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and lots of other swag that made great souvenirs for my kids.
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I had a good time but damn it was an expensive trip. I’m not even counting the two dresses I bought to wear to the cocktail parties.
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The St. Francis was worth every penny but charging $7.20 for just opening the minibar? I didn’t even take anything.
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Just browsing, for crying out loud.
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And I’m still smarting about the 12 pounds of swag I had to give away at the airport so I wouldn’t have to pay the oversize luggage fee. (Corrina, stop laughing at me. I really wanted those three jars of peanut butter.)
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I ended up checking my luggage in at a whopping 49.9 pounds and carrying an overflowing oversized bag onto the plane. I was one of the last people on the plane so the two other people in my row had to get up to let me in to the window seat.
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I’m still not sure how exactly it happened but my very large and very heavy bag threw me off balance and I fell backwards onto my seat with my legs ending up over the arm rest.
gggggggggggggg
I laughed at myself and tried to be all cool about it until I realized that getting out of my predicament was not going to be easy. My very large and very heavy bag was lodged between my seat and the seat in front of me. It was no longer funny. I could hear people snickering at me.
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My seatmate who is still standing in the aisle asks if I need a minute. What I needed was a hand but I’m too proud to ask so I slid my butt up and over (thank God I wasn’t wearing a skirt) the armrest and onto the seat next to me where I was able to stand up and shove my very large and very heavy bag under the seat in front of me.

You know everyone was thinking:

Serves her right, dumb blonde bringing that huge bag on board.

What is it with me and public transportation?

(I have no idea why the font has changed)

I almost didn’t get on my plane to SF. Things started to fall apart on our way to the airport. Our plan was to drop Madeline off a half an hour early at dance then head to the airport but her school ended up being closed. We were obviously too early. We drove around the parking lot for a few minutes while trying to figure out what to do. Madeline was hysterical at the thought of missing class but there was no way we were going to leave her out front so we had to take her with us. Those extra minutes ended up being a blessing because there was a horrible six car accident that closed the highway. Had we been on the highway a few minutes earlier we would of ended up being on the part of the highway that was closed for hours or worse we could have been in the accident.

We did sit for an hour before being diverted and it was stressful. Madeline was crying about missing dance, hubby was trying to get me on another flight and not have to pay another $500, Isabelle was not handling me leaving and was on the verge of puking, and I was trying to find someone to pick Marigrace up from the sitter. All the while I’m thinking that this all was a sign that I shouldn’t be going.

Then the heavens opened up, traffic lessened and my SIL convinced me that her being available to pick up Marigrace was a sign that I should go. That’s why I love her so. She always knows the right thing to say.

My flight had been running on time but by the time arrived to the airport it was delayed fifteen minutes.

Hallelujah!

The best part of rushing for my plane was that it prevented me from the big boohoofest of saying good bye to my family.

I spent two days with my sis doing the touristy thing and learning about public transportation. Early Wednesday morning after wasting time on the wrong train I finally met up with my BlogHer roommate, Corrina. We bonded at last year’s conference and I was super excited about seeing her.

We spent the day feeding the poor with some of her friends. This was one of the best parts of my trip. Her friends were so awesome and took me in as one of their own. We filled boxes with food and loaded them on a truck then drove into an area of need and honked our horn. At first we didn’t see anyone but by the time we parked there was a line of folks to get a box of food.

It was bittersweet.

One boy who looked to be nine or ten brought a cart and asked for two boxes. It was obvious that he was the man of the house and all I could think about was how different his life is from my own ten year old.

I was humbled.

A train ride later we left hungry people in subsidized housing for a luxurious hotel and many “things” to delight our senses.

And we imbibed.

The conference for me had a different feel from last year. There was comfort in seeing my peeps that I bonded with last year but the large amount of people this year made it overwhelming. The conference moves at a fast pace so there is little down time unless you purposely sneak off for some. I’m not good at small talk and I hated when I would see someone I know or want to get to know in passing but unable to stop and really talk.

Some of my best conversations happened in bathrooms where just the nature of being in a bathroom makes people more open and less inhibited. Plus everyone that comes in ends up being pulled into the conversation.

There was also a less high school feel this year. I think everyone did a great job of mingling outside of their circle. Some that I found cold and distant last year were warm and friendly this year. I’ve realized that it may not have been them at all but my own insecure perceptions. I’d love to do a study on this phenomena.

I only went to three sessions, one of which I plan to write about, but mostly I went to the conference to socialize. Here is where I’m going to do some major name dropping.

I’m bummed that I didn’t get to spend more time with Kiki, Neen, KC, Deb, Jenny, Jennifer, Jaelith, Jess, Jen, (I must have a thing for girls whose names start with J), Dana, Rachel, Michele, and Tanis who is so pretty that I felt compelled to pet her silky blonde hair. I didn’t but really wanted too.

I had a great time with Amie (such a kind soul), Michelle (so funny and humble), Jenny (just as sweet as I expected her to be), Marty, (so freakin’ down to earth) her mom and Christopher (cutest baby ever except my own), and my awesome roommate, Corrina.

I loved the bathroom pow wows with Jenny, Lotta, and Deb. These girls are just so fucking awesome.

I enjoyed meeting Jennster, Lori, VDog, Elizabeth, Lovebabz, Janet, Megan, Christine, Diana, Stephanie, Jenny, Sophia, Liv (who must think I’m a freak because I kept staring at her. She’s just so beautiful and sexy in a 50’s pinup girl kind of way) and Molly who I can’t link to because I’m not so sure she told me her blog name but she is too awesome to not mention.

There’s also the awesome chick I met on the furniture floor at the Macy’s party whose name escapes me. She has a 10 month old baby with a very rare disease. She’s super cool and I hope she reads this and contacts me.

I also can’t forget to mention the lovely Jen and super sweet Sarah.

And Grover. I can’t forget Grover.

It was over way too fast.

