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This is the sentence that rang in my head for days. Here is why:

A few weeks back there was a Desperate Housewives episode where Lynette is falsely accused of child abuse. The next day I discussed the episode with my sis and how awful it would be to be accused of something you didn’t do despite circumstantial evidence. I never imagined I would find myself in the same situation the very next day.

I had made the very difficult decision to send Marigrace to an in-home daycare two days a week so I could have some time to myself and get things done without any kids under foot. The first two weeks were hard on both of us. We both had severe separation anxiety and I had major guilt about leaving her. We adjusted pretty quickly though. By the third week Marigrace no longer cried and actually looked forward to going to the sitter’s house. The first time I was able to leave her without her crying and actually blowing me a kiss good-bye felt so liberating. I knew I had made a good decision for both of us. That was until I was just turning out the sitter’s subdivision when she called my cell phone.

“Hello”

“What’s on this baby’s butt?” she asks.

“Oh my, I forgot to tell you she has a bad rash. There’s cream in her bag,” I say.

The sitter interrupts me, “A rash?! Looks like this baby’s been beat.”

My heart drops and I’m quiet for a moment while I try to process what she has just said.

“Are you serious?” I ask.

“You better come back.”

“I’ll be right there.”

I turn my truck around and head back to the sitter’s house. My head is spinning and I’m seeing black. Is this really happening? How could she not know the difference between a rash and a beating? Does she really think Marigrace has been beaten?

I head back in the house. My heart is pounding and my stomach is sick. We look at the rash together. Marigrace is a fair, red headed toddler with sensitive skin. Rashes are a normal occurrence for her and some are pretty bad. This was one of them. I assured the sitter that no one lays a hand on her and she assured me that she was not accusing me. She just didn’t know what to make of the red blotches. I had made a terrible mistake by not telling her about the rash when I dropped her off. It obviously took her by surprise.

I was sick about it for the next two days. I am by no means an abuser but just the thought that the sitter would question my parenting turned me into an emotional mess. Here I was the one concerned about being absolutely sure that I was leaving Marigrace with someone I could trust and she was questioning me! It felt terrible. I didn’t want to have to worry that she would question every scratch or mark or that child services would show up at my door. Even worse was the thought that she thinks I’m a bad mother. Until this point I hadn’t realized how important it was to me for others to think I’m a good mom. God knows I do my best to be a better mother than my own. Boy, I was taking this personal.

Then on my second sleepless night after “the incident” I had an epiphany. Maybe she wasn’t accusing so much as she was just asking. My girlfriend has been taking her kids to this sitter for two years and also felt that I was taking it way too personal. She says this sitter can be quite brash, opinionated, and has no problem speaking her mind.

Once I stopped taking the incident personally I was able to see the incident from the sitter’s perspective and so my epiphany. I understand that she has an obligation to keep an eye out for possible abuse and I’m sure she is fearful herself of being accused of child abuse. It had to be shocking to see such a bad rash especially after my failure to disclose it. Her first thought must have been that she had been hurt and I didn’t know about it. She had to cover her own ass so that I wouldn’t pick Marigrace up and accuse her of hurting her. She needed clarification that I knew the red blotches were there. But I needed clarification that this was indeed the case and not someone who automatically looks at every mark, bump, bruise, and rash as marks of abuse and flies off the handle.

I needed to clear the air for my own sanity so I brought up the incident when I dropped Marigrace off that day. I’m so glad that I did. I let her know that I was really upset about how she handled “the incident”. She was apologetic that I felt accused when indeed she was just trying to protect herself. She had also seen the Desperate Housewives episode and understood how the bad timing increased my paranoia. Whew! I felt so much better that we spoke about it and hopefully now she realizes I’m overly sensitive and to proceed gently.

It’s been several weeks since the incident and we have both grown to really like each other. I’m so glad I didn’t let it prevent me from taking Marigrace back because she absolutely loves going and I love knowing she’s in safe hands.

Despite its good outcome “the incident” has left a permanent mark on me. I now know how easily someone could make an abuse claim and turn my world upside down. I hate to imagine how this could have taken a different turn had the sitter hotlined me rather than insist I return. Although child services would quickly find out that my children are not abused the invasion on my family would be horrible.

Now I report to the sitter every rash, bump, and bruise so there won’t be anymore “surprises”.

I’m not a writer. I just pretend to be one on this blog.

Literature was my favorite class in high school and I dreamed of writing my own novel but I had read enough novels to know I don’t quite have what it takes to be a good writer. I’m a grammar rebel and not very good at being descriptive.

I don’t write this blog to entertain. This blog is my therapy. I’m a very emotional and analytical person and have always kept journals of my thoughts and feelings. Opening myself up in this very public format has connected me with so many people who “get” me and the connections that I’ve made are cathartic. I’m also an open book and often indulge more than I should. I’m also like this in person. I seem to have a malfunctioning TMI switch. Despite being so open I am careful about where I list my blog and what audience I want to target.
So what’s my point of sharing this?

It recently has come to my attention that there is a website that is publishing my entire blog without my consent. I’m not sharing my Google juice with this site so you will have to here to find out who is scraping my stuff.

Why does this piss me off? Let me count the ways:

