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I’ve got a gig at the just launched 5 Minutes For Special Needs, a sister site of 5 Minutes For Mom. My first post goes live today so come over and show a girl some love!

If your impulsive child starts complaining that she has to go pee REAL BAD while in the car after something does not go her way and her siblings are taunting her with peeing sounds and talk of water please don’t make the mistake of threatening the teasing siblings that they had better stop or they will have to clean up her pee because your impulsive child may pee just to see if her siblings would really have to clean it up.

Just sayin’.

I’ve had a tough day.

It began with an email from Madeline’s teacher. I love this teacher. She has dealt with Madeline’s tics and ADHD with so much understanding and patience. She is big on behavior modification and Madeline has responded well. We email often to keep each other abreast of what is going on with Madeline. Her email today informed me that Madeline was having a rough day and complaining about her eyes bothering her. She had glasses prescribed a few months ago but they aggravated her tics, causing her to frequently move her ears and rub the glasses on her nose until the skin became red and sore. We traded her glasses in for contacts and she did well with them the first few weeks but now she’s complaining of her eyes hurting and I have noticed that her blinking tic has increased considerably over the last week. She is so hypersensitive.

I wasn’t surprised that she was having a bad day. I noticed a change in her behavior over the weekend. She was more impulsive than usual and her tics were greatly increased. I know that it’s time to consider medicating her. It’s been a year since we tried Strattera and that is the only drug we have tried. I have a friend whose son has similar issues as Madeline and is doing very well on Tenex and Focalin. She’s also is very happy with his neurologist so I have been mulling around the idea of taking Madeline to him. Her teacher’s email was confirmation that Madeline needs to be seen. Unfortunately the receptionist of the new doc was extremely rude and tells me that the next available appointment would be the end of October. This was after I was on hold for ten minutes.

“Are you kidding me?” was my response.

Then silence.

“Okay then. Thanks anyway” and I hung up.

I was shocked. My friend is shocked. Her son was seen within the week of her calling. Obviously I caught the receptionist from hell on the wrong day. Seriously, what pediatric neurologist can’t see a child for six months?

I called the neurologist that treats Madeline and they are getting her in tomorrow. Easy peezy, lemon squeezy and the receptionist was pleasant!

When I picked the kids up from school I could see that my usually happy child was not happy. She broke down as soon as we pulled away and my heart bled as I watched big, fat alligator tears roll down her beautiful face.

I hate that she is going through this.

I hate that I can’t “fix” it.

I hate that kids make fun of her.

All I could offer her was my shoulder to cry on and a doctor’s appointment. She is definitely her mother’s daughter. We are both very emotional and cry when under great stress but we are also strong and will seek answers and solutions. After our pity party Madeline asked if she could give her class a talk about her tics so they could understand her better.

That’s my girl.

She even started her research on her own tonight. I walked in on her watching this HBO piece on kids with Tourettes. We also have a neighbor kid that has Tourettes so I suggested she should talk to him.

We’ll get through this.

Now I must sleep.

I hope.

I’m an emotional mess. Today was not a good mommy day for me despite it starting out okay. Madeline had her Muny audition so we had to get up early to be there by 8:30 am. Madeline is not a breakfast kind of kid but I was able to get her to eat a piece of cheese. I figured a little protein is better than none. She was nervous and excited but the audition ended up going well for her and the most important thing is she feels like she did a great job.

This is where things went downhill.

We carpooled with my good friend Vickie and her daughter so we decided to grab lunch together after running a quick errand. The service was extremely slow and it ended up being two-ish before we got our food. That’s a long time to go on one piece of cheese and a handful of pretzels and Madeline began to crash.

For those who don’t already know, Madeline has Tourette’s Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Most of the time she does a great job of keeping her behavior in check. She is embarrassed of her tics so she often suppresses them in social situations or if she’s in the company of people she doesn’t feel would be accepting. This is not an easy thing to do and can be quite exhausting. Imagine suppressing a bout of sneezing 50 times an hour for several hours. That’s how people with Tourette’s describe their tics. It’s an urge that is not easily suppressed. Once she is in a safe place such as home she releases all those suppressed tics.

