chip away at that negative feeling by doing little things for myself. Not only is it good for me but also good for my children. I am their role model for the portrait of a mother they will paint and I want them to know that they don’t have to give up their life to be a good mother.
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Oh how your blog resonates with me today. I’ve typed a half dozen responses, but there’s just no concise way to say closely you’ve stated what I went through! How can I say I’m sorry you went through that, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one-when that sounds so ‘rude’. Thank you for sharing. I to evaluate every day and try to maintain a balance between being that great mom to my kids and being ‘me’-without a role model, it’s a challenge.
I believed that mothering my children well would right all my mother’s wrongs.
Me too.
mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..Meeting my mother in the middle
[…] What Is a Mother? […]
Ah~men sister.
~JJ!’s last blog post..‘Ku ‘Ku Hatchoo!
I know it’s hard not get stressed out about being the “perfect mom”. But we are all doing the best that we can when it comes to our kids. You are right that we are better moms when our needs are addressed as well. Take care of yourself, mama! And don’t forget that Carol Brady had a housekeeper!!
Zookeeper’s last blog post..A Few More Pix
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a live-in housekeeper and not have a job??
You said a mouthful.
It’s a delicate balance. AND a daily challenge.
Jenny’s last blog post..Whatnot 1.0
I’m of the opinion that lessons learned that way ~ the ones done with trial and error and working out the best for our individual situations ~ are the ones best retained that stick longest.
This is an insightful post, and I bet your children will benefit from your careful attention to detail.
Andrea’s last blog post..The Five Stages of Emotion: Grandparent’s Visit Edition
I love this blog. What it means to be a mother is so hard to define, and describe. I will be taking a look at this subject on my own blog within the coming weeks, and may reference your post then. I will be coming by more often, for sure!
Cindy Watrous’s last blog post..Teaching Responsibility with Pets
I really enjoyed reading this. I’m really glad I found the road.
Sara’s last blog post..Writing While I work
I really enjoyed reading this. I’m really glad I found this blog!
Sara’s last blog post..Writing While I work
Very true.
And equally true when you are a stepmother and a mother.
I spent a lot of years losing myself in trying to be the mother my stepsons biological mother couldn’t be because of her mental illness. When I had two of my own, I found myself spread so thin that I was nothing but a ghost of a person. That ghost was not a good wife, mother or stepmother.
Not only do we need to do things for ourselves, we need to let ourselves off the hook. TV characters are ideals. People are human—and have flaws. The best we can strive for is to do the right thing with what we know at the time, and pray that God gives us the insight to grow so that our understanding of things increases and makes us better people.
By focusing on yourself every once and awhile, you’re letting your children know that you have value as a person too. They will always love you, but if you allow them to treat you as a servant for their needs, they won’t respect you.
As a teacher, I have seen so many pampered kids whose greatest flaw is that the world revolves around them at home. My students who have tough family situations often end up coming out ahead because they have had to truly navigate their little worlds without much assistance. I do believe there is a happy medium for all involved and that is what we should strive for.
Great post!
Mrs. H’s last blog post..Her Compartment
Wow. I have never read anything on a blog that struck me to the core as much as your second paragraph. That’s me. That’s the family I had, and still have. It’s what haunts me, and yes escaping into my fantasies are what saved me.
I’m not a parent yet, but this post gave me so much hope. If you were there, and now you are you, it’s totally possible to overcome a narcissitic mother and be a great parent.
Thank you.
It is so hard to be conscious of the past without getting stuck in it NOW. My mother was the Carol Brady kind of mom, but I don’t want to do things the same way… she sacrificed all… ALL the time and now is paying a depressing price for it. It’s so dang hard not to feel guilty about taking time to balance, but it is SO important. I have to keep reminding myself that I am my daughter’s role model. As such, I want her to learn how to take care of herself and find peace and balance in her own life… she will never do that if I don’t show her how.
Sierra’s last blog post..The Princess and the Frog!
You are an awesome mom and an awesome woman. My mother was a seriously great mom. Her mother, however, was much like yours. Now that I’ve been a mom for 16 years I can see what an incredible woman my mother is. To be raised the way she was and yet to be such a loving, giving, and fun mom. I see that same strength in you when I read about your kids.
You are exactly right about needing time for yourself, too. I never for a moment doubted either of my parents’ love for me and that security made it fine when my mom needed time alone or when she and my dad needed to reconnect. I know you already know it, but I’m going to tell you again anyway. You are NOT self-centered and your kids know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are loved completely.
Jenster’s last blog post..My Week In Arkansas, Part One
I have had the same issues with my mother. I have such a hard time buying Mother’s Days cards because they are all for the perfect mother. My mom struggled so much with her life that there was nothing for us. Just as you, I am trying so hard to provide the exact opposite experience for my boys. I love your blog and I will be back. Thank you for sharing.
gina sprenger’s last blog post..The Dreaded Drop In
“I was raised to feel like I was a burden, the cause of my mother’s miserable existence, and that my sole purpose was to serve her.”
I got stuck at this sentence. I kept reading it over and over again. I could have written it 50 different times, 50 different ways. It’s a truth about myself I never fully realized until I read how you wrote it.