1. Like I explained above, I write about very personal and sensitive issues. I often write about my estranged relationship with my parents. I’m also a control freak. I am very careful about where I share my blog feed and I certainly don’t want to make it easy for my parents to find my blog. This site that has stolen my content including publishing my photos. Is it no longer rude to hotlink? That’s right people, photos of my dog, my kids, and myself are published on this site on a page for my city. Uh, hello, I might as well put an ad in the paper with my photo, blog url and hope my parents don’t happen upon it. Check it out, my peeps. Not only will you find me listed in the sidebar but you can read my entire blog. Originally clicking on my post title would take you to another page within their site but once this brouhaha began the owner, Dave Mastio fixed it so now the title will bring you back to my blog.
2. I have asked three times to be removed from the site. I finally received a reply yesterday from Dave Mastio that my blog would be removed but 24 hours later my blog is still listed. If Dave wants to make friends in the blogging community then he needs to play nice. I asked to be removed and that should be honored. I don’t care about his fair use excuse. Clipgator was aggregating my blog last year without my permission and within hours of asking to be removed I was removed. It didn’t get nasty. This is getting nasty. It is MY words, MY photos, and MY stories and any respectable site would not use them without my consent.
3. Dave Mastio is making money off my content. The site seems to serve no other purpose than publishing blogger’s feeds to support advertising and not only do I not receive any revenue from the ads but I have no say in what ads show up along with my blog. Many of the ads are flashy and in poor taste. Don’t even get me started on how much I hate pop unders.
4. I am a control freak as I have established above. I want to control where my feed is aggregated. I’ve given Maya’s Mom permission to aggregate my feed because it’s tasteful, does not publish my photos, is a community of moms and with a click of the mouse I can remove my blog. It is after all, my blog.
5. Dave Mastio did not say pretty please. Seriously, I was not given a choice to opt in or out and I am at the mercy of Dave Mastio to remove me.

I actually thought I had added some copyright protection by using the wordpress copyright plugin which adds this to the bottom of all my posts:

Copyright © 2008 slacker-moms-r-us.com. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact legal@slacker-moms-r-us.com so we can take legal action immediately.

Dave Mastio does not publish my full post so my copyright does not even show on his site. A lot of good that did me.

Bottom line is what I post here is mine and if someone is scraping my blog for no other purpose than their personal gain without my permission then my request to be removed should be respected. C’mon Dave, didn’t your mama teach you any manners?

Here are more posts on this topic:

Mamalogues
WOBL in Training
Super Fun Patrol
News-Bitch
Little Bald Doctors
STL Probloggers
State of Discontent
Prologos
The Broad Brush
A Bun’s Life

*Updated*
Wow! Within a half an hour of posting this my blog was removed from BNN. What a shame that it took a post rather than a simple email to remove my site.

I have found myself in a situation where a series of unfortunate events have left me looking and feeling like an idiot.

It all began with an item that was donated to our school auction by a business woman that I’ve met through blogging. A new family at our school bought the item at the auction which was last November. Three months later she has still not received her item. During the time I am trying to track down whether or not her item ever shipped Isabelle befriends this mom’s daughter and has her over for a playdate. While at my house and under my care the child falls and breaks her arm while doing cheerleader stunts with my oldest and her friend. Big oops! I felt horrible. There is nothing worse than having someone’s kid get hurt while under your care. It’s even worse when you barely know the family.

My hubby was afraid they would sue but so far they have been very understanding. I just don’t know for much how longer. I feel like I appear to be a real dingbat especially with the latest unfortunate event.

I tried to obtain a Love Frog Webkinz around Valentine’s Day to send to the injured child but was unable to find one here in town so I purchased one off Ebay. I was careless and didn’t read the fine print or take a close look at the seller’s feedback. I won an auction that only accepted money orders. Why in the world do money orders still exist in this day and age?

I begrudgingly mailed the money order and notified the seller that the Webkinz was a gift and to ship to the recipient. Two weeks later I asked the child’s mother if they had received it and guess what? They had not. What’s worse is while I’m having this conversation with the mom Isabelle is telling the injured child the story of how Connor jumped off our slide and broke his arm when he was three. The mom hears the story and makes a comment about what dare devil children I have.

Nice.

I look like such an ass. I hope this is the last of unfortunate events with this mom. Fortunately she is a very nice person because she would have every right to get nasty with me.

The upside is that her daughter’s arm is healing very well and she has graduated to a shorter cast. The item from the auction is currently being shipped and the owner is kind enough to personally call the mom. Now I’m working on the Ebay mess. I have learned a big lesson about thoroughly reading the auction listings and feedback before I bid. This seller has nearly perfect feedback so I didn’t bother to read any of it but he’s a powerseller so he sells so much that a few negatives don’t make much of a dent in his positive feedback. Turns out he has plenty of negative and neutral feedback for poor communication and extremely slow shipping not to mention he is very rude. I’m appalled with his replies to negative feedback. Just another example of Ebay’s flawed feedback system.

Hopefully this will all be rectified soon and I can redeem myself to this family.

Earlier today I left a comment on this post about what I call “Freebies From God”. These freebies are little wake up calls or reminders to be more diligent about the care of our kids. I must have been due for a freebie because we had a frightening close call tonight with our quite not two year old, Marigrace.

It started as a typical evening in the Slacker household. We had just finished dinner and baths. It’s a busy time of night or what I like to call organized chaos. Hubby cleaned up the dinner dishes while I was in the master bedroom attempting to listen to Isabelle read a book for her book report. The phone rang frequently and we were interrupted several times. Connor popped in twice to ask me questions and Marigrace came in to show me that she was wearing Connor’s shoes. Madeline became quite excited about being able to see the space shuttle in the night sky so she came and got Isabelle to go outside and look at it with her. They returned a few minutes later and Isabelle resumed her book. Our puppy, Happy had gotten out of the kitchen and had a wicked case of the speeders. He chased Madeline down the hall so I called to her to put him back in the kitchen. I don’t know how many minutes passed before my hubby came in looking for Marigrace. My gosh, how long had it been since I saw her last? Wasn’t hubby watching her?

Hubby couldn’t find her so I helped him look. After a quick sweep of the house and no Marigrace to be found panic set in. Happy was also missing which led us to believe that they may have gotten outside. She can’t open doors yet but I feared the girls may have not completely shut a door while running in and out to look at the space shuttle.

Hubby looked outside while I ran through the house again. I was screaming her name louder and louder as I became more panicked. It’s not like her to go off by herself. If she’s not in my arms then she’s playing with her siblings or with my hubby. She’s going through some major separation anxiety now so it’s unlike her to stray from us unless she’s following the puppy.

My God, she must be outside! She had to be wherever Happy was and he wasn’t answering to his name either. If he gets a chance to run out the door he will and he will take off without any thought to where he’s going.