I’m back from our family vaycay to San Diego and trying to adjust to the steamy heat and time change. Getting in at 1:30 this morning doesn’t help any.

A big thanks to the fab bitches who blog sat. You girls rock!

We had a great time on our trip. It was jam packed and Marigrace was a trooper. We dragged her everywhere and she caught catnaps wherever she could. There were a few meltdowns by Sunday but I must say that I’ve become a pro at dispelling tantrums after having three high strung toddlers come before her. Actually, Connor was the easiest toddler but the girls have trained me well.

Madeline did much better flying than she did last year. Looking back I realize how much she has grown up and how her anxiety has greatly improved. Drugging her also helped. Her Tenex and Benadryl cocktail had her sleeping most of the flight. Currently she only has two tics (that I notice) and some mild OCD. It was the occasional extreme hyperactivity that had me wanting to throw her jump off the balcony.

Here are the highlights and lowlights of our vacation:

*Ran into a neighbor at the San Diego airport. A neighbor that I haven’t seen in at least a year. How funny that I rarely see her in the hood but run into her in another state.

*The resort we were supposed to stay at turned out to be a dump with a crappy pool and rude staff. Fortunately our travel agent was able to book us a suite at the Marriott on Coronado Island for only $20 more per night. Can you believe that shit? The first place jacked up their price because it was the week of the 4th of July.

*We visited Legoland and Sea World. We get 6 complimentary Sea World tickets from a friend whenever we go. We usually don’t need all six so we give away one or two of them to some unsuspecting family in the ticket line. The kids pick out a family that they feel are the most deserving. We give them the ticket(s) then quickly fade into the crowd so they aren’t given a chance to repay us in any way. The look on their faces is priceless.

Shamu Rocks!

*We toured the USS Midway Museum which was super cool. We met a guy who was on the ship during Desert Storm. He walked around with us for awhile and gave us a personal tour of what it was like on the ship. Hubby was in heaven.

 

*Marigrace’s reaction to sand:

…loving it by the second trip to the beach

*I loved the patriotism of Coronado Island. Their 4th of July parade was the longest parade I’ve ever seen and full of service people of the past and present. Everyone stood whenever a military group came through. It really warmed my heart and I teared up each time. That kind of respect and gratitude is just so cool.

*Our funniest moment was during a bike ride on one of those 6 person bikes that screams out that we are tourists. You know no resort native would ever ride such a thing. Madeline was in the driver seat when I lost a shoe. Hubby jumped off to retrieve it and Madeline kept pedaling while hubby tried to catch up. The entire time he chased us he repeated “I love bike riding”. He’s such a good sport. Especially since we were laughing pretty hard at him.

I guess you had to be there. Good thing I’ve got video!

*Refereeing sibling rivalry was exhausting but when the day ends like this…

 

…I can’t help but too think they are all worth it.

 

Gratuitous baby pic

And now I must sleep.

If only there was more time in a day. I just can’t seem to get done all that I have to do and more importantly, what I want to do, in a day. I’m really perturbed that I can’t fit blogging in my life like I once could. Hopefully I will have more time this summer.

I won’t bore you with a laundry list of what I’ve been doing since I last posted so I’ll just catch you up on the important stuff.

*I got Madeline into her neurologist the day after my last post. He prescribed Tenex which is an antihypertensive that can also suppress tics. The only side affect has been it makes her tired so we slowly increased her dose. The fatigue has actually been good for her. She’s a kid who doesn’t need much sleep so her mind and body is getting some much needed rest since she doesn’t tic when she sleeps. One of her tics is sucking her stomach in real tight then sticking it out as far as she can. This tic is causing her a lot of tummy discomfort and she has had a couple of emotional breakdowns over her inability to stop it. We’ve gotten her to her prescribed dose in the last few days and I’m already starting to notice a decrease in her tics.

She did give a talk to her class about Tourette’s Syndrome and shared HBO’s special on Tourette’s with them. Her teacher said she did a great job and her classmates were very interested in learning about it. It was a great lesson in compassion and it gave her a feeling of control over something she can’t control. Needless to say I am very proud of her.

*We did some remodeling in our kitchen. The cabinets were antiqued, replaced the sink and stovetop, and had the counters recovered with a material that is made of recycled glass. Very cool stuff. Here’s a before and after. Well kind of a before shot. I didn’t think about doing a before photo until after the cabinets were painted and the stove and sink were removed. They would also be better shots if I took them in the daytime but I’m lucky I ever took them at all.

*Isabelle made her first communion then we had a huge celebration at our house. My husband is from a very large family so all our parties are a big to-do. Here is a photo of her cake.

Why am I sharing a photo of the cake? Because that cake cost $120. I should have had it professionally photographed for that kind of money.

I didn’t mean to buy such an expensive cake. A friend had told me about a bakery that had the best tasting cake she had ever had so I thought I would give them a try. I spent forty minutes looking through their book with photos of the most amazing cakes I had ever seen and consulting with the salesperson. I figured the cake would probably be around $75 but I never imagined she would ring me up to the tune of $120. By that time I was too embarrassed to tell her she was out of her mind if she thought I would spend that much on a cake. So I wrote my check without a flinch and spent the rest of the day sick to my stomach with buyer’s remorse. Thankfully it turned out to be an amazing cake and definitely the best cake I’ve ever eaten.

*I attended a Wii Fit party at this super cool chick’s house the week before it was released. You can read about the partay here. I was pretty impressed with it and bought one the day it was released. How could I not buy it since it told me I’m of normal weight and an average BMI and that my butt is not big at all? Okay I added the last part. It is pretty cool though and I’ve been using it every day since I got it. My only suggestion would be that I could choose a personal trainer on the game that looks like Brad Pitt and doesn’t wear a shirt. What would be even better is if he talked dirty and told me how hot I am. I guarantee that would have me exercising consistently.