Madeline became quite fidgety while waiting for our food. I could tell she was trying to suppress her tics which worsen when she’s hungry, tired, or under stress. She was bouncing her legs under the table which her friend took as Madeline purposely kicking her so she yelled at Madeline to stop several times. This prompts me to reprimand Madeline so that it doesn’t appear that I don’t make her mind. At that point I should have sat between the girls but my attempt to appear “normal” clouded my judgement.

Madeline was also a bit impulsive and rather than wait for me to slide out of the booth so she could get in she walked over my back and onto the booth. Needless to say I was embarrassed. I can feel the stares and I know people are assuming she doesn’t have any manners and I’m a bad parent.

My scolding her only made things worse. When she crashes we have found that pointing out her behavior worsens it but I felt torn. If I didn’t scold her then I would appear to my friend like I let my kid do whatever she wants without consequence. It was such an uncomfortable situation and it took everything I had to not burst into tears. At one point Madeline hugged me and said she was sorry. She could feel my disappointment and stress with the situation which makes me feel terrible because it was my fault she couldn’t keep it together.

I failed her on so many levels. Normally I do a pretty good job of setting Madeline up to be successful. I do my best to make sure she gets enough sleep, I bring snacks, and I watch for triggers.

What was I thinking? I should have hit a drive-thru and fed her right away but sometimes it’s hard to tell the others in your group that your child needs to eat now without looking like your child is a princess. I know, I’m making excuses. I am my child’s best advocate and I totally failed her today. I need to be better about doing what is best for Madeline in these situations even if it risks being judged as a bad mother. Geez, us moms are so hard on each other and I wish I didn’t care what others thought. But I do and today I put the needs of others before my own child and we paid a heavy price.

Once fed Madeline was able to pull it together and took a nap during the drive home. We didn’t see any impulsive behavior or hyperactivity once home but the freakiest thing happened. I was helping her with her math homework when suddenly she froze in a trance like stare while moving her eyes repeatedly up, right, down, and left. It scared the shit out of me because my immediate thought was that she was seizing. It lasted less than ten seconds but she wouldn’t respond to her name in those ten seconds then suddenly she snapped out of it. She immediately told me her teacher says it’s no big deal, just eye movements, so she obviously must do it at school when she’s trying to concentrate or feeling mental fatigue.

I made her take a break before resuming her homework and then sent her to bed. She was asleep by 9 pm and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. We don’t have anything going on and that’s exactly what she needs.

So please don’t be so quick to judge the next time you see a child misbehaving. That child may very well have special needs and disapproving stares increase the stress of parent and child. Most parents of special needs children try to only put their children in situations where they can be successful but sometimes “episodes” can pop up despite our best intentions. Dealing with these kids can be challenging and exhausting so try to be a little understanding. That’s all I’m askin’.

I had some requests for an update on how the Smart Discipline charts are going. So far they are working great for two of my kids but my spirited and strong willed firstborn, Madeline is in need of the Smart Ass Discipline chart. She’s the child who will find her way around any discipline tactic and she usually wins because she can bring me to the point where I just want to throw up my hands and say, “Okay, you win!” Today she decided to pull out her drama queen get out of jail free card.

She had been holding it together quite well and didn’t get her first X on the chart until yesterday. She took it well. She could see on the chart that she could break six more rules before she would lose a privilege. But today when she received two X’s within five minutes I think she realized how quickly she could rack them up over a week.

It all started with her tripping over our puppy. There was a little blood where she skinned her foot which brought on the drama. She cried and carried on. Even after I cleaned up the scrape, applied a band-aid, and had her lie on the couch with her foot elevated since she was claiming to have sprained it. She did make a miraculous recovery when I mentioned that we could not go shopping if her foot was sprained although I think it left her feeling as though she didn’t get enough attention for her injury. So when her dad gave her an X for leaving her laptop on the couch and then another for yelling at him she felt a need to create some more drama. I guess she was still stewing over the fact that I would not let her eat tomato soup at 9:30 am. I told her that she would have to wait until 11 am since soup is for lunch and that she would have to choose another snack. Normally she would have fought me on the issue but refrained since there was an X at stake.