Hubby was still outside looking for them and they were nowhere to be found. It’s cold and very dark. Our house backs up to woods and our backyard is pitch black because the bulbs in the landscape lights are burnt out which had me cursing hubby. I checked the pool even though it’s covered and gated. At this point I didn’t know where else to look and I was feeling sick at the thought that she may have followed Happy into the woods. Our yard is fenced but our neighbors homes are not.

I became hysterical. I called 911 and gave a description of my missing baby and puppy. Is this really happening? How could she go missing that quick? I yelled at my other kids to go back in the house and look for them. I told them to look in every closet and under every bed. Madeline, my drama queen was also hysterical but Connor and Isabelle didn’t seem to take it seriously. They are obviously not old enough to understand how serious this was. I wanted to shake them and scream THIS IS NOT A GAME! YOUR SISTER IS GONE!

I was barefoot and armed with a flashlight running down the street like a crazed woman. Hubby was searching in the opposite direction and each time I heard him scream her name my stomach sunk. I was envisioning helicopters, search teams, and being the top story on the 10:00 news. Was this really happening? I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I was beyond hysterical. I banged on neighbor’s doors and begged them to help us search. I was crazed and didn’t care that I was behaving like a lunatic.

Horrible thoughts raced through my mind. I checked the sewers and envisioned her following Happy into the path of a car. It’s dark and she had on a dark purple sleeper. She would not be easily seen.

I stood in the middle of the street as I screamed my baby’s name. I didn’t know where to look or what to do. Where were the police? It had only been ten minutes but it felt like hours.

A neighbor that I know well drove around the corner. Just as I was crying for her help my hubby came out of the garage with Marigrace in his arms. I collapsed on the driveway in tears of relief which I feel embarrassed about now. I truly was a crazy hysterical mother.

Turns out she was in the basement playroom closet with Happy. I had checked down there and had looked in every closet but that one. The door was shut and she can’t open doors. I didn’t even think that the door may have been open and she closed it behind her because she didn’t answer when I called. I didn’t hear a peep when I checked the playroom plus my thought process was that she must have gotten outside with Happy. It was the only thing that made sense at the time.

Madeline had also checked the playroom but didn’t look in the closet because she heard a noise and thought it was a kidnapper waiting to also take her. When I felt myself get angry with her for not checking all the closets like I told her I reminded myself that she is only nine.

My hubby had checked the house again and when he called her name in the playroom she answered. He opened the closet door to find her and Happy sitting together. Marigrace had a huge grin on her face and was completely oblivious to the terror caused by her absence.

A Freebie From God.

A reminder to not let her out of our sight for a second. When she’s the only one home with me I don’t let her out of my sight but it’s so easy to think someone else is watching her during our organized chaos.

A policeman showed up minutes after I cancelled my request for assistance. He was very nice and said he wanted to drop by anyway because he has a two year old and knows how easily toddlers get “lost”. I was very apologetic and he was very understanding. He said that they get quite a few of these kinds of calls and usually the child is hiding or fell asleep in an unusual place.

All I can say is THANK GOD MY BABY IS SAFE. I feared that I would never see my sweet Marigrace again and I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

I had some requests for an update on how the Smart Discipline charts are going. So far they are working great for two of my kids but my spirited and strong willed firstborn, Madeline is in need of the Smart Ass Discipline chart. She’s the child who will find her way around any discipline tactic and she usually wins because she can bring me to the point where I just want to throw up my hands and say, “Okay, you win!” Today she decided to pull out her drama queen get out of jail free card.

She had been holding it together quite well and didn’t get her first X on the chart until yesterday. She took it well. She could see on the chart that she could break six more rules before she would lose a privilege. But today when she received two X’s within five minutes I think she realized how quickly she could rack them up over a week.

It all started with her tripping over our puppy. There was a little blood where she skinned her foot which brought on the drama. She cried and carried on. Even after I cleaned up the scrape, applied a band-aid, and had her lie on the couch with her foot elevated since she was claiming to have sprained it. She did make a miraculous recovery when I mentioned that we could not go shopping if her foot was sprained although I think it left her feeling as though she didn’t get enough attention for her injury. So when her dad gave her an X for leaving her laptop on the couch and then another for yelling at him she felt a need to create some more drama. I guess she was still stewing over the fact that I would not let her eat tomato soup at 9:30 am. I told her that she would have to wait until 11 am since soup is for lunch and that she would have to choose another snack. Normally she would have fought me on the issue but refrained since there was an X at stake.

No soup, a fall with injury, and two X’s within five minutes must have sent her over the edge because the next thing I know she has locked herself in her room. My hubby informed me that she had taken it upon herself to put X’s in all the boxes on her chart. I guess that’s her way of saying, “Screw your stupid chart! What are you going to do now?” I took a deep breath and promised myself to not let her wear me down. So go grab some popcorn and get comfy because what unfolded was pretty dramatic.

Me: Madeline, you know the rule is that only mommy or daddy can manage the chart. You have lost all privileges for breaking that rule.

Madeline: I don’t care. I want to lose them.

Me: Good, because you just did.

The old me would have engaged in a conversation about why she did what she did and why she would want to lose all her privileges. I didn’t bite this time. Instead I walked out of the room. I could hear her flipping the door of the puppy’s crate up and down in hopes that I would come back in and yell at her. I refrained. She must have sat in there for a few minutes trying to think of how she could engage me in her battle of the wills because here she came asking if she could make tomato soup.

Me: No, it’s 10:30. I told you that you cannot have soup until 11:00.

Madeline: Connor can have popcorn. Why can’t I have soup?

Me: Because popcorn is a snack and soup is for lunch.

Madeline: It’s not fair!

Fortunately I was on the phone with my sis at the time. She has on many occasions witnessed how Madeline engages me in this song and dance and how easily I get sucked into the fight. She kept reminding me to just ignore Madeline as she whined. After several minutes of being ignored she announced that she was going to make her soup anyway. She heads off to the kitchen and tells her dad that I said she could have soup.

Me: I did not! She can’t have soup until 11:00.

He sends her to her room for a time out just as the book recommends once all privileges are lost. I was in her room at the time putting away laundry.