*I got my hair cut today. It had been way too long since I had gotten cut because my life is so ridiculously crazy as of late. It was halfway down my back and now it barely touches my shoulders! My hairdresser cut four inches like I requested but then she started cutting my layers and we started talking and the next thing I know is there is more hair on the floor than on my head!

I’ve got a few more things to share that will have to be their own posts and I will hopefully find time to write this week. Thanks for not forgetting about me!

I’m hosting a blog bash with my sis over at Lipstick to Crayons. We’ve got some really awesome prizes and giveaways going on so check it out!

Boy, have I missed my blog and all my blogging friends. I didn’t mean to stay away for so long. Life just became overwhelming. I had moments where I felt like I should just hit the delete key so my neglected blog wouldn’t feel like such a monkey on my back. I’m still having moments where I’m not so sure how I will ever fit blogging back in my life. I don’t know how other moms of 4+ kids (or really any mom) are finding the time but I would love to know because I just can’t find a balance so something in my life doesn’t have to suffer in order to find time to blog. My biggest issue is feeling so trapped in my life which I feel guilty about. My life is good. I have a sweet, hard working husband who has provided me with a very comfortable lifestyle. I have four great kids, several girlfriends I can really count on, and a sister who is the bestest friend I could ask for. I should feel happier but most of the time I feel overworked, unappreciated, and wishing for more hours in a day.

My little funk began when I received an invite for the infamous J&J Camp Baby. An all expense paid trip with some of my favorite blogging friends? Three days away from the demands of my hubby and kids? I was so in. Except by the time I was able to secure childcare the camp had met its guest quota. Too bad, too sad.

This is when I had my first moment of feeling trapped within the confines of family life. You know you need a mommy break when you can relate with Chelsea Handler’s character on one of the In The Motherhood webisodes where she tells a policeman that maybe she does want to go to jail just so she can be alone.

I was angry with my husband because I felt that he should have offered to stay home with our kids if I couldn’t find childcare. I so rarely ask him to take time off from work to help with the kids and I’m quickly growing resentful of the fact that in order for me to do anything I have to find childcare when he is free to make his plans knowing that I’m always here to be with the kids. It feels terribly unfair. My hubby realized how unfair this is when I made a tearful comment that I did not know I would have to give up my life in order to be a mom. He tried making it up to me by offering to fly me out to see my sister but he was missing the point. These free trips don’t come around often and I wanted to feel like he valued me and my job being a mom enough to tell me he would make sure the childcare was covered so I could get away.

So I didn’t go and my life got increasingly busier over the next few weeks and won’t slow down again until the end of school. Just keeping up with the house, laundry, homework, running errands, cooking meals, carpool, and servicing the hubby take up a full day. I sacrifice sleep to fit in the things I like to do such as reading, blogging, and playing on the computer. My oldest is a competitive dancer and spring time is when I have to shift into stage mom mode. She has two competitions and a recital every spring. This year she is in eight numbers which means eight costumes and everyone of them needed some altering or embellishing. She had her first competition this past weekend and I am sharing videos of the dress rehearsals on YouTube.

I also have several blogging projects in the works if I can ever find enough time to commit to any of them fully. The latest endeavor is The St. Louis Bloggers Guild which I can’t honestly take any credit for but I plan to take a more active role in the very near future.

I have also put my mommy guilt aside and have found an in-home daycare for Marigrace twice a week so I can free up some time for much needed “me” time. I’m going to make an effort to pamper myself more. What I have realized over the last few weeks is if I don’t value myself then neither will anyone else.

Hopefully you will see me around more often. I really have missed you and this blogging gig. Thanks to all of you who checked in on me. It’s nice to feel missed.

It’s been a rough week. We are having some crazy ass weather here. Last Friday brought us a huge dump of snow and kids home from school. By Monday we were pulling out our shorts and t-shirts for 75 degree weather. Would you believe my kids asked if we could go swimming? Missouri is classic for sledding one day and suntanning the next.

The warm weather didn’t last long. After a few wicked thunderstorms we turned cold again. Then yesterday we had the dreary, rainy kind of weather that makes you want to slit your wrists.

Today as I was walking out of Target after much needed Target therapy the sideways sleet and ice moved in. Of course my truck was parked where I had to walk in the direction of the sleet. It felt like my face was being pelted with tiny pebbles.

Just as I shut my trunk a cart guy yelled out to me that I forgot a bag in the store.

Are you kidding me?

I had to get Marigrace out of her car seat and head back in for my bag. Walking in wasn’t so bad since the ice was now falling on my back but the walk back to my truck left me with a red and frozen face. This is the point where I wanted to cry.

I’m exhausted.

Connor and Marigrace have bad colds. They both have very reactive airways so their colds turn into barking coughs that end in puke and labored breathing. Night time is the worst so between sick kids and thunder storms sleep has eluded me.

Marigrace is much better today but it was a rough weekend. It reminded me of the first 14 months of Connor’s life and the frequent ER visits for croup and breathing difficulties that all started after he spent five days on oxygen in the hospital for RSV when he was only 10 weeks old. Fortunately we found a wonderful allergist who diagnosed him with allergies and asthma. He’s now on medication that keeps his asthma controlled but colds are still a big trigger for him. Marigrace seems to be the same way but not as severe.

I’m a nurse so I can handle most medical issues pretty well. Give me the shits and pukes, broken bones, fever, cuts, burns, and stitches but the breathing stuff makes me a nervous wreck.

For two days Marigrace breathed so fast and hard that her little chest sucked in and out. I gave her Albuterol treatments around the clock to control the wheezing which would cause her heart to beat fast. The labored breathing scares the shit out of me but I have to hide my fears from my freaked out hubby who is wanting reassurance from me that she’ll be okay.

I didn’t sleep much at all those few nights because I held her all night out of fear that her little body would poop out from working so hard to breathe. By Monday her wheezing and labored breathing had greatly improved and she was acting more like her feisty two year old self. I took her to the doctor mostly to appease my hubby. I was already doing for her all that needed to be done besides letting the cold run its course. Even though I’m a nurse my hubby wants to hear from the doctor that our baby isn’t dying. He is usually pretty calm and even keeled about things. I’m the emotional one but when it comes to our kids getting sick he freaks out.