No soup, a fall with injury, and two X’s within five minutes must have sent her over the edge because the next thing I know she has locked herself in her room. My hubby informed me that she had taken it upon herself to put X’s in all the boxes on her chart. I guess that’s her way of saying, “Screw your stupid chart! What are you going to do now?” I took a deep breath and promised myself to not let her wear me down. So go grab some popcorn and get comfy because what unfolded was pretty dramatic.

Me: Madeline, you know the rule is that only mommy or daddy can manage the chart. You have lost all privileges for breaking that rule.

Madeline: I don’t care. I want to lose them.

Me: Good, because you just did.

The old me would have engaged in a conversation about why she did what she did and why she would want to lose all her privileges. I didn’t bite this time. Instead I walked out of the room. I could hear her flipping the door of the puppy’s crate up and down in hopes that I would come back in and yell at her. I refrained. She must have sat in there for a few minutes trying to think of how she could engage me in her battle of the wills because here she came asking if she could make tomato soup.

Me: No, it’s 10:30. I told you that you cannot have soup until 11:00.

Madeline: Connor can have popcorn. Why can’t I have soup?

Me: Because popcorn is a snack and soup is for lunch.

Madeline: It’s not fair!

Fortunately I was on the phone with my sis at the time. She has on many occasions witnessed how Madeline engages me in this song and dance and how easily I get sucked into the fight. She kept reminding me to just ignore Madeline as she whined. After several minutes of being ignored she announced that she was going to make her soup anyway. She heads off to the kitchen and tells her dad that I said she could have soup.

Me: I did not! She can’t have soup until 11:00.

He sends her to her room for a time out just as the book recommends once all privileges are lost. I was in her room at the time putting away laundry.

Madeline: I don’t want to go in there because mommy is in there.

Me: Too bad. I’m ignoring you anyway until you calm down and stop throwing tantrums.

She throws herself on her bed and has a temper tantrum, rolling around on the bed and screaming at me about how I’m ruining her life. Now all the sheets are off her bed so I tell her to remake her bed.

Madeline: I don’t know how!

Me: Yes you do. Remake it or I will take away the sheets and pillows and you will have to sleep without them. The choice is yours.

Now I’m thinking Oh shit! Only give a consequence that I’m willing to follow through on. Am I willing to follow through on this one?

Madeline: I’ll sleep without them. I don’t care!

I guess I better follow through if she’s going to take me seriously. God, this sucks!

She continues to thrash, scream, and plead. I go about my business and try to look as though I’m ignoring her.

Me: Why don’t you go take a bath to help you calm down.

She likes that idea and runs off to my bathroom. A minute later she returns.

Madeline: There is something gross in the tub! Clean it up!

Oh no she didn’t!

Me: You need to ask nicely. I won’t do anything for you if you talk to me like that.

Hubby: What’s in the tub?

Me: Marigrace took a crap during her bath. I forgot to clean it up.
(They don’t call me slackermommy for nothing!)

Madeline: Ewwww! I’m not cleaning it!

Me: I will clean it when you can talk nice to me.

Madeline (in a smart ass voice): Will you please clean it!

I ignore her. She continues to have a tantrum for several minutes before she finally asks nicely.

Me: Okay then. I’m going to finish putting these clothes away then I’ll get the tub ready.

I obviously didn’t move fast enough (which was only like 10 seconds) because she went back into tantrum mode, stomping her feet and throwing her body around.

Madeline: You’re not doing it!

Me: You have got to get control of yourself.

Madeline: Okay , mommy. (Calm voice) Clean the tub. (Whining, still throwing her body around) I want to take a bath now.

Me: You are not in control. We will discuss this when you are calm.

I leave the room. She continues to stomp her feet and yell that she’s calm. I continue to ignore her. I’m doing my best to not give her an audience. Out she comes with her stuffed dog and pajamas.

Madeline: I’m moving out!

She heads for the front door.

Me: No you aren’t. You are not to leave your room until you are calm.

Surprisingly she went back to her room but not without slamming the door. Ten minutes later she comes out and hugs me.