Madeline: I don’t want to go in there because mommy is in there.

Me: Too bad. I’m ignoring you anyway until you calm down and stop throwing tantrums.

She throws herself on her bed and has a temper tantrum, rolling around on the bed and screaming at me about how I’m ruining her life. Now all the sheets are off her bed so I tell her to remake her bed.

Madeline: I don’t know how!

Me: Yes you do. Remake it or I will take away the sheets and pillows and you will have to sleep without them. The choice is yours.

Now I’m thinking Oh shit! Only give a consequence that I’m willing to follow through on. Am I willing to follow through on this one?

Madeline: I’ll sleep without them. I don’t care!

I guess I better follow through if she’s going to take me seriously. God, this sucks!

She continues to thrash, scream, and plead. I go about my business and try to look as though I’m ignoring her.

Me: Why don’t you go take a bath to help you calm down.

She likes that idea and runs off to my bathroom. A minute later she returns.

Madeline: There is something gross in the tub! Clean it up!

Oh no she didn’t!

Me: You need to ask nicely. I won’t do anything for you if you talk to me like that.

Hubby: What’s in the tub?

Me: Marigrace took a crap during her bath. I forgot to clean it up.
(They don’t call me slackermommy for nothing!)

Madeline: Ewwww! I’m not cleaning it!

Me: I will clean it when you can talk nice to me.

Madeline (in a smart ass voice): Will you please clean it!

I ignore her. She continues to have a tantrum for several minutes before she finally asks nicely.

Me: Okay then. I’m going to finish putting these clothes away then I’ll get the tub ready.

I obviously didn’t move fast enough (which was only like 10 seconds) because she went back into tantrum mode, stomping her feet and throwing her body around.

Madeline: You’re not doing it!

Me: You have got to get control of yourself.

Madeline: Okay , mommy. (Calm voice) Clean the tub. (Whining, still throwing her body around) I want to take a bath now.

Me: You are not in control. We will discuss this when you are calm.

I leave the room. She continues to stomp her feet and yell that she’s calm. I continue to ignore her. I’m doing my best to not give her an audience. Out she comes with her stuffed dog and pajamas.

Madeline: I’m moving out!

She heads for the front door.

Me: No you aren’t. You are not to leave your room until you are calm.

Surprisingly she went back to her room but not without slamming the door. Ten minutes later she comes out and hugs me.

Madeline: I’m sorry mommy. I’m calm now. I made you something.

So typical of her. Now she’s remorseful and hopeful that apologizing will get her privileges back.

Me: I accept your apology but you still have lost all your privileges.

Madeline: I didn’t mean to put all those X’s. Can’t we start over?

Me: No, Madeline. It is not okay for you to disrupt the family in this way and then think you can have all your privileges back by saying you are sorry. I hope next time you will try harder to control your temper.

Madeline: I’ll try. I’m going to go take a shower now.

She emerged from the shower as sweet as can be and finally got her soup at 11:30. The next two hours she was a dream child. I made sure to point out her good behavior and give positive messages to her just as was suggested in the book. She played nice with Isabelle as they made a tent which gave me a chance to reflect on what had happened and what I should do differently. I was better about not giving her tantrum so much attention but I could have ignored her behavior more. I should have not stayed in the room during her timeout. The laundry could have waited. See what happens when I try to be organized? I should have just left the laundry on the couch where it usually is. Suggesting a bath to help her calm down was probably not a good idea either. Especially since I had left a couple turds in it.

Just as I’m enjoying some peace and quiet Madeline shows up to inform me that she accidentally watched a little bit of a movie. What the hell is wrong with this kid?

Me: How do you accidentally watch a movie?

Madeline: It was in my laptop. I was going to listen to music.

Me: Madeline, you know you aren’t to be on your computer. Bring it up to me, now!

Madeline: Can’t I just listen to music?

Me: No! Now you’ve lost that privilege.

She attempts to protest. I give her the hairy eyeball and yell, “Get it now!”

She scurries downstairs. A few minutes later Isabelle appears with the laptop.

Isabelle: Madeline sat on my head! I couldn’t breathe!

Me: She did what?! Madeline, why would you do that?

Madeline: She wouldn’t bring up the computer for me.

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

At this point I just want to throw a tantrum myself. Where did I go wrong with this child? I know this can’t be normal nine year old stuff. My other kids don’t take things as far as she does. Should I take her back to doctor? Or has she gotten so used to pushing my buttons until she gets her way that challenging her causes her to take things to another level in an attempt to get her way? Will holding our ground eventually cause her to behave better? I’m at such a loss and I feel so defeated.

Madeline manages to stay quietly in her room for about five minutes before she starts her crap.

Madeline: I’m hungry! Can’t I eat something?

Me: No. You are staying in there until we leave for church.

Madeline: How long is that?

Me: 45 minutes.

She begs and pleads. Screams and yells.

I ignore her.

Madeline: You are the worst mother! I hate you! You are stupid!

She slams the door. I found her asleep when I checked on her fifteen minutes later. I will have to wake her up for church. This is going to be interesting. I’ll keep you posted. Right now I have to go pluck all the gray hairs I grew today. And clean poop out of the tub.

Yesterday while at a pool party my little red headed spitfire of a baby threw the mother of all tantrums. She was doing great considering we’ve just gotten back from vacation and an erratic sleep schedule. It’s amazing how the smallest thing can set them off. All I did was take away the open water bottle that she was attempting to bring in the pool with her which prompted her hissy fit which caused her to rub her tired eyes which caused her to rub sun block in them. Whoever deemed that lotion tear free obviously has never rubbed it in their eyes.

She proceeds to scream bloody murder as I keep trying to plug her up with her pacifier which would prompt her to throw it and me chase it. After about four times of that I give up and figure this would be a good time to round the kids up and mosey on out. I gather our stuff with Marigrace on my hip and screaming as if I was abusing her. I can feel the other mothers watching as Marigrace completely loses it. I even tried to give her a sip of my soda which of course another mom had to make a remark about which I respond with, “Whatever gets you through your day.” Or in this case, whatever gets you through the minute. What do you expect? I am a slacker mom and a little soda isn’t going to do her harm. I drank Kool-Aid from a bottle at her age and I turned out fine. She didn’t want it anyway. This was one of those times where only milk and her bed would stop her meltdown.