I can’t blame him though. He lost his parents when he was a teen and we have had more than our share of scares with Connor’s asthma. The worst was when I was in the hospital after giving birth to Marigrace. My hubby called around midnight to let me know that Connor was having bronchospasms and inquiring how to mix his Albuterol in the nebulizer. An hour later he called frantic that Connor was not getting relief from the treatment, steam, or cold air. The poor man has spent so many nights driving our son around with the windows down or sleeping on the deck in the cold under a pile of blankets just to help Connor breathe.

This time he was really freaking out and upon hearing Connor’s cough through the phone I knew we had a different kind of problem on our hands. Connor had stridor and needed steroids and epinephrine. My hubby got a neighbor to stay with the girls and headed to the ER.

I felt so helpless and scared. I spoke to my hubby around 2 am when he was in the ER at the very hospital I was in. Connor was a little better but there was a possibility he would need to be admitted.

I finally dozed off until I was awakened by our pediatrician around 6 am. Turned out that Connor was admitted and he had just seen him. The sucky thing is I was being discharged that day. Fortunately the hospital discharged me but let me stay in my room until Connor was discharged which ended up being later that evening.

I don’t know why I just wrote all this. Flight of ideas I guess. If you’ve ever had a conversation with me then you know I tend to do this. Not only do I talk a lot but I start on one subject and end up on another. I always seem to have something to say.

Did I mention that all this dreary weather makes me want to eat all day?

I wrote about Madeline’s issues with a frienemy last week and how I had come to the realization that it isn’t a problem I can just “fix”. If she is going to choose to stay friends with her frienemy then she we will have to figure how to make it work.

Well, I actually got this one right. Once I backed out of “the problem” Madeline was forced to take matters in her own hands. She approached the frienemy in gym class and called a truce. They hugged and it has been going well since. For now, anyway.

In the meantime I have written two letters to each of my oldest daughters. I had given Madeline the American Girl Doll book “A smart girl’s guide to friendship troubles” to help her with her friendship woes but she poo-pooed it. She doesn’t need a book she reassured me. Hmmm, that’s interesting because she certainly seemed to want my assistance. That’s when I decided to write the first letter. She loves to hear stories about when I was a little girl and especially stories about my school and friendship troubles.

I pulled some of the important points I wanted her to read from the book and applied them to my own childhood experiences. I wrote about the times I was teased or I didn’t feel like I fit in. I shared my insecurities about my freckles and my nose and how there were times I felt jealous of another girl who had what I wished I had. The letter ended with how I came to love myself, gained confidence, and to always stay true to who I am.

I want my girls to know that all of these little life “blips” are learning lessons, milestones we all have to go through to figure out who we are. If we learn to love ourselves and treat others as we want to be treated then everything else will fall into place. There will always be little blips in our lives but if we feel good about ourselves then those blips will be more manageable. Blah, blah, blah.

Madeline loved the letter and it sparked quite a conversation between us. She is at the age where she looks up to me so it is very reassuring for her to know I’ve experienced some of the issues she is dealing with right now and I came out okay. The letter went over so well that I wrote another but it is sealed for now.

I know that in a few short years I will no longer be the center of my kid’s universe. They will be trying to gain independence, experience the world without me, and will keep secrets from me. I know we won’t always see eye to eye and I will no longer seem cool to them. I hope we will be able to continue to communicate but I also expect that it will be a trying time for us.

The second letter explains all this plus how I’m trying to keep them safe and only want the best for them even when it seems like I don’t understand. I want them to know that at the time I wrote the letter I was looking into the future with uncertainty. I am afraid of the teenage years. It’s a critical time and I don’t want to mess it up. I want them to know that I do remember being their age and that I didn’t always use good judgement. We are both going to make mistakes and I just hope that we can get through them and still like each other. I shared that I hope they will feel like they can come to me about anything and I can be reasonable.

At this point I don’t know how the letter will be received. When we hit our first teenage years blip I plan to give them their sealed letter. I will encourage them to write me back. I don’t know if will be helpful or not but I figure it’s worth a try.

Milk Breath and Margaritas (love that name!) tagged me with I think my choice of memes. She wrote a creative post combining several memes. I’m too lazy and not as creative as Amy so I chose the Middle Name Meme.

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

My middle is Ann. So unoriginal. My mom wanted my middle name to be Love after Get Christie Love which was her favorite show at the time but my dad wouldn’t have it. I wish my mom would have won that battle because Love is actually a cool middle name. I wish I had chosen it for one of my girls.

A is for accident. I was an unplanned pregnancy. My parents had to get married because my mom got knocked up with me.

N is for nearsighted. I am extremely nearsighted. I cannot see my hand in front of my face. My contact prescription is -5 for the right and -5.25 for the left. Not sure what that really means except that I have very poor eyesight. I call my contacts my “eyes” because I can’t see anything without them.

The other N is for naughty. No explanation needed.

I tag Amie from Mamma Loves and Nina from Can We Kick The Bar Here. (Another blogger that has a name that starts with N escapes me) I also give you girls a get out of meme jail free card if you hate memes. No obligation, my dear friends.

I’ve also been tagged by Amanda from All About The Green for the 7 Random Things About Me meme. I’m lazy and overwhelmed with holiday shit so I’m linking to a previous meme I’ve done; 7 Things You Never Knew You Wanted To Know About Me. Close enough. Tag yourself if you like. I’m too lazy.