Madeline: I’m sorry mommy. I’m calm now. I made you something.

So typical of her. Now she’s remorseful and hopeful that apologizing will get her privileges back.

Me: I accept your apology but you still have lost all your privileges.

Madeline: I didn’t mean to put all those X’s. Can’t we start over?

Me: No, Madeline. It is not okay for you to disrupt the family in this way and then think you can have all your privileges back by saying you are sorry. I hope next time you will try harder to control your temper.

Madeline: I’ll try. I’m going to go take a shower now.

She emerged from the shower as sweet as can be and finally got her soup at 11:30. The next two hours she was a dream child. I made sure to point out her good behavior and give positive messages to her just as was suggested in the book. She played nice with Isabelle as they made a tent which gave me a chance to reflect on what had happened and what I should do differently. I was better about not giving her tantrum so much attention but I could have ignored her behavior more. I should have not stayed in the room during her timeout. The laundry could have waited. See what happens when I try to be organized? I should have just left the laundry on the couch where it usually is. Suggesting a bath to help her calm down was probably not a good idea either. Especially since I had left a couple turds in it.

Just as I’m enjoying some peace and quiet Madeline shows up to inform me that she accidentally watched a little bit of a movie. What the hell is wrong with this kid?

Me: How do you accidentally watch a movie?

Madeline: It was in my laptop. I was going to listen to music.

Me: Madeline, you know you aren’t to be on your computer. Bring it up to me, now!

Madeline: Can’t I just listen to music?

Me: No! Now you’ve lost that privilege.

She attempts to protest. I give her the hairy eyeball and yell, “Get it now!”

She scurries downstairs. A few minutes later Isabelle appears with the laptop.

Isabelle: Madeline sat on my head! I couldn’t breathe!

Me: She did what?! Madeline, why would you do that?

Madeline: She wouldn’t bring up the computer for me.

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

At this point I just want to throw a tantrum myself. Where did I go wrong with this child? I know this can’t be normal nine year old stuff. My other kids don’t take things as far as she does. Should I take her back to doctor? Or has she gotten so used to pushing my buttons until she gets her way that challenging her causes her to take things to another level in an attempt to get her way? Will holding our ground eventually cause her to behave better? I’m at such a loss and I feel so defeated.

Madeline manages to stay quietly in her room for about five minutes before she starts her crap.

Madeline: I’m hungry! Can’t I eat something?

Me: No. You are staying in there until we leave for church.

Madeline: How long is that?

Me: 45 minutes.

She begs and pleads. Screams and yells.

I ignore her.

Madeline: You are the worst mother! I hate you! You are stupid!

She slams the door. I found her asleep when I checked on her fifteen minutes later. I will have to wake her up for church. This is going to be interesting. I’ll keep you posted. Right now I have to go pluck all the gray hairs I grew today. And clean poop out of the tub.

What is it with me and drama? I must have a neon light flashing I’M A PUSHOVER on my back. I had the purse drama last weekend and this weekend it was clueless workers destroying my house drama.

I’m having my shower replaced in the master bath plus some exterior work on the house. The shower is coming along with few glitches but what is being done on the outside has turned into a nightmare. There is a gal who does a lot of work in our subdivision. She cleans, paints, and does yard work. She has always done a nice job so when she came to me and asked me to do her a favor and hire her son because he needed money to keep from being evicted I said yes without hesitation. That was mistake number one. He did a terrible job painting our front door and had to redo it twice before his mom came to his rescue and repainted it. It looks like shit from being scraped twice and there’s paint on the porch and brick. By this time we had paid the guy for 90% of the job and he only did 25% because he played on our heart strings about how down and out he is. Turns out he didn’t use some of what we paid him to buy the mulch we needed. He spent it and then didn’t have money to buy mulch and we weren’t about to give him anymore money. His mom took him off the job and bought the mulch that we paid her son to buy. She promised to make all his mistakes right. Mistake number two. We should have cut our losses then and let her go. Instead all her trying to make things “right” has snowballed into everything being wrong. We are left with a ruined front porch because they used muriatic acid to get the paint off the concrete floor of the porch. Now it is stained and we will need to have it painted or refinished to cover the staining. The boards around our garage still need to be replaced and we are not sure about how we are going to fix the siding that came off in jagged hunks when they removed the old boards. They also busted a sprinkler head and burned a hole in a chair cushion. There is so much more but I don’t have the energy to write it all.

