• Store Ads

  BlogHer Ad Network

  More from BlogHer

  Advertise here

  BlogHer Privacy Policy

• Returns

  • They were supposed to be free!
  • $1300 spent on BlogHer and all I got was this shirt
  • BlogHer08: The good and the bad
  • Magic Marker Monday
  • I have 5 minutes to share with you

• Backorders

  Select Month July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 November 2006 October 2006 September 2006 August 2006

• Awards

  

  

  

  

  

• Information

  

  

  

  

  

Seriously. For $15.95 you can purchase the ultimate Hell getaway package which includes:

• Demonic issued certificate of reservation, officially registered in Satan’s Log™ and prepared on flame-proof material.
• A one way, free-fall ticket to Hell. What better way to get there then a non-stop, direct drop?
• The Official Hell Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.
• Hell 101 mini informational guide, outlining things you need to know to survive the nightmare.
• All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Frozen Wasteland, the Lake of Fire and the Bridge of Dead, where all the hotties get together and kick it.

Reserveaspotinhell.com asks what sounds better, singing songs and reading books in Heaven or taking shots with strippers in Hell?

The site boasts that Less than 0.000001% of our reservation holders have had problems getting themselves or someone else  into Hell.

Fiery damnation not your thing? Then reserve a spot in Heaven. What sounds better to you, eternal happiness or endless damnation? They even offer a 100% money back guarantee.

Seem a bit blasphemous? Just a bit. I was a little uncomfortable when I first happened upon the sites but then I saw the humor and how these “kits” would make a great gag gift. What does bother me is that they are actually charging for these kits. I think I would feel better about poking fun at Heaven and Hell if the proceeds were going to charity.

Maybe I’m just jealous that I didn’t think of it.

Nah, I don’t think I could sleep at night knowing I was playing God. I wouldn’t want to tick Him off and the worry of people at church finding out what I was selling would not be worth it.

Just goes to show you can sell just about anything with the right marketing. Maybe these  are the same guys who came up with the Pet Rock.

What do you think of this?

I have had an outrageous jump in hits the last two days. I thought it was due to the giveaway I’m hosting but upon checking my stats I come to find that 600 hits were from searches for “tiddy bear”.

I wrote a post about the Tiddy Bear last April and posted a link to where it can be purchased. That link no longer works and there is quite a bit of chatter over the internet if the Tiddy Bear is an actual product or a commercial spoof.

One of my commenters let me know that Ellen DeGeneres attempted to order one on her show yesterday. I don’t know if she was successful or not but I did find a site that sells them. I will call them tomorrow to see if this thing is legit or not.

If only I could get this many hits for this YouTube video of my toddler’s impressive dance skills. Maybe then Ellen would put the video on her show. I know I’m biased but I think it’s much cuter than some of the kid videos she’s shown lately.

Remember the Friends episode where Ross gets a spray tan? He had a little trouble with turning around in time for his back to get sprayed and ended up with a comedy of errors. He was instructed to count to five and then turn around. Rather than counting 1…2…3…4…5, he counted one Mississippi, two Mississippi… just watch the clips. It’s hysterical. I’ve posted the five minute (first) and two minute versions (second).

I recently had my first Mystic Tan and fortunately it turned out way better for me than for Ross. I made a joke about this episode to the girl that gave me instructions on how to use the spray tan booth. She didn’t find it funny. She was probably still in diapers when Friends was popular. She gave me statistics about how they had someone get sprayed a gazillion times and they did not end up ridiculously orange. I still wasn’t completely convinced that it’s impossible to end up as orange as an Oompa Loompa.

I followed all the instructions to a T. I lubed my body with lotion and my hands and feet with the barrier cream. I spent ten minutes getting my body ready for something that would last forty seconds. Kind of like foreplay.

I noticed on the instructional signs that I should use nose plugs but they were nowhere to be found in the room. I thought no big deal. Who is going to be looking in my nose anyway? My kids would actually get a kick out of mommy having orange boogers. I stepped into the booth, got into position and pushed the button. The cold spray was shocking at first. What I didn’t expect was my inability to hold my breath when the spray hit my face. I felt like a fish out of water gasping for air. Oh great! Now I’ve got tan lungs. By the third time it sprayed my face I feared that I was going to hyperventilate. Fortunately it was time to turn around. I was able to calm myself down from a near panic attack as my back was sprayed. I got out quickly before I inhaled anymore fumes.