I’m giving serious consideration to writing that book appropriately titled, I Fucked Up. Now what? Over the last week I’ve had an epiphany that my discipline skills are not up to par. Now, after reading this post and this article I’m realizing that maybe my parenting skills aren’t that impressive either although I’m not as bad as the parental examples in the article. I would never pay five grand to have my child be taught tips and tricks to get the correct answer on a SAT question without reading the question. I don’t buy my daughters manicures and they definitely are not getting boob jobs for high school graduation. But bells and whistles went off in my head when I read this passage:

“I’m exaggerating, but it somehow strikes me as the perfect image of modern parenthood: a generation of grown-ups bending over to accommodate our children’s every want, while simultaneously requiring nothing from them in return. On one level, we may have decided that childhood is too important to be left to children, but on another, more important level, the kids are very much in charge.”

Umm, yeah, that pretty much sums me up. I deluded myself that I must be doing a good enough job since my kids behave well in public, don’t get into trouble at school, and respond well to my hairy eyeball. I have no trouble with telling my kids “no”. The problem is that sometimes that “no” can be persuaded into a “yes” by my very clever kids. It seems that they have figured this out long before me. My oldest in particular.

Of course, I blame my parents.

Seriously, they were not the best role models for adequate parenting. They were emotionally abusive, neglectful, controlling, and treated me like I was their slave. My oldest is nine and I often look at her in amazement that when I was her age I was in charge of keeping the house clean, taking care of my baby brother, cooking dinner, and waiting hand and foot on my parents. I didn’t take dance class or play an instrument because that was for rich people and would require my parents to drive me to class. Are you kidding me? They had a life and that life did not have time for me.

Now I’m a parent and I’m realizing more and more that I’m parenting my kids through my inner child. I’m parenting them how I wanted to be parented as a child. My kids aren’t going to be little grown-ups. They are going to be kids. They are going to eat on the couch, run barefoot outside, take dance class, play sports, be waited on, not have too many chores, go to the best schools, and be lavished with praise and attention. They are going to have parents who get as excited as they do about going to the candy store or seeing what Santa brought on Christmas morning. Parents who help them build amazing tents with every sheet in the linen closet and let them climb in bed with them when they are scared in the middle of the night.

That’s all fine and dandy but somewhere along the way the fine line between being the parent or being the child got a little muddled. My sister and I often joke that if we want our kids to turn out as well as we did that we should abuse them like our parents did since we both came out of our crazy home relatively sane. I moved out when I was eighteen. I bought my own car and waited tables while I put myself through nursing school. Despite the many hours I worked and some usual college partying I managed to make good grades. I had to. It was my money. My life. My sister did much of the same.

I’m not advocating child abuse to make our children grow up to be hard working, responsible people but I do think our kids need to feel disappointment, loss, pain, and responsibility in order to grow. I do want my kids to grow up and possess the drive, ambition, generosity, compassion, kindness, creativity, and responsibility that me and my husband possess. I fear that if I continue to coddle them that I will miss the opportunity to instill those important qualities. This is why I started the Smart Discipline technique a week ago. (I should get a kickback for how much I’ve bragged about the damn book!)

I very much worry about what kind of generation we are raising. We are a bunch of well meaning parents making some big mistakes. I wish things could go back to being simple. Me and my sister recently had this conversation after feeling disgusted with the outrageousness of some of today’s parents and how child-centric our society has become.

When we were kids we had to be imaginative and resourceful. Take Halloween for example. We had a choice between a plastic costume and mask from the store or scavenge our closets and basements to come up with our own costume. Today’s kids expect the elaborate $40 store bought costume or for mommy to spend hours making one that may very well end up not being good enough. God forbid, your child’s friend down the street should have a better costume.

When I was little I had one Barbie doll and I coveted her. She was in pristine condition and I kept her extra outfit neatly folded in a special place. We didn’t have a Barbie Dream House or furniture so we made our own out of tissue boxes. My girls have at least 20 Barbies, the Dream House, the party porn bus, and all the furniture and accessories. Most of the Barbies have either ratty hair, no head, or a really bad haircut. Half of the furniture is broken and we still can’t find the hot tub so Barbie can have a hot tub party on the Barbie porn bus. Then there’s all the video games which they seem to bore of way too quick. Geez, when I was little I had Pacman and Asteroids and I played them for years.

You know what else bugs me? The pressure from other parents. They aren’t making it easy on me. I’m so tired of explaining to my kids why they can’t have all the extravagant things some of their friends have. All the stuff kids have nowadays and the outrageous amounts of money that parents are spending so their kids can have it all. Are parents going into debt or is this just a rich parent thing to do? How can you save money for college or your retirement if all your funds are going to stuff for your kids? I live in an affluent area of our city and my kids go to a private school so I’m not sure if I’m generalizing here or not. I’m seeing parents who outfit their kids in expensive name brand clothing, elaborate sixteenth birthday parties, spring break vacations at exotic locations, expensive sports cars, and kids as young as nine with their own cell phones. Why does a nine year old need a cell phone? Where is that child going to be that they would not have access to a phone? I can see it for kids of divorced parents but is it necessary for a ten year old girl to have her hot pink phone strapped onto her belt while she’s at a birthday party? Who is she expecting to call? If she needs to call home I’m sure the host or some other adult has a phone she can use. Why wouldn’t her mother have her keep the phone in her tote bag so not to make all the other little girls drool with envy? This recently happened at my oldest daughter’s birthday party and I’m still pissed about it.

I honestly don’t get these parents. I can afford to buy my kids their own cell phone or designer clothes but I choose not too. If I buy my kids designer clothes and accessories how will they ever be happy with something from Target ever again? Or if I buy them an expensive car for their sixteenth birthday how do they go up from there? Where is the incentive to work hard for a nicer car? How are they going to be happy with the crappy car that they can barely afford after college?

My biggest beef is with what some parents are willing to pay for high demand items such as this horse that seemed to sell out before it even hit the store shelves. But yet I could buy it on Ebay for twice it’s worth. I recently tried to get concert tickets for Hannah Montana but it sold out within minutes. There are tickets available online but they will cost me around $300 per ticket. What’s up with that? It’s a kids concert people! Who are these parents that are willing to pay that? I really wanted to take my girls but I’m not willing to spend $1000. I’m also tired of Webkinz and especially Club Penguin where my kids need to be a member in order to get all the really cool stuff for their igloo. I have three kids on Club Penguin. It would cost me $174 for them to all have a membership. Sorry, I refuse to pay that.