My husband decided it was time to cut our losses and fire them and now we have to find someone to come fix this mess. This woman was terribly upset and cried because she’s never been fired from a job before. It really sucked because I really like her and hate to see her hurt. The lesson I’ve learned? To only hire professionals to paint or do carpentry.

Other drama I had was dealing with Madeline at her dance recital this weekend. She’s been off her ADHD medication for about two weeks and this weekend was proof more than ever that this child needs this medication. I got a taste of the Madeline that we were dealing with prior to starting the meds and quite honestly I can’t deal. She was hyper, impulsive, would not listen to me, and was argumentative. She would talk loud and was attention seeking. Also her tics had come back that day with a vengeance. It felt like all I was doing was telling her to not do this and not do that because so much of her behavior is socially unacceptable. I got so frustrated with her that I was mean. I told her that I can’t stand when she acts this way and that she is taking her pills whether she likes it or not. I feel bad. I hate when I lose my cool like that.

It was a long day. We were there from 9:30am until 10pm on Saturday and noon until ten on Sunday. She performed eleven times on Saturday. It was a lot and we were both crabby. Her MoJo was off and during her favorite dance number she fell during a flipover with her partner. They had nailed this move every time before now. I stopped feeling nervous about it because they seem to have it down. It was the last straw for Madeline. She’s a perfectionist like her mother and I knew it would rock her world. She came off the stage and tried to hide her embarrassment by being flippant and stating she meant to mess up. I guess in a nine year old’s mind that makes sense. As soon as she saw me she cried and I wanted to cry too. It took everything I had to not fall apart with her. She claimed to not feel well. She often claims to have a sore throat and a stomach ache whenever she’s not feeling “right”. It took me awhile to figure out that her inability to cope manifests in physical symptoms.

I apologized for being short with her earlier and told her that I understand why she’s not feeling good on the inside. When she has days like this it seems to me that she has an “itch” or icky feeling inside and moving a lot, talking loud, and her tics are a way for her to cope or hide what she’s feeling inside. It reminds me of my nephew who refused to poop on the toilet for awhile. He would hold his bowels and to deal with the uncomfortable feeling he would move around a lot and appear hyper. Unfortunately for Madeline this behavior can be annoying to adults and to me in particular.

We left the theater for an hour to get some fresh air and a change of scenery. I filled her up with water and food. We drove around and danced in the car to her favorite music. By the time we got back she felt better and mentally was ready to perform again. She did great until it was time for the dance number that she previously fell during. I knew she had psyched herself out when she told me that she hated this dance. I sent her on stage knowing she had already convinced herself she would fall again and sure enough she did. As she tumbled to the floor my heart broke in a million pieces. I knew she would have a hard time shaking it. She came off stage announcing that she laughed when she fell in an attempt to cover up her embarrassment. I reassured her that no one was laughing at her and that we were all relieved that she didn’t hurt herself. I reminded her that these things happen and ran down the list of things that went wrong in other numbers. There were other girls who fell or lost a shoe. One poor girl’s strap broke on her top while on stage. It happens. I told her I was proud of how she got up and continued dancing without missing a beat. She’s been dancing for 7 years and this was the first time she ever fell on stage. I told her that all dancers have a fall or embarrassing stage moment to tell. This seemed to make her feel better.