It was my childless girlfriend that actually helped me change Marigrace out of her suit as she had her hissy fit. Isn’t that interesting? All of this was happening in a time span of maybe five minutes but it felt like hours. I put Marigrace on a lounge chair so I can find Isabelle’s flip flops in my bag. Of course they are at the bottom so I have to take everything out to get to them. Meanwhile Marigrace is still screaming and thrashing about when she falls off the chair and I catch her by the leg just before her head hits the concrete.

I’m finally packed and have all kids in tow when the strap on my flip flop breaks. Have you ever tried to walk with a broken flip flop? You can’t. It was nearly 100 degrees so the concrete is scorching hot so I decide one hot foot is better than two burning feet and I walk out with one flip flop on. I must have been quite a sight with a screaming baby on my hip and my lopsided walk caused by the high wedge flip flop.

To top everything off I ended up with a raging sunburn. I was so worried about my little red headed demon getting burned that I neglected my own sunscreen. What’s so ironic about that is I was so diligent about sunscreen on vacation that I actually came back as pale as I left.

So you ask why I am thankful for this tantrum? Because my spirited baby is alive and well. The tantrum passes and my demon turns back into my little slice of Heaven. I can caress her soft skin, smell her yummy hair, and send her into a fit of giggles by kissing her neck.

A near tragedy put this in perspective for me. My hubby’s niece has a six year old son that I will call “J” who is in the final stages of cancer. They also have an adopted baby the same age as Marigrace. I will call her “A”.

J is on a very high dose of Methadone for pain. His dad prepared a dose for him but J fell asleep before his dad could give it to him. He placed the medicine cup on a high dresser behind a picture frame before he left the room. A short time later by the grace of God J woke up to find A drinking his medicine. She had managed to climb up and get the medicine cup. Just goes to show that they are watching when we think they are not.

Poison control was called and they immediately sent out an ambulance. At the hospital her heart rate dropped to ten beats per minute and it was real touch and go if they were going to save her. Her parents of course were beside themselves. I can’t stop thinking about my hubby’s niece with two fists of hair and screaming, “OMG, I’m going to lose both my babies!” Fortunately A is alive and well and went home today. I’m sick at the thought of how tragic this could have been. Their family has been through so much. I’m just so thankful that it had a good outcome.

Stories like this remind me of just how fragile and precious life is until I forget again and then something will happen to remind me again. Life is funny like that.

We have safely returned from our family vacation to Myrtle Beach. The weather was fantastic, our condo was beautiful, and we all had a good time. Of course with four kids in tow the vacation had some minor blips. It also wasn’t quite the sexcation that my hubby was hoping for either. Our oldest can stay up later than us so we had to get creative. We have mastered the art of a quickie in the bathroom, closet, and on the balcony.

My biggest worry was that Madeline would have a panic attack on the plane. I gave her Benadryl 45 minutes before we boarded. She was pretty nervous and sick to her stomach but she’s a strong little girl and bravely boarded the plane. I loaded my iPod with her favorite songs which seemed to mean a lot to her that I took the time to do it. Fortunately we had a smooth flight and although she didn’t fall asleep she remained calm. I was praying for a smooth flight because I figured if she knew we were safe she wouldn’t feel so anxious. I think the anticipation of doing something we fear can be worse than the fear itself. That was definitely true for Madeline. On our connecting flight she sat next to Isabelle because she had decided flying wasn’t so bad after all. I was so proud of her. She has come so far with dealing with her fears and anxiety. Last summer we visited Disney World and she was not only a mess on the plane but would only ride a few of the rides. Even the kiddie rides terrified her if they were the least bit dark, had loud noises or scary characters. This vacation she rode nearly every ride at an amusement park we visited. Some of them she even rode by herself because the rest of us were too chicken.

Kids are amazingly resilient, aren’t they? Just when you think they are doomed to have a problem forever they break out of it. Isabelle was such a shy little girl and in the last two years she has really come out of her shell. Her sensory issues with food making her vomit and her underwear not feeling right have also improved. Not gone but manageable. The best advice I can give any of you who have children younger than mine is to not fret it which I definitely have. I wish someone would have told me that my kid’s shyness, fears, and quirkiness will most likely improve with age or even go away completely. Then they trade their issues in for other issues but I probably shouldn’t tell you that. I don’t think I wanted to hear that back when my oldest two were toddlers. So I have faith that Connor will also break out his shell in the next year or so and if he doesn’t, that’s cool too.

The other blips of the vacation didn’t involve the kids at all. The first upsetting thing was at a waterpark we visited. We were in the wave pool when the lifeguard sounded her whistle as she jumped in the water. It definitely got every one’s attention. She dove under water and surfaced with a small child. I was immediately sick to see her come up with this limp blonde baby. I began to cry as I told my hubby, “My God, it’s a baby!” Every mother’s worst fear. Turns out it was a dummy. Can you believe that shit? I don’t know if it was a sick joke or lifeguard training. Either way it was very disturbing and we had a hard time shaking the image the rest of the day.

The second blip is a post all by itself and I’m exhausted so I’ll save it for tomorrow. It’s good to be home.

Here are some photos. I’m disappointed that I didn’t take as many as I would have liked.

This the only family photo we got

These are for my sis who thinks I’m exaggerating about Marigrace’s red curly hair

This is what you get when you try to get all 4 kids to look at the camera and smile

There certainly is a lot of drama in my life right now. I’ve got my father trying to guilt his way back into my life and a troll who put me in a bad mood. Although my mood has greatly improved with the help of my sister and blogging friends.