When did kids get a more active social life than their parents? It drives me crazy that my 14 year old babysitters have to check their social calender before committing. Are you kidding me? When I was 14 I took any babysitting job I could get. I missed going to the movies with friends on Friday night because I needed the money. It seems that nowadays kids don’t have to earn money for their entertainment or for the $50 pair of jeans they have to have. My daughters have to earn the trendy clothes from Limited Too and I only buy with a coupon or if they are on sale. Why should they have expensive clothes when I don’t even buy it for myself?

Are we screwing up our kids? I fear that our kids are going to grow up to be self indulgent with a great sense of entitlement. We will be left scratching our heads and thinking, I gave you everything. The best schools, the best clothes, and all the toys and gadgets to make you smarter or more popular. I did everything I could to prevent others from making fun of you and to prevent you from feeling disappointment. I told you how great I thought you were every chance I had. I gave you a better life than I had. How did I go wrong?

A week ago I made a commitment to improve how I discipline my kids. I’m also committing to taking back parenthood. I refuse to give in to the pressure to give my kids everything. That new video game or Webkinz charm that they must have will have to wait until Christmas or their birthday. Better yet, they can buy it with their own money. It’s funny though that when they are given the option to buy it themselves they suddenly don’t want it so bad. My kids will do chores and wait on themselves. They will respect adults. They will have good manners. I’ll let them suffer natural consequences. I will expect them to follow our house rules and to do what is asked the first time.

Here is the update to the update of my Smart Discipline post.

The charts continue to work really well for Isabelle and Connor. Their behavior has greatly improved with their quest to not get any X’s on their charts. Madeline of course had to find a loop hole in the chart but is quickly finding out that mommy means business this time.

Saturday was an exhausting day of dealing with her trying to get her way. Her tantrums must have pooped her out because she didn’t put up too much of a fight about not having a pillow and blanket at bedtime. She did fight me on it last night though. I had to really fight the urge to give in as she tried to convince me that she should earn them back since she did eventually make her bed. Every time I thought My God, what kind of mother sends her kid to bed without a pillow and blanket? I reminded myself of how it would set us back and I’ve come too far to let that happen. This is such an important learning lesson for us both.

It wasn’t easy though. She begged, pleaded, wheeled and dealed. I just kept ignoring her and it was hard. She cried and pretended to shiver in an attempt to play on my heart strings. Once she tired of the charade that was not getting her any attention she wrapped herself in the fitted sheet and used her stuffed dog as a pillow. She eventually fell asleep and I was quite proud of myself for not giving in.

But the child does not give up. Around 1 am she woke me up and asked for a blanket because she was scared. I assured her that she was safe then reminded her that she is the one who chose to not have a blanket. I rolled over and ignored her as she continued to whine for a blanket. Eventually she gave up and went back to bed. If she hasn’t realized by now that I mean business then she is more stubborn than I thought.

I feel good that I’m moving in a more positive direction with disciplining my kids and getting more cooperation from them. I hope that it will help lower my stress. I let myself get so overwhelmed with all that I put on my plate that I become resentful and irritable. I have an amazing ability to multitask and to do it effortlessly. But only for so long before I hit a breaking point and have to take a step back and breathe. Yesterday was one of those days. My family has gotten comfy with my ability to take a lot on that they often take me for granted. I had a moment where I think they all saw me as a human being rather than a super hero.

The day actually was going okay although busy. I was quite productive despite the fact that my hubby was gone most of the day either running errands, dropping by his office, and mowing the yard. I like to call it “hiding” but I’ll save that for another post.

Not only do I have my four kids to take care of but there is a neighbor girl, Kimberly, that spends more time at my home rather than her own. She minds me pretty well but I have had some issues. At times it gets to me that she’s over so much, that I’m feeding her, and parenting her as if she were my own. I do it because it concerns me that she would rather be at our house. I’m not going to make any judgement calls about her family but my mommy gut tells me that there may be issues in her home and because of that I can’t let myself deny her our home. I was a little kid living in an abusive home. I would have loved to have had a safe place to go visit everyday and get a taste of some normalcy. I guess there’s a part of me that feels she needs us.

So I had my four kids plus Kimberly hanging out at the house all day. I managed to keep the house picked up, do a few loads of laundry, a few other mundane tasks, get everyone fed, and referee a few squabbles. You know the typical stuff that moms do. It didn’t get crazy until after dinner. I had to run to the grocery store or else my kids would have to take mayonnaise sandwiches on bread heels to school for lunch. I don’t normally go to the store at that time because it’s the “bewitching hour”. I would have gone earlier but hubby had to hide go into the office for a couple hours.

When I got back he brought the groceries in while I got our older girls started on their homework. Within minutes everything fell apart. Our older kids had been at the neighbor’s house while I was shopping. Her bunnies had gotten loose in the house and she needed them to help her catch them. This neighbor calls during the bewitching hour to inform me that Isabelle did not clean up her mess before going home. So I tell her that I will send Isabelle right over but it turns out that Madeline had cleaned it up already. I’m thinking Okay, so what’s the problem? She tells me that my hubby should have made them clean up when he came over to get them and I’m thinking Why didn’t you remind them to clean it up? You’ve never had a problem before giving them a reminder. I tell her I will talk to my hubby about it and hang up thinking What the ? I’m so tired of trying to figure out what makes people do some of the things they do. I discussed it with hubby and he ended up apologizing to Madeline for sending her over to clean up without Isabelle, blah, blah, blah.