We had a good talk on the ride home about resuming her medication. She agreed to take it at night with food in hopes that she would sleep through any tummy discomfort. She has slept like a rock on the floor next to my bed for two nights so I’m hopeful that I can keep her on the medication. I have to admit that I like the medicated Madeline so much better than the non-medicated one. We get along better, less arguments, and I truly enjoy hanging out with her. What makes me the saddest about Madeline’s issues is that if I have moments that I don’t like her then there must be other adults that don’t like her either. In fact there is one mom that both Madeline and I can feel she does not like her. Her daughter is the exact opposite of Madeline and I don’t think she understands Madeline because her daughter’s issues are so different from Madeline’s. I’m realizing that I need to stay away from moms that can’t deal or understand what’s going on with Madeline. I hate feeling that she thinks Madeline behaves the way she does because I’m a bad mom. Madeline also picks up on it and her behavior worsens when she’s around people that make her feel unaccepted. I have enough doubts and uncertainties with raising a child with neurobehavioral issues that I don’t need another mom adding to it. It really sucks for me to feel embarrassed of Madeline’s behavior or to always be second guessing my parenting skills. I never thought I would feel this way. I try really hard to accept my kids for who they are and to nurture what they want to be. It’s all those damn other moms who are so quick to judge my situation when all isn’t perfect in their backyard either. I’m lucky to have several friends who look for the wonderful qualities of Madeline rather than the annoying ones. And I’m lucky to have her, Tourette’s, OCD, ADHD and all. She is full of so much love and has a heart of gold. She is very compassionate and caring. These are traits that only those that she feels accepted by get to see. She also heals me. I grew up in a family that did not hug or kiss. I don’t even remember ever hearing “I love you” from my parents. I do my best to shower my kids with hugs, kisses and I love you’s but I’m sure I could do it more often. Madeline helps remind me to show my love for them because she’s always hugging and kissing me. She’s also super generous with I love you’s. She does my heart good and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world. I just hope I don’t mess her up too bad. She’s my firstborn and I’m still trying to figure out this parenting gig.

Madeline’s neurologist prescribed Strattera a couple months ago to help control her ADHD. We started her on a night time dose and gradually increased it before switching her to a morning dose because it has a side effect of stomach upset. I was thrilled that it was working to calm her down and help her focus. It also chilled out her tics. She occasionally complained of a tummy ache but didn’t seem to have any other undesirable side effects. I thought we were smooth sailing until I found out she had stopped taking her pills.

I pulled out the couch to plug in my laptop. To my surprise I found ten yellow and white capsules on the floor behind the couch. I give Madeline her medicine every morning except on the weekends. I didn’t pay any attention to if she was actually ingesting them.

At first I was pissed that she was deceiving me. I couldn’t help wondering what else she is doing that I’m completely oblivious to. I was also angry that she would hide pills with a toddler in the house that puts everything but food in her mouth. But then again Madeline is only nine and I guess she doesn’t think of things like that. I was still pissed at her. It was a good thing that she was in bed for the night when I made this discovery. Sleeping on it gave me a chance to calm down. I wasn’t so mad anymore by morning and I had to chuckle to myself about how I did something similar when I was a kid. I hated meat and vegetables. My mom made me eat both anyway. When my mom wasn’t looking I would put the detested food behind the stove or under my bed or the couch. In my childish mind I thought I would never get caught but eventually did when my mom would finally figure out where “the odor” was coming from. I’m sure Madeline thought she would not get caught.

I asked her if she had any idea what I found behind the couch. She gave me a completely puzzled look until I told her what I found was yellow and white and in the shape of a capsule. She tried to hold back her nervous smile. I reminded her that she can’t hide anything from mommy because I will always end up finding out. I asked her why she stopped taking her pills. Turns out they were giving her more tummy aches than I was aware of. I gave her a quick lecture on how dangerous it was to hide pills because our pets or her younger siblings could have gotten a hold of them. I also reassured her that she could tell me anything and that I would be understanding. We kissed and made up.

I was going to leave her off the meds for the summer but her anxiety has increased over the last couple of days. She’s becoming fearful at night time and has been climbing in bed with me for the last two nights. I don’t want her anxiety getting out of control like it was last summer. I discussed this with her and she agreed to trying the pills at bedtime so she will sleep through the tummy ache. This time I watched her swallow the pills. So we’ll see. I do hope she will be able to tolerate them through the night. The other ADHD meds really aren’t an option for her because they will most likely make her tics and anxiety worse. I hate that she has to deal with this at such a young age.

There I said it. Does it make me a bad mom? I hope not.

