Apr

21

Where have I been?

Boy, have I missed my blog and all my blogging friends. I didn’t mean to stay away for so long. Life just became overwhelming. I had moments where I felt like I should just hit the delete key so my neglected blog wouldn’t feel like such a monkey on my back. I’m still having moments where I’m not so sure how I will ever fit blogging back in my life. I don’t know how other moms of 4+ kids (or really any mom) are finding the time but I would love to know because I just can’t find a balance so something in my life doesn’t have to suffer in order to find time to blog. My biggest issue is feeling so trapped in my life which I feel guilty about. My life is good. I have a sweet, hard working husband who has provided me with a very comfortable lifestyle. I have four great kids, several girlfriends I can really count on, and a sister who is the bestest friend I could ask for. I should feel happier but most of the time I feel overworked, unappreciated, and wishing for more hours in a day.

My little funk began when I received an invite for the infamous J&J Camp Baby. An all expense paid trip with some of my favorite blogging friends? Three days away from the demands of my hubby and kids? I was so in. Except by the time I was able to secure childcare the camp had met its guest quota. Too bad, too sad.

This is when I had my first moment of feeling trapped within the confines of family life. You know you need a mommy break when you can relate with Chelsea Handler’s character on one of the In The Motherhood webisodes where she tells a policeman that maybe she does want to go to jail just so she can be alone.

I was angry with my husband because I felt that he should have offered to stay home with our kids if I couldn’t find childcare. I so rarely ask him to take time off from work to help with the kids and I’m quickly growing resentful of the fact that in order for me to do anything I have to find childcare when he is free to make his plans knowing that I’m always here to be with the kids. It feels terribly unfair. My hubby realized how unfair this is when I made a tearful comment that I did not know I would have to give up my life in order to be a mom. He tried making it up to me by offering to fly me out to see my sister but he was missing the point. These free trips don’t come around often and I wanted to feel like he valued me and my job being a mom enough to tell me he would make sure the childcare was covered so I could get away.

So I didn’t go and my life got increasingly busier over the next few weeks and won’t slow down again until the end of school. Just keeping up with the house, laundry, homework, running errands, cooking meals, carpool, and servicing the hubby take up a full day. I sacrifice sleep to fit in the things I like to do such as reading, blogging, and playing on the computer. My oldest is a competitive dancer and spring time is when I have to shift into stage mom mode. She has two competitions and a recital every spring. This year she is in eight numbers which means eight costumes and everyone of them needed some altering or embellishing. She had her first competition this past weekend and I am sharing videos of the dress rehearsals on YouTube.

I also have several blogging projects in the works if I can ever find enough time to commit to any of them fully. The latest endeavor is The St. Louis Bloggers Guild which I can’t honestly take any credit for but I plan to take a more active role in the very near future.

I have also put my mommy guilt aside and have found an in-home daycare for Marigrace twice a week so I can free up some time for much needed “me” time. I’m going to make an effort to pamper myself more. What I have realized over the last few weeks is if I don’t value myself then neither will anyone else.

Hopefully you will see me around more often. I really have missed you and this blogging gig. Thanks to all of you who checked in on me. It’s nice to feel missed.


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Comments

20 Responses to “Where have I been?”

  1. MammaLoves (10 comments.) on April 21st, 2008 4:23 pm

    And now I feel guilty for not having checked in with you. But I consider you like me, we blog when we can. And honestly, I have been thinking about you.

    I didn’t go to J&J either. If you had gone, I would have had to go. I just couldn’t make it work.

    And let me be the first to say that you’re not alone. I have a recurring fantasy of just getting in the car and driving across the country–alone. Can you just imagine??

    love you hon!!

    MammaLoves’s last blog post..I’d Blame it on the Illness or the Weather…

  2. motherofbun@yahoo.com (4 comments.) on April 21st, 2008 4:26 pm

    Have missed you lady.

    Have goodies from Camp Baby for you too. Just need to find some time to drop them off at your house…

  3. Jamie (4 comments.) on April 21st, 2008 4:41 pm

    I would have LOVED to have met you at Camp Baby. My oldest is in kindergarten and my youngest is in daycare so hubby just “had” to watch them two nights, although I got stuck in Jersey that last night unexpectedly due to flight cancellations. Maybe next time your husband will realize how rare it is for these all expense trips to come along!

    Hang in there. I “only” have two kids and I struggle with the balance, time thing!

    Welcome back!