Now I was feeling very irritated. Irritated at my hubby for his lax and inconsistent parenting style and even more irritated at my neighbor. Not only did she point out my hubby’s parental mistake but she asked me to list some things on Ebay for her because she’s too busy. She’s too busy? What am I? Bored? Do I appear to have extra time on my hands?

At this point my hubby takes over putting the groceries away because he’s feeling like he got in trouble. I unsuccessfully get the girls started on their homework. Hubby is attempting to stand his ground with Connor that he can’t have a snack because he chose to not eat his dinner. There’s crying and yelling. Then the puppy pisses on the floor. I clean up the pee and back to the girls who are both vying for my time. Madeline is arguing with me that how I do math is not how her teacher does it while Marigrace gets a hold of the markers and writes on Isabelle’s paper who is now screaming, “The baby wrote on my paper!” I suggest to hubby to put Connor and Marigrace in the tub but then remember that I still had not cleaned the poop out of the tub. Hubby gives me that you-still-haven’t-cleaned-the-poop? look and I start feeling my blood pressure rise. I go clean the tub while Connor follows me into the bathroom with a box of waffles. Daddy won’t let him have them so now he starts working on me. I tell him no and to take the box back to the kitchen. He refuses so I start yelling which makes me feel so out of control. I return to the kitchen. Madeline finishes homework and then asks if we could do the soda geyser thingy with Mentos. I remind her that I bought it as a special treat and she lost the privilege of special treats. She takes it well then asks if she can have a caramel apple. I said yes. Hubby tells her she can’t have it because it’s a special treat. Madeline turns to me for clarification because originally snacks weren’t included in the special treat privileges. I’m looking at my hubby like dude, why would you tell her she can’t have it after I tell her she can? I can see how he would think it would be considered a special treat but he could have clarified it with me later rather than in front of Madeline. Now I’m really irritated.

I check on Isabelle. She’s just about done with her homework but is whining about not doing the last page because it’s too hard. Hubby asks me a question and I snap back. He wants to know why I’m being so crabby. I tell him that I feel stressed and he responds with, “What are you stressed about?” Which basically means: You don’t work, you get to stay home with your kids, you have complete control of the checkbook, what could you possibly be stressed about? Right then I felt the sting of tears. I tried to hold them back but Isabelle notices and asks if I’m going to cry.

Then there was a hush.

No crying baby.

No whining kids.

No annoying husband.

No peeing puppy.

Mommy has a breaking point and she has reached it. It has been building for some time.

Isabelle hugs me and Madeline slides a note across the table that reads: Sorry mom you are strest. And I hope you know I love you. We hug and I assure everyone that I’m just tired.

Suddenly there was a shift in the house. Isabelle became cooperative about finishing her homework. Hubby got the bath and shower going without prompting and everyone was talking nice to one another.

How sad that I had to be pushed to my breaking point for my family to see that sometimes mommy can’t handle it all. I really hate that they saw me break. It makes me feel weak. It makes me doubt myself.

Our society doesn’t want moms to view motherhood as ever being stressful and God forbid talk about the dark side of it. But trying to conform to that is stressing me out. It should be okay for me to admit that I can’t always do it all and although I love being a mom there are times that really suck. I wish more moms admitted that they get overwhelmed at times or have moments where they want to run away from it all. I’m not writing this to complain or be whiny but for the moms who get stressed or overwhelmed from it all. I want you to know that you are not alone. Especially if you have a child with special needs. I know what you are going through. You deserve permission to vent, complain, and get a break from it.

I digress. I didn’t mean for this to turn into a soapbox and I apologize for this being so disorganized. On a side note I have found something that has magical powers to stop a tantrum instantly. Videotape the tantrum! Madeline had a tantrum today so I pulled out my camera and before I could push the record button the tantrum magically stopped. Isn’t that interesting? This tactic wasn’t quite as effective when she was younger but now she’s now old enough to worry about it ending up on You Tube.

If you have read this far, I thank you. I’m just about finished but I have an unrelated question. My ten year wedding anniversary is coming up and I need suggestions as to what to give my hubby. I’m considering giving him boudoir photos of myself but it’s pricey. I’m not sure if it’s worth it although if they can airbrush my cellulite and make my ass smaller I’ll pay them whatever they want. I asked my hubby what he wants and he claims he doesn’t want anything outside of sexual favors.

I of course had my list ready when he asked. I want diamonds, lipo, or new carpet. He can choose which one I deserve the most but I’d prefer to have all three!

I have a good friend who is going through a difficult time in her marriage. She has been turning to me for advice and comfort so I’ve unleashed my Celestine Prophecy beliefs on her. Do you remember that book? I read it in my early twenties when I was searching for clarity about my difficult relationship with my parents. I didn’t realize what a profound effect the insights chronicled in the Celestine Prophecy had on my life. I could relate to so much of it and had a lot of ah ha! moments while reading it but what I didn’t realize until now is what I learned from the book still plays out in my life.

The Celestine Prophecy is based on an ancient Peruvian manuscript containing 9 insights to help you achieve a fulfilling life. There are two elements of the book that have stuck with me. The first is about our personal energy and how we have all the energy we need but yet we continually try to steal the energy of others. This was an important concept for me to grasp so that I could work on not letting my mother who is an energy kleptomaniac steal my energy.

The second element of importance to me is that everything happens for a reason. These “coincidences” are tests. You can’t learn until you pass the test. If you don’t learn it the first time then you will be tested until you get it. We are where we are in life because of what we believe and what we’ve acted on. We can increase the incidences of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Can you imagine how peaceful our lives would be if we all practiced this?

I don’t want this to become a sermon because I know that not everyone agrees with this philosophy. For me it helped give me a better understanding of God and my relationship with Him which has been a struggle for me since I did not grow up with any solid spiritual beliefs.

I have many examples of how The Celestine Prophecy relates to my life but the one I’ve been thinking about over the last couple of days is the coincidences that led up to the birth of my fourth baby.