I’ve never heard another mom say it out loud. Is that because other moms never have this feeling or because they keep it to themselves? Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. To. Death. I just have moments where I don’t like how my oldest behaves. She has a very attention seeking personality. That’s fine but I hate when she shows off or talks real loud to make sure everyone hears her. When there are other children that we don’t know standing next to us she’ll say things like, “I can’t wait to ride Kerri’s horses” or “That’s so cool that you are going to let me have a cell phone when I’m ten.” It will be completely unrelated to our conversation and spoken in a voice loud enough for the other child to hear while she’s glancing at the child to make sure they heard her. I consider it bragging and it makes me crazy. Bragging is a trait I despise in people and I’m shocked that I have a bragging child. I’ve talked to her about it but yet she still does it.

She really got on my nerves today. We had several of their friends over to play. Madeline was very hyper, bossy, and argumentative. I kept thinking my God how does this child have so many friends?

She’ll hit a sibling and then lie to my face about it. She’s also very argumentative with me. She can get so damn hyper when she’s among a group of people. There’s a social ineptness about her that I can’t seem to formulate into words.

I feel terrible when I have these feelings because I had hoped that I would be able to accept my children 100% for who they are. I also feel bad because I love this child so much that my heart hurts. On the flip side she is a very loving, thoughtful child. She has a very outgoing personality and she can be quite charming.

I often think about when she was a baby. My firstborn. My first time feeling the intense, overwhelming and vulnerable love for a child. I was so excited for her future and to watch her grow up. I promised her that I would give her all the love and support that I didn’t get as a child. I would daydream about her being smart and popular. I imagined her being able to sing, dance, and act. I hoped that she would be good at sports and love to read. I prayed that she would never know the dark depths of depression and have a zest for life. I prayed that I would be a good mother.

It seemed that easy. Hope. Pray. Imagine. I thought that if I gave her a great education, endless love and support that she would grow up to be the kind, loving human being that I imagined. I knew things would go wrong and there would be obstacles to face but I never imagine parenting would be THIS hard. No one told me that my children would embarrass me or bring me to my lowest of lows. No one told me that my children would tell me they hate me or make me feel rage I didn’t know I had. No one told me that there would be obstacles I would find hard to overcome. No one told me how loving them would hurt my heart and that I would worry myself sick.

Even as a baby Madeline was a very intense and spirited child. She threw tantrums that scared the Hell out of me and often left me wondering what I was doing wrong. We thought she was gifted because she spoke well at a young age and had advanced motor skills. She came across as much older than her age. She was quite the performer and still is. She dances competitively and has a great singing voice. It was quite a shock when I realized that she could not write her name or learn letter sounds like her friends of the same age. She was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder. We had her tutored for many years and is now reading at her age level although her spelling is still difficult for her.

Around the age of six she had her first tic. She would sniff constantly as if she had a cold or allergies. We didn’t know it was a tic and we would yell at her to blow her nose. Poor baby. The tic disappeared as quietly as it appeared. That summer she began blinking her eyes. I contributed it to chlorine. She was on a swim team and swam very day. Once again the tic disappeared as quietly as appeared. By winter she had multiple tics and would sniff books and each bite of food before she put it in her mouth. I would watch her when she didn’t know I was looking. I was intrigued and horrified at the same time. My gut was telling me that it was Tourette’s Syndrome but my husband would brush it off. I felt so alone in my worries.

Every night before I went to bed I would stand over her bed and pray. I begged God to give me guidance and to help Madeline accept herself. I stood over her, looking at her beautiful face while the tears ran down my face. I felt sick at the thought of her being made fun of or not being accepted. I quietly promised her that I would teach her how to become a better person because of her struggles. I’m not exactly sure how to do it but I will figure it out. I rose above my wretched childhood so I know I’ve got it in me.

By summer her tics were at their worst. She would jump and kick her butt with her heels. I was horrified when I saw the circle bruises on her butt until I realized that they were from her constant jump/kick tic. She had several facial tics and had a spitting tic for a short time. That one bothered me the most because I worried that other adults would think she was a rude child devoid of manners. I’m also completely grossed out when people hack up a loogey and spit. I cringed every time she did it. She continued to sniff her food and for a long time she would touch her forehead, cheeks, chin, chest with each bite before eating it.