My beloved dog, Sonny who is ten is not doing well. He has a cough and is bleeding from the nose. A constant trickle that won’t stop. I’m having all kinds of tests done and so far his doctors have found a mass in his nasal cavity. I’m taking him to a specialist who can determine if it’s a fungal infection or a tumor. I’m just sick about it. Sonny was my first baby. We got him a few months before we were married. During my first pregnancy Sonny would take naps with me on the couch with his head on my belly. He has been the best dog. I am not ready to let him go yet. My family will be crushed. Although Marigrace is only a toddler she will miss him too. She loves curling up next to him and sharing her snacks. If it is a tumor I’m being told that he would respond well to radiation and it would extend his life about another 13 months. So I’m hopeful, praying that it’s a fungal infection which would be easier to treat.

My other drama is with Madeline. We are taking the kids on a vacation and we leave tomorrow. My hubby got a two bedroom condo because he’s hoping for a sexcation. We are flying. Madeline is afraid of flying. We flew last summer and she got a little anxious. Her anxiety and tics have greatly reduced since then so we decided to fly again. She was okay with it until tonight. The excitement of our vacation is stressing her out. She currently has a coughing tic. My hubby didn’t realize it was a tic and made a comment to her about needing medicine. Drawing attention to her tics causes her to tic more. Especially under times of stress. It didn’t help that she saw the weather prediction of storms tomorrow. She flipped out, coughing uncontrollably until she threw up. She panicked, cried that she won’t get on the plane if it storms. It kills me to see her so fearful. I felt so helpless.

I gave her Benadryl and had her lie in my bed with a movie. I asked her questions about the movie to help take her mind off her fear that the plane is going to crash. She continued to cough and puke. Trying to reason with a child who is having a panic attack is not easy. She was a little comforted by squeezing my hand. I suggested that when she has these worries she can squeeze my hand and all her worries will travel to me so I can do the worrying for her. She seemed to like that idea. With the Benadryl kicking in and some deep breathing she coughed less. I acted silly and we laughed a little bit before she finally passed out. Then I went in the bathroom and cried.

It’s so sad to see her have these worries and difficulties at such a young age. Even though I have moments of not coping I firmly believe God only gives you what you can handle. I can handle this. I don’t want to have to handle it but it is what it is. All those years of providing therapy and support to my mother were preparation for this.

We are going to do our best to have a stress free morning since Madeline feeds off our stress. I’m going to give her Benadryl before the flight and pray she doesn’t have a coughing fit panic attack on the plane. I know she will feel so much better about it if the flight is smooth. I’ve noticed that her fear of things is the worst when she’s preparing to do something scary. Once she’s doing it she’s fine. It’s the damn worrying that’s getting to her. She’s done a great job of pushing through her fears. She’s afraid of elevators but will get on them. Last year she was terrified of amusement park rides and this year we can’t keep her off of them. I’m proud of her for trying the things she is afraid of. They are never as scary as she imagines them to be.

Wish us luck. Prayers are appreciated. I won’t be back blogging for a week so I hope you don’t forget me. I’m going to leave you with a funny story rather than all this drama.

This past Wednesday I went to a blogging seminar with Lisa and met all these cool people. We got a little lost on the way which made us a few minutes late. They had already started the seminar when we got there. I made Lisa walk in ahead of me because I’m a chicken. Karma bit me in the ass for it. I had one of those moments that seem to only happen to me. Like the time I wiped out in a quiet auditorium filled with a thousand people but I’ll save that story for another post.

We quietly found a seat next to Rebecca. I decided to turn off my phone because I could see my kids calling me to ask me a dumb question like what kind of chair I was sitting in. Some how I managed to put my phone on speaker as it called my voicemail. I have no idea how it happened. It’s never happened before. I was frantically trying to turn my phone off while my messages were being played for all to hear. I could feel everyone looking at me. I gave a meek “I’m sorry”. The mediator responded with a request for everyone to turn their phones off. Every one seemed to find it funny except for her. Smooth move, huh? It’s so typical of something I would do.

I’m off to bed now. It’s been an exhausting couple of days and I have a much needed vacation waiting for me.

I have a good friend who is going through a difficult time in her marriage. She has been turning to me for advice and comfort so I’ve unleashed my Celestine Prophecy beliefs on her. Do you remember that book? I read it in my early twenties when I was searching for clarity about my difficult relationship with my parents. I didn’t realize what a profound effect the insights chronicled in the Celestine Prophecy had on my life. I could relate to so much of it and had a lot of ah ha! moments while reading it but what I didn’t realize until now is what I learned from the book still plays out in my life.

The Celestine Prophecy is based on an ancient Peruvian manuscript containing 9 insights to help you achieve a fulfilling life. There are two elements of the book that have stuck with me. The first is about our personal energy and how we have all the energy we need but yet we continually try to steal the energy of others. This was an important concept for me to grasp so that I could work on not letting my mother who is an energy kleptomaniac steal my energy.

The second element of importance to me is that everything happens for a reason. These “coincidences” are tests. You can’t learn until you pass the test. If you don’t learn it the first time then you will be tested until you get it. We are where we are in life because of what we believe and what we’ve acted on. We can increase the incidences of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Can you imagine how peaceful our lives would be if we all practiced this?

I don’t want this to become a sermon because I know that not everyone agrees with this philosophy. For me it helped give me a better understanding of God and my relationship with Him which has been a struggle for me since I did not grow up with any solid spiritual beliefs.

I have many examples of how The Celestine Prophecy relates to my life but the one I’ve been thinking about over the last couple of days is the coincidences that led up to the birth of my fourth baby.

It was a difficult time in my marriage and by far my hardest “test”. I’m still learning lessons from it. My oldest daughter had something bad happen to her while in the care of my SIL. It was the first crisis in my marriage and we were failing. My husband and his family handle things differently than I do. They are classic for not picking the “shit off the carpet”. They walk around it, over it, and pretend to not smell it but no one ever stops to clean it up. Well I’m a pooper scooper so you can imagine how we clashed during this crisis.