I rubbed myself dry with the towel just as I was instructed and was off on my merrily little way to wait for my tan to appear. It did a few hours later and I was quite pleased. No streaks and it was the perfect amount of color. I smelled a little funny the first two days but I think it was more noticeable to me than anyone else. I would love to do it again since it’s much easier and more uniform than when I spray myself. My fear is that breathing that crap cannot be good. The whole reason I’m opting for spray tanning is because UV rays are known to cause cancer. Spray tanning won’t cause skin cancer but what about lung cancer?

I want to know your experiences with the Mystic Tan. Did you have trouble holding your breath? Would the nose plugs have helped? Is breathing the spray dangerous?

If I do give it another try I think I’m going to cover my face and use a facial tanning cream. I don’t want to die for tan skin. It’s bad enough I have to worry about what’s in my shampoo and beauty products.

I am in serious need of comic relief from all the death and dying that surrounds me so send me your funny stuff. I need a break from all my heavy thoughts.

Here are a few things I’d like to share.

Remember my video queen friend Vickie? This girl has some serious dance moves so she made a shout out dance video for JackEbrown. I was quite impressed so I split screened both videos into one. Take a look. It’s hysterical. At times they look like they are doing the bump.

The Bodygroom Man always cracks me up. I think I’ve dated this guy. Actually my sister used to date a guy who shaved his balls. He claimed it made his penis look bigger. My sis just thought it was weird. I wish the Bodygroom Man would drop that white robe. I’d like to check the goods out myself.

My last piece of funny is an Ebay parody. Could someone enlighten me onto why the one kid keeps washing his hands?

Rock on, people.

I feel so compelled to thank all my blogging friends for their emails and comments of support in regards to my last post. You really know how to lift a girl when she’s feeling down. My friendship and sense of community that I have formed with you has been such an unexpected surprise from blogging. I have put myself out there; heart and soul and you have embraced me warmly. Thank you.

I’m also sending out a shout out to my good friend Vicki. We met several years ago when our daughters began dancing together but we didn’t get close until this past year. Now I’m having a girl crush on her because I love spending time with her and can’t wait to see her next. She has to be one of the funniest women I have ever met. She helps me embrace my inner child with her goofiness. We are so immature together that we embarrass our girls. What’s more fun than embarrassing your children? I laugh so much with her that my face and stomach muscles ache. Do you have a friend like that? You should. It’ll keep you young.

I wrote out two examples of our immaturity and goofiness but it didn’t read as funny as it was. They were those had-to-be-there kind of moments. Basically they had to do with me holding up a bottle of massage lotion that relieves PMS while shopping at a bath and body store. I called out to Vicki across the store that I found a massage lotion to help her PMS. The look on a girl standing in the checkout line was priceless! Later while sitting in my car Vicki caught me telling and itsy bitsy teeny weeny lie to a friend’s answering service. Her laughing caused me to start laughing so I pretended to cough and hung up the phone. I laughed so hard that I farted which sent us into the kind of laughing where you feel you can’t breathe. Then we nearly peed our pants from laughing so hard. See? You had to be there.

Vicki is an up and coming YouTube celebrity. Here is a video of her that cracks me up. I love her facial expressions. Thank you Vicki for being such a great friend.

My friend Terri from Steel Magnolias sent me an email to check out the zoo porn video that Dorky Dad posted on his blog. Of course I zipped right over to get me some more animal porn. Turns out that Dorky Dad was at the EXACT same zoo at the EXACT same time and saw the EXACT same turtle porn that we saw. We were on the other side of the fence from where he was but what a freaky coincidence. When I’m out in public I tend to look around at people and wonder if any of them are a blogger. It’s too funny to think that I was standing so close to a blogger that I read.

Here’s the video he captured because I know you all want to see it. Don’t pretend you don’t because all you have to do is click the “play” button and no one will ever know you did. What would have been really funny is if he had panned to the right a bit for a view of me intently watching animal porn.

Make sure you visit Dorky Dad and read his zoo porn post. I was cracking up at his version of his wife’s explanation of what the turtles were doing. I told my kids that the turtle on top was mad at the other turtle and that’s why it was on top and making angry sounds. My sister was disappointed at my response and that I missed an opportunity to educate my nine year old. She reminded me that we got our sex education from a cousin before we were nine. Good thing my sis wasn’t with us because I can see her explaining that the male turtle was putting his penis in the female’s vagina to make a baby. Then my oldest would ask if her mom and dad do that. My sister would respond yes, that’s how they made you and Madeline would cry ewwwwwwwww! Note to self to not take my sister with us to the zoo.

