Hey y’all!  Queen ofthe Mayhem here.  Slackermommy is busy living the life of leisure (on vacation with her four kids…..yeah RIGHT!) and she foolishly left me the keys to her mansion……..I will do my level best not to bring down the good name of her site (well….at least not too much) while she is away.

Let me tell you a little about myself.  I am a high maintenance woman.  The depths of my neuroses know NO bounds…….throw in a little anal retentiveness, a pinch of controlling nature, a dash of attention deficit disorder ( I am just SO easily distracted), and a handful of OCD tendencies and you have a recipe for the perfect woman.  Just a little slice of Heaven…..that’s me!   My husband once told me he married me because he likes a challenge…………which got me thinking (it’s so VERY dangerous when I do this)………..what if there were a support group for husbands with wives like me……..you know, along the lines of AA…..except with only 5 steps.  I mean…..this is a program for men, and I just see them struggling to make it through 12.  They could call is the HMWA   (High Maintenance Wives Anonymous).

The meetings might go something like this:

Mr. Mayhem (MM):   Hi, my name is MM……..and my wife is high maintenance.

Group: Hi, MM!                                       (Okay, you get the idea)

The members of the group would have to follow a 5 step program to improve their lives with said HMW.  

STEP ONE:           ATTENTIVENESS

This step deals with making the effort (henceforth referred to as the Big E) to actually pay attention to your wife.  The Big E is the foundation of the program, and the most difficult step for the men to take.  This includes: actually looking up from the TV, computer, magazine, Wii game, etc. when you wife speaks to you.  It can also include having a conversation that does not center around the kids, work, the house, or money.  I have heard stories of such conversations…….but I am pretty sure they only exist in fairy tales!  The Big E step also forces its participants to actually look at their wives when asked, “Does this outfit make my ass look big!”   The speed at which an emphatic “NO!” is hurled towards the woman is also practiced using a stopwatch!  Before leaving this step, the men are required to tell their wives they love them and how beautiful they are on a DAILY basis.  Most men’s treatment stops here! 

STEP TWO:        CHILD CARE…….AKA…….How to Deal with the Fruits of My Loins

For the rare man who masters the use of the Big E, step two deals with the man’s role in child rearing.  In this step the men learn that their role as a father does not end after they “get it on”  (READ: make the baby).  Classes include:    -Diapers……..They Don’t Change Themselves     -Nightmare Inducing Shows/Movies        -Poptarts……..It’s NOT for Dinner       -Baths…….more than just a dunk in tub……..and many more!  In order to complete this step, men must take an oath never to utter the dreaded words, “Yeah…..I guess I’ll babysit for you.”  Because……we ALL know……you can’t BABYSIT YOUR OWN DAMN CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STEP THREE:                            CHIVALRY

Step three is a journey back in time for our beloved men.  The participants are transported back to a period when they first met their wives.  A time when they would do just about ANYTHING to impress them.  (READ-trying to get laid)  Men are taught the fine arts of door opening, chair pulling, and jacket offering .  Electro-shock therapy is available for those who are resistant to the lessons! 

STEP FOUR:                          GIFT-GIVING

This step deals with the seemingly impossible task of buying a gift for a woman.  Classes for this step include:  -”Christmas Shopping…….Believe It or Not….It can be Done BEFORE December 24th!”       -”Lingerie…….Who is that Gift For Anyway!” (variations of this class include electronics, tools, and fishing supplies)    -”Kitchen Appliances…….the Quickest Way to Divorce Court”    -”Flowers……..Not JUST for When You Act Like an Ass!”   and many more! 

And….for the rarest of men who make it through the first four steps…….I give you:

STEP FIVE:                         FOREPLAY

That’ right!   I said it………FOREPLAY!  It’s in this step that men learn that the “BIG O” is almost as important as the Big E.  (if not more)  Here the men will learn to expand their horizons of pleasure past the typical boob grab, the “Are we going to do this?”,and the infamous butt rub.  In order to graduate from the program, they must complete extensive field research (with their wives of course…..any funny business results in a quick and PAINFUL castration) and write a thesis on their new found knowledge of the female form.

All graduates will receive a medal and the infinite joys of keeping their HMW happy.  Because we all know……if Momma ain’t happy……ain’t NOBODY happy!     

Related posts:

1. Would you breastfeed your hubby if he wanted to?
2. We were victims of a random act of kindness
3. Don’t come here if you are pregnant
4. My favorite photo