  4. kristen (3 comments.) on April 21st, 2008 4:57 pm

    Yay, you’re back. I’ve missed you and have been wondering if you’ll be at BlogHer again this year…

    kristen’s last blog post..Sacred Life Sunday :: sister

  5. Jen on April 21st, 2008 6:13 pm

    I became a stay at home mom last year (I do substitute teach, when I have time) when hubby went to Iraq. I often wonder how in the hell I had time to do what I did then. I just don’t seem to have enough hours in the day and I only have two kids, ages 7 and 16. That must be the reason I was a big witch most of the time. I just don’t see how I did it before. I complain to hubby now and then when I do talk to him that I want some “Me” time every now and then and he just says to me “you stay at home, don’t you have me time when the kids are at school?” I just want to slap him when he says that.

    Any way, glad to see you are back, I checked your blog at least once a day to see if you left anything on there yet.

  6. Mrs. Schmitty (9 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 5:22 am

    It’s nice to see you back, I missed you. I can so relate to this post. It’s like you were picking my brain. It’s so hard for moms to get some me time. I haven’t had much lately either and I’m in dire need. Keep your chin up and I hope things get better!

    Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..Oh The Drama

  7. Farrell (11 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 6:06 am

    I missed you!! Email me! I too haven’t had time to catch up on blogs…I’ve blogged, but haven’t had time to read many. I don’t know how you do all that you do, but I do know you deserve a break once in a while!

    Farrell’s last blog post..Today Sucks

  8. Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas (4 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 9:12 am

    I feel the same way about my time alone vs. husband. He’s just free. The assumption is I’ll be with the kids and he can just go to the gym or run errands after work or whatever he wants. I have to ask. I have to ask if he will please watch them while I go do something. AHHHHH! Makes.Me.CRAZY.

    Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas’s last blog post..Remember These Ta Ta’s

  9. Susan (9 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 9:32 am

    I get that way too and I only have one kid so I can’t imagine what it’s like with 4. Anyway, I’m glad that you are back and I’ll be looking forward to reading more. When you have the time, of course.

  10. Christine (1 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 12:35 pm

    It’s nice to see you back…I know exactly how you feel. Right now I am ignoring my family and feel so guilty.

    Christine’s last blog post..Destroy Words

  11. ~JJ! (4 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 2:35 pm

    Miss you too woman.

    Glad to see you are still around.

    ~JJ!’s last blog post..Oh dog!

  12. Zookeeper (12 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 2:46 pm

    Glad you’re back! I can relate to trying to find the time (not to mention the energy) for everything that motherhood entails. It sounds like you are on the right track to finding a little balance in your life. Take care!

    Zookeeper’s last blog post..Isn’t it Romantic?

  13. Andrea (5 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 3:59 pm

    Oooh boy, can I relate to this. Especially the part about your hubby getting to plan whatever he feels he can becuase he knows you’re there with the kids. That’s so me!

    Andrea’s last blog post..Heart, Meet My Friend Throat, and My Other Friend Stop

  14. Carrie (4 comments.) on April 22nd, 2008 10:40 pm

    I’ve missed you too!

    And I belong to the camp of moms who wouldn’t mind going to jail just to get a little alone time also. I’d do anything . . .

    Carrie’s last blog post..That Age

  15. Candid (2 comments.) on April 23rd, 2008 5:54 pm

    I’m sorry that things are hard. I have been popping by…waiting for you to return. Oh, please don’t hit the delete button!
    I understand how you feel about being busy and needing a friggin’ break.

    Hugs…

    Candid’s last blog post..Flashback

  16. carosgram on April 24th, 2008 3:04 pm

    Love the videos on utube. Motherhood is an unending job which few understand. Thinking of you and wishing you the best

  17. Dana (4 comments.) on April 24th, 2008 4:21 pm

    I’ve missed you so. Welcome back, Kotter. Can’t wait to meet up with ya again.

    Dana’s last blog post..Setting it straight

  18. deb (1 comments.) on April 25th, 2008 9:21 am

    good. i’m selfish. i like my K available and — available. :)

    xoxoxo

  19. Jenny (3 comments.) on April 25th, 2008 2:26 pm

    Have missed you too!

    The secret to MY sanity lies in three simple words.

    MOTHER’S DAY OUT.

    Don’t forget to take care of you!

    Jenny’s last blog post..If I could save time in a bottle . . .

  20. Worker Mommy (13 comments.) on April 25th, 2008 5:17 pm

    I absolutely understand how overwhelming things can be. Glad you’re back !!!

    Worker Mommy’s last blog post..Did you know it was National TV Turnoff week ?… Yeah I don’t care either.

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