Have you seen the video Remember Me yet? Fifteen year old Lizzy Palmer put this amazing video together to remind us to support our troops. Whether or not you agree with the war we need to remember that there are men and women who put their life on the line today in hope of a peaceful tomorrow. They do this for us and we owe them some gratitude. Thank you Lizzy for this beautiful and touching reminder. Click here to see the video.

Need a laugh after that? I did. My sister has turned me onto the Best Of Craigslist. The humor and sarcasm of people never ceases to amaze me. Here is one of a found dog that’s too funny to not share. Make sure you scroll down to see the photos.

I had a crazy busy weekend with Madeline’s dance competition, baseball games, and birthday parties. It didn’t help that hubby seemed to be having his man period. I’m guessing he got mad at me for yelling at him on the phone while he was picking up pizza from a local pizza parlor. He doesn’t communicate well and it was a stupid miscommunication. As usual he chose the passive-aggressive approach and was aloof towards me for the next two days. Thankfully his man periods don’t last long and he was back to following me around like a dog in heat by Sunday. Even though his groping can get on my nerves I do miss his groping when he’s on his man period but don’t tell him that. They certainly are wired differently than we are. Sex must be on their brains ALL the time. Will the guys that read me enlighten me on this subject. And what’s with thinking that all our issues can be fixed with sex? If I tell hubby I don’t feel well he replies “I got something that will make you feel better” or if I’m stressed I get “You need sex.” Sex may be his fix-all for everything but I just don’t work that way. In fact sex can sometimes stress me out because it’s another thing to do on my things to do list. Also, why do guys think we want to see their penis all the time? Are they hoping that by them flashing us that we’ll suddenly get the urge? That may work for them but I need a little more than a flash of a flaccid penis to get me hot and bothered. Do you remember the SNL skit of the dick in the box? Only a man would think a women would want his dick in a box for a gift. Here’s the video. Thank you Sara for reminding me of this one.

Here’s my all time favorite SNL skit with Alec Baldwin. It’s the one about Shweddy Balls. I don’t know how they kept from laughing on this one because no matter how many times I watch it I laugh just as hard. You know what’s sad though? I actually used to wear those gawdy Christmas sweaters that they are wearing in the skit.

In other news, Madeline’s team did well at dance competition. They took first place in tap, jazz, and lyrical. Second place for super group production and ballet. Here are some photos because I don’t think I’ve bored you enough with the one’s I’ve posted over the last two weeks.

Lastly, I have a warning about Fiber One bars. They are the best tasting granola bar that I’ve ever had but they’ll give you a severe case of toxic butt syndrome. On the flip side they make a great excuse to get out of nookie with the hubby. I don’t need to use the I-have-a-headache excuse. All I have to say is, “Sorry honey, not tonight, I ate a Fiber One bar” and my hubby goes running.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? I was sent some advertisements from way back when advertising Lysol for personal hygiene. Did women actually douche with Lysol?! And I thought grandma smelled like Lysol because she cleaned all day. Damn ladies you might as well have gotten out the wire brush in your quest for cleanliness. I’ve read that they also used Lysol for birth control. Supposedly it kills sperm. I feel sorry for the babies conceived with the Lysol coated sperm because they can’t be right. The most disturbing thing about these ads is that marital problems may be caused by the wife’s lack of intimate daintiness. What about dear hubby’s sweaty balls? Maybe wifey would have done a better job of keeping her intimate daintiness if he had Lysol swabbed his balls and groin creases. All I can say is thank God I did not live in the fifties. Sadly I have a few friends who are very much a 1950’s wife. Don’t even get me started on that.

I thought this was an appropriate photo for my potty talk post. Those would be my kids plus a friend.

Go here for an update on this post and where to buy link

Does the shoulder strap of your car cut into your shoulder? Is it too tight and annoying? I’ve been having these issues since I got my new set of boobies. Thank goodness there are people who spend their time coming up with products to make our lives more comfortable. One of those people has invented the Tiddy Bear. When I first saw the commercial I figured it had to be a joke but you can buy the cute little guy here. I’m curious to know if they sell. I would consider buying one for my baby but I’m not so sure I want the furry little thing hanging out on my titties all the time. It’s bad enough that I’m constantly smacking hubby’s hands away. Watch the video and let me know what you think. Is Tiddy Bear the answer to annoying shoulder belts?

The old man with man boobs cracks me up!

Next Page →

• My Other Blog

  

• I also blog at

  

  

  www.flickr.com
  

  This is a Flickr badge showing items in a set called blogher08. Make your own badge here.

• Don't mess with me

  

  

  

  

  

  

• Shop

  

  
• Subscribe to Slacker-Moms-R-Us

  

• 
  

Just don't steal



This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.