I put our daughter in therapy which my hubby did not think was necessary. His thinking was that she didn’t need it since she was acting fine. Having her see a therapist resulted in the situation being hotlined which pissed the SIL off. She felt I was blowing things out of proportion rather than it being the best thing for the children involved. It quickly became apparent to me the great lengths my hubby’s family will go to in order to pretend a problem does not exist. It drove me crazy because I’m someone who firmly believes in standing up for what you believe in and dealing with a problem head on is the only way to resolve it. I grew up with parents who wanted me to pretend family problems didn’t exist and I didn’t put up with it from them so I was not about to put up with it from my in-laws.

My hubby was torn. He has a wife who wants answers and a family that wants a cover up. His family is very large and they have perfected the pretense of the perfect family. They all get together and act like they are this big loving family but compete, back stab, and gossip about one another with zealous. Family members were putting pressure on my hubby to sweep the whole incident under the carpet. My hubby was having a hard time dealing with this pressure. It came across to me like he was putting his brothers and sisters before me and our daughter. Their feelings were more important. This had been an ongoing problem in our marriage and was now coming to a head. Many times I felt like his family’s needs were more important than my own. It hurt me terribly. I had parents who treated me like a second class citizen. I wasn’t going to let my husband do it also.

My hubby had always been my rock. He is the most emotionally stable one out of the two of us. I often joke that he must have a magical suitcase where he puts all his feelings. Although his lack of emotional depth gets on my nerves I didn’t realize how much I counted on his emotional stability until I saw it falter. He became depressed and suddenly I was the one trying to hold us both up. I was so angry at him for pushing me and our daughter to “get over” our feelings about the situation that I didn’t have the strength to hold him up.

I lost a great deal of respect for him and felt myself falling out of love. I felt like I was my child’s only advocate and like a mama bear protecting her cub I wanted to run away to a safe place. For the first time I considered divorce. I was so deep in despair over the situation that I couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t know if we could recover. I was terrified that I would never feel passionate love for him again.

My hubby reached a low he probably hadn’t felt since his parents passed away. He was devastated at the thought of losing me. It was his despair over losing me that penetrated my angry heart. We began marriage counseling which helped our marriage in so many ways.

During this crisis my hubby celebrated his fortieth birthday. We hadn’t been intimate in quite a while so we celebrated his birthday with a kidless dinner and passionate make-up sex.

Three weeks later I realize that my period was late. I had been feeling very tired but I thought it was due to my depression with our situation. I didn’t think it could be possible that I was pregnant since the day we had sex did not coincide with when I would have ovulated. After a few more days of no period I picked up a pregnancy test from the grocery store. I peed on the stick and then left it on the bathroom counter while I put away the groceries. I really didn’t think I could possibly be pregnant. The dates just didn’t add up but I had been pregnant four times already so I know very well what pregnant feels like. I checked on the test and sure enough there was a faint pink line. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I held it in different lights and at different angles. It had to be wrong. Part of me was amazed that I had no clue this miracle had happened. With all my pregnancies except the first I practically knew the minute I became pregnant. I tracked my fertility signs, used ovulation predictors and took pregnancy tests every day until they turned positive. The other part of me was devastated. I did not want another baby. My pregnancies weren’t easy and I didn’t know if my at risk marriage could survive another pregnancy. I felt terribly guilty that I had friends and family who could not get pregnant and here I was growing a baby I did not want. I was also embarrassed to tell people who knew we were having marriage difficulties.

My hubby was thrilled. He could see this baby for the blessing it was. I eventually came to see what a blessing it was also but not without a few “coincidences”. Around 8 weeks I had period- like bleeding. I’ve had a miscarriage so I knew this kind of bleeding is usually an ominous sign. I had such conflicted emotions. I didn’t want to lose the baby that I thought I didn’t want.

I went to my OB’s office and my doctor did the ultrasound rather than the sonographer. Based on my previous miscarriage and my heavy bleeding they expected that I was miscarrying. Those few moments of my doctor searching for a heart beat seemed like hours. I was so relieved when he turned the screen towards me and showed me the heart beat. He reassured me that heavy bleeding can happen and not always mean an impending miscarriage. I was sent home to rest until the bleeding stopped which it did. Then two weeks later while at a school function and in a white skirt I bled again. This time it was bright red and very heavy.

I had a conversation with God on my way to the doctor’s office. I knew he was testing me. I told him that I get his message and thanked him for my blessing. SO PLEASE LET ME KEEP MY BABY!

I did.

I didn’t see one drop of blood for the rest of the pregnancy. I’ll never forget the nurse pointing to the screen and saying, “There’s your little puppet.” Tears of relief and joy rolled down my face as I watched my “little puppet” dance around. So why all the bleeding? Turns out a blood clot was renting space in my uterus.

My point to all of this is that I believe my fourth baby was meant to be. A divine intervention. She healed our marriage. She reminded us of how much we love each other and she was a product of that love. We named her Marigrace because she was the grace that followed a difficult time.

If you are still reading this long winded post, I thank you. I promise I’m almost finished.

Marigrace was not the only blessing that came during that bleak time. I also learned many lessons. I learned that I’m my children’s best advocate and to trust that funny gut feeling that something isn’t right. I learned to stop seeking approval from my hubby’s family because no matter how hard I try they will always find something to pick at. My hubby learned that pushing me to have a closer relationship with his family than I was comfortable with was detrimental to our marriage. Getting sucked into the big family thing was depleting my energy. Now my marriage is stronger than ever and I have this feisty red headed baby who has been such a blessing to my family. I think I passed this “test”.

What is it with me and drama? I must have a neon light flashing I’M A PUSHOVER on my back. I had the purse drama last weekend and this weekend it was clueless workers destroying my house drama.