It was a difficult time in my marriage and by far my hardest “test”. I’m still learning lessons from it. My oldest daughter had something bad happen to her while in the care of my SIL. It was the first crisis in my marriage and we were failing. My husband and his family handle things differently than I do. They are classic for not picking the “shit off the carpet”. They walk around it, over it, and pretend to not smell it but no one ever stops to clean it up. Well I’m a pooper scooper so you can imagine how we clashed during this crisis.

I put our daughter in therapy which my hubby did not think was necessary. His thinking was that she didn’t need it since she was acting fine. Having her see a therapist resulted in the situation being hotlined which pissed the SIL off. She felt I was blowing things out of proportion rather than it being the best thing for the children involved. It quickly became apparent to me the great lengths my hubby’s family will go to in order to pretend a problem does not exist. It drove me crazy because I’m someone who firmly believes in standing up for what you believe in and dealing with a problem head on is the only way to resolve it. I grew up with parents who wanted me to pretend family problems didn’t exist and I didn’t put up with it from them so I was not about to put up with it from my in-laws.

My hubby was torn. He has a wife who wants answers and a family that wants a cover up. His family is very large and they have perfected the pretense of the perfect family. They all get together and act like they are this big loving family but compete, back stab, and gossip about one another with zealous. Family members were putting pressure on my hubby to sweep the whole incident under the carpet. My hubby was having a hard time dealing with this pressure. It came across to me like he was putting his brothers and sisters before me and our daughter. Their feelings were more important. This had been an ongoing problem in our marriage and was now coming to a head. Many times I felt like his family’s needs were more important than my own. It hurt me terribly. I had parents who treated me like a second class citizen. I wasn’t going to let my husband do it also.

My hubby had always been my rock. He is the most emotionally stable one out of the two of us. I often joke that he must have a magical suitcase where he puts all his feelings. Although his lack of emotional depth gets on my nerves I didn’t realize how much I counted on his emotional stability until I saw it falter. He became depressed and suddenly I was the one trying to hold us both up. I was so angry at him for pushing me and our daughter to “get over” our feelings about the situation that I didn’t have the strength to hold him up.

I lost a great deal of respect for him and felt myself falling out of love. I felt like I was my child’s only advocate and like a mama bear protecting her cub I wanted to run away to a safe place. For the first time I considered divorce. I was so deep in despair over the situation that I couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t know if we could recover. I was terrified that I would never feel passionate love for him again.

My hubby reached a low he probably hadn’t felt since his parents passed away. He was devastated at the thought of losing me. It was his despair over losing me that penetrated my angry heart. We began marriage counseling which helped our marriage in so many ways.

During this crisis my hubby celebrated his fortieth birthday. We hadn’t been intimate in quite a while so we celebrated his birthday with a kidless dinner and passionate make-up sex.

Three weeks later I realize that my period was late. I had been feeling very tired but I thought it was due to my depression with our situation. I didn’t think it could be possible that I was pregnant since the day we had sex did not coincide with when I would have ovulated. After a few more days of no period I picked up a pregnancy test from the grocery store. I peed on the stick and then left it on the bathroom counter while I put away the groceries. I really didn’t think I could possibly be pregnant. The dates just didn’t add up but I had been pregnant four times already so I know very well what pregnant feels like. I checked on the test and sure enough there was a faint pink line. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I held it in different lights and at different angles. It had to be wrong. Part of me was amazed that I had no clue this miracle had happened. With all my pregnancies except the first I practically knew the minute I became pregnant. I tracked my fertility signs, used ovulation predictors and took pregnancy tests every day until they turned positive. The other part of me was devastated. I did not want another baby. My pregnancies weren’t easy and I didn’t know if my at risk marriage could survive another pregnancy. I felt terribly guilty that I had friends and family who could not get pregnant and here I was growing a baby I did not want. I was also embarrassed to tell people who knew we were having marriage difficulties.

My hubby was thrilled. He could see this baby for the blessing it was. I eventually came to see what a blessing it was also but not without a few “coincidences”. Around 8 weeks I had period- like bleeding. I’ve had a miscarriage so I knew this kind of bleeding is usually an ominous sign. I had such conflicted emotions. I didn’t want to lose the baby that I thought I didn’t want.

I went to my OB’s office and my doctor did the ultrasound rather than the sonographer. Based on my previous miscarriage and my heavy bleeding they expected that I was miscarrying. Those few moments of my doctor searching for a heart beat seemed like hours. I was so relieved when he turned the screen towards me and showed me the heart beat. He reassured me that heavy bleeding can happen and not always mean an impending miscarriage. I was sent home to rest until the bleeding stopped which it did. Then two weeks later while at a school function and in a white skirt I bled again. This time it was bright red and very heavy.

I had a conversation with God on my way to the doctor’s office. I knew he was testing me. I told him that I get his message and thanked him for my blessing. SO PLEASE LET ME KEEP MY BABY!

I did.

I didn’t see one drop of blood for the rest of the pregnancy. I’ll never forget the nurse pointing to the screen and saying, “There’s your little puppet.” Tears of relief and joy rolled down my face as I watched my “little puppet” dance around. So why all the bleeding? Turns out a blood clot was renting space in my uterus.

My point to all of this is that I believe my fourth baby was meant to be. A divine intervention. She healed our marriage. She reminded us of how much we love each other and she was a product of that love. We named her Marigrace because she was the grace that followed a difficult time.

If you are still reading this long winded post, I thank you. I promise I’m almost finished.

Marigrace was not the only blessing that came during that bleak time. I also learned many lessons. I learned that I’m my children’s best advocate and to trust that funny gut feeling that something isn’t right. I learned to stop seeking approval from my hubby’s family because no matter how hard I try they will always find something to pick at. My hubby learned that pushing me to have a closer relationship with his family than I was comfortable with was detrimental to our marriage. Getting sucked into the big family thing was depleting my energy. Now my marriage is stronger than ever and I have this feisty red headed baby who has been such a blessing to my family. I think I passed this “test”.

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