The amazing thing is how quickly we got used to her tics. So far she has not been teased and she openly talks about them. She has adopted our “it’s no big deal” attitude. Her tics really aren’t bothersome but the anxiety that crept up in her was exhausting. She was afraid of everything. Especially elevators and dark places. We went to Disney World and she was a ticcing anxious mess. She worried about our plane crashing and was fearful of any ride that looked dark and scary. It was a stressful trip and hubby and I fought most of it. I knew it was time to see a doctor.

We took her to a pediatric neurologist who diagnosed the Tourette’s. We opted to not medicate her since her tics weren’t affecting her daily life. I was concerned that she had PANDAS which stands for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infection. The theory is that OCD, tics, and/or anxiety is triggered by strept infections. It seem to apply to Madeline because she had repeated strept throat infections. In fact she had six infections between January and May of that year. Her doctor quickly dismissed it as hogwash. I’m not sure if it’s coincidental or not but after we had her tonsils out that August her tics and behavior greatly improved.

She’s tic free at the moment but her ADHD is at it’s worst. I’ll take the tics over her ADHD symptoms any day. Her argumentativeness over the last few months has put a strain on our family. I worry that my other children will feel resentful of how much of my time is spent dealing with Madeline. We started her on Strattera a month ago and we have seen some improvement. I can always tell how she’s doing by her handwriting. It is very sloppy when she’s disconnected and inattentive. Two weeks into the medication her handwriting greatly improved along with her grades.

So back to me not liking her at times. I’m disappointed that I have these feelings especially after how much my heart has bled over all she’s been through and will go through. I love her more than life itself. I don’t ever feel dislike for her when her behavior is out of control. In fact I love her more during those times because I can see in her eyes that she’s suffering. She often verbalizes remorse for her out of control behavior. It’s the bragging, bratty, bossy behavior that gets under my skin. I will continue to talk to her about how to be a good friend and a likable person. Beyond that I have to trust that she may work it out herself and grow up to be the kind human being I want her to be. I also know that I will have to accept that she may grow up to be someone that has traits I dislike and to still love her unconditionally.

Damn! Why didn’t someone tell me parenting would be the hardest thing I would ever do. Where’s that book?

Happy Valentine’s Day and a big thank you to everyone who sent me a Valentiner. That was fun although it took forever to open them. Their server must of been bogged down from all us desperate fools opening our love notes. I felt like a little kid. So much fun! The funniest one I got was from my older girls. Madeline is grounded from the computer and is not happy about it. Here’s what she wrote:

happy valentine day mom who will not let me on the
comperter
love,
isabelle,
madeline

My hubby got me a box of Lindt dark chocolates. My family knows I’m a chocoholic and that I don’t like to share my chocolate. Do you remember the donuts in the dryer? Madeline was afraid I would eat the piece of chocolate that she wanted so she “reservated” it with a note. Cracked me up when I took the lid off.

It’s a little hard to see. It reads “reservated for Madeline”

My oldest three are back at school today. They got a snow day yesterday which worked in my favor because Madeline had an appointment with her neurologist. I hate when she misses school because that means I have to do her school work with her at home and here lately teaching her has nearly driven me homicidal. Her doctor gave us a script for Strattera which I will start Madeline on tonight. It can cause stomach upset so we are starting with the night time dosing. We are giving this one a try because it won’t worsen her tics or anxiety. There is a chance it may not work because it isn’t a stimulant like the other ADHD drugs but it’s a starting place. I liked how her doctor explained to her what the medication is for. He told her that her mind sees things as if everything in a room is lit up which makes her eyes want to look at everything. The medication is like a flashlight to help her focus by lighting up whatever she’s looking at so everything else in the room isn’t so bright. She seemed satisfied with that explanation.

Lastly I want to share this photo of Isabelle’s “school”. She loves to pretend she’s a teacher and her stuffed animals and barbies are usually her students. Even though their messes can drive me crazy I know I’m going to miss this when they no longer play like this.

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