I’m having my shower replaced in the master bath plus some exterior work on the house. The shower is coming along with few glitches but what is being done on the outside has turned into a nightmare. There is a gal who does a lot of work in our subdivision. She cleans, paints, and does yard work. She has always done a nice job so when she came to me and asked me to do her a favor and hire her son because he needed money to keep from being evicted I said yes without hesitation. That was mistake number one. He did a terrible job painting our front door and had to redo it twice before his mom came to his rescue and repainted it. It looks like shit from being scraped twice and there’s paint on the porch and brick. By this time we had paid the guy for 90% of the job and he only did 25% because he played on our heart strings about how down and out he is. Turns out he didn’t use some of what we paid him to buy the mulch we needed. He spent it and then didn’t have money to buy mulch and we weren’t about to give him anymore money. His mom took him off the job and bought the mulch that we paid her son to buy. She promised to make all his mistakes right. Mistake number two. We should have cut our losses then and let her go. Instead all her trying to make things “right” has snowballed into everything being wrong. We are left with a ruined front porch because they used muriatic acid to get the paint off the concrete floor of the porch. Now it is stained and we will need to have it painted or refinished to cover the staining. The boards around our garage still need to be replaced and we are not sure about how we are going to fix the siding that came off in jagged hunks when they removed the old boards. They also busted a sprinkler head and burned a hole in a chair cushion. There is so much more but I don’t have the energy to write it all.

My husband decided it was time to cut our losses and fire them and now we have to find someone to come fix this mess. This woman was terribly upset and cried because she’s never been fired from a job before. It really sucked because I really like her and hate to see her hurt. The lesson I’ve learned? To only hire professionals to paint or do carpentry.

Other drama I had was dealing with Madeline at her dance recital this weekend. She’s been off her ADHD medication for about two weeks and this weekend was proof more than ever that this child needs this medication. I got a taste of the Madeline that we were dealing with prior to starting the meds and quite honestly I can’t deal. She was hyper, impulsive, would not listen to me, and was argumentative. She would talk loud and was attention seeking. Also her tics had come back that day with a vengeance. It felt like all I was doing was telling her to not do this and not do that because so much of her behavior is socially unacceptable. I got so frustrated with her that I was mean. I told her that I can’t stand when she acts this way and that she is taking her pills whether she likes it or not. I feel bad. I hate when I lose my cool like that.

It was a long day. We were there from 9:30am until 10pm on Saturday and noon until ten on Sunday. She performed eleven times on Saturday. It was a lot and we were both crabby. Her MoJo was off and during her favorite dance number she fell during a flipover with her partner. They had nailed this move every time before now. I stopped feeling nervous about it because they seem to have it down. It was the last straw for Madeline. She’s a perfectionist like her mother and I knew it would rock her world. She came off the stage and tried to hide her embarrassment by being flippant and stating she meant to mess up. I guess in a nine year old’s mind that makes sense. As soon as she saw me she cried and I wanted to cry too. It took everything I had to not fall apart with her. She claimed to not feel well. She often claims to have a sore throat and a stomach ache whenever she’s not feeling “right”. It took me awhile to figure out that her inability to cope manifests in physical symptoms.

I apologized for being short with her earlier and told her that I understand why she’s not feeling good on the inside. When she has days like this it seems to me that she has an “itch” or icky feeling inside and moving a lot, talking loud, and her tics are a way for her to cope or hide what she’s feeling inside. It reminds me of my nephew who refused to poop on the toilet for awhile. He would hold his bowels and to deal with the uncomfortable feeling he would move around a lot and appear hyper. Unfortunately for Madeline this behavior can be annoying to adults and to me in particular.

We left the theater for an hour to get some fresh air and a change of scenery. I filled her up with water and food. We drove around and danced in the car to her favorite music. By the time we got back she felt better and mentally was ready to perform again. She did great until it was time for the dance number that she previously fell during. I knew she had psyched herself out when she told me that she hated this dance. I sent her on stage knowing she had already convinced herself she would fall again and sure enough she did. As she tumbled to the floor my heart broke in a million pieces. I knew she would have a hard time shaking it. She came off stage announcing that she laughed when she fell in an attempt to cover up her embarrassment. I reassured her that no one was laughing at her and that we were all relieved that she didn’t hurt herself. I reminded her that these things happen and ran down the list of things that went wrong in other numbers. There were other girls who fell or lost a shoe. One poor girl’s strap broke on her top while on stage. It happens. I told her I was proud of how she got up and continued dancing without missing a beat. She’s been dancing for 7 years and this was the first time she ever fell on stage. I told her that all dancers have a fall or embarrassing stage moment to tell. This seemed to make her feel better.

We had a good talk on the ride home about resuming her medication. She agreed to take it at night with food in hopes that she would sleep through any tummy discomfort. She has slept like a rock on the floor next to my bed for two nights so I’m hopeful that I can keep her on the medication. I have to admit that I like the medicated Madeline so much better than the non-medicated one. We get along better, less arguments, and I truly enjoy hanging out with her. What makes me the saddest about Madeline’s issues is that if I have moments that I don’t like her then there must be other adults that don’t like her either. In fact there is one mom that both Madeline and I can feel she does not like her. Her daughter is the exact opposite of Madeline and I don’t think she understands Madeline because her daughter’s issues are so different from Madeline’s. I’m realizing that I need to stay away from moms that can’t deal or understand what’s going on with Madeline. I hate feeling that she thinks Madeline behaves the way she does because I’m a bad mom. Madeline also picks up on it and her behavior worsens when she’s around people that make her feel unaccepted. I have enough doubts and uncertainties with raising a child with neurobehavioral issues that I don’t need another mom adding to it. It really sucks for me to feel embarrassed of Madeline’s behavior or to always be second guessing my parenting skills. I never thought I would feel this way. I try really hard to accept my kids for who they are and to nurture what they want to be. It’s all those damn other moms who are so quick to judge my situation when all isn’t perfect in their backyard either. I’m lucky to have several friends who look for the wonderful qualities of Madeline rather than the annoying ones. And I’m lucky to have her, Tourette’s, OCD, ADHD and all. She is full of so much love and has a heart of gold. She is very compassionate and caring. These are traits that only those that she feels accepted by get to see. She also heals me. I grew up in a family that did not hug or kiss. I don’t even remember ever hearing “I love you” from my parents. I do my best to shower my kids with hugs, kisses and I love you’s but I’m sure I could do it more often. Madeline helps remind me to show my love for them because she’s always hugging and kissing me. She’s also super generous with I love you’s. She does my heart good and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world. I just hope I don’t mess her up too bad. She’s my firstborn and I’m still trying to figure out this parenting gig.

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