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Seriously. For $15.95 you can purchase the ultimate Hell getaway package which includes:

• Demonic issued certificate of reservation, officially registered in Satan’s Log™ and prepared on flame-proof material.
• A one way, free-fall ticket to Hell. What better way to get there then a non-stop, direct drop?
• The Official Hell Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.
• Hell 101 mini informational guide, outlining things you need to know to survive the nightmare.
• All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Frozen Wasteland, the Lake of Fire and the Bridge of Dead, where all the hotties get together and kick it.

Reserveaspotinhell.com asks what sounds better, singing songs and reading books in Heaven or taking shots with strippers in Hell?

The site boasts that Less than 0.000001% of our reservation holders have had problems getting themselves or someone else  into Hell.

Fiery damnation not your thing? Then reserve a spot in Heaven. What sounds better to you, eternal happiness or endless damnation? They even offer a 100% money back guarantee.

Seem a bit blasphemous? Just a bit. I was a little uncomfortable when I first happened upon the sites but then I saw the humor and how these “kits” would make a great gag gift. What does bother me is that they are actually charging for these kits. I think I would feel better about poking fun at Heaven and Hell if the proceeds were going to charity.

Maybe I’m just jealous that I didn’t think of it.

Nah, I don’t think I could sleep at night knowing I was playing God. I wouldn’t want to tick Him off and the worry of people at church finding out what I was selling would not be worth it.

Just goes to show you can sell just about anything with the right marketing. Maybe these  are the same guys who came up with the Pet Rock.

What do you think of this?

WARNING
*This post is rated R for language and sexuality*

Mamma Loves (who I so absolutely adore) is having a contest for the most entertaining story as to how she broke her ankle. It seems she has a thing with broken lower extremities.

When I met her last summer at BlogHer she was traipsing around in an incredible pair of red-come-fuck-me-pumps on what turned out to be a broken foot. This woman has stamina, I tell ya! If I remember correctly she broke her foot by walking off a curb. She may have very well broken her ankle in a similar boring accident but her contest calls for an entertaining story so here is mine:

Mamma had a Where in the World is Mamma Contest last week and wants us to believe she was on vacation at some fab tropical resort but the truth is she was taking an intensive striptease and pole dancing seminar.

Mamma has been feeling like she’s neglecting the hubs by not ironing his shirts and watching too much reality tv. She claims to be a tomboy but she could no longer deny her inner sex goddess.

After her week long course she felt quite confident that she could give the hubs the striptease dance of his life. She rented a portable pole for the bedroom, lit candles, and scattered a rose petal path for the hubs to find her when he returned from work. Of course she sent the boys to a neighbor’s house.

The mood was set and she was well rehearsed. She put on her favorite Frederick’s of Hollywood corset, garter, and the infamous red pumps.

Mamma shows off the new pose she learned in
Bootylicious Stripper Poses 101

With The Pussycat Dolls “Buttons” in the CD player and the hubs at her mercy, Mamma did her thing. And she was quite impressed with herself. She remembered the pole dancing tips that she got during the strip club field trip and mastered the pole like a pro.

Mamma performed the bone crusher and the James Brown lap dance moves that she learned in her Advanced Lap Dance class. The hubs could barely contain his excitement so she serviced him with the techniques guaranteed to make your man smile that were highlighted in Blowjob Class.

Just as things were coming to an end (pun intended) the bedroom door flew open and there stood Mr. 5. He had returned from the neighbor’s house to get his old beloved flip flops. Why he became nostalgic over mismatched flip flops he wore several years ago is still a mystery.

Anyway, back to the story. Mamma didn’t want to be seen in such a compromising position so she did a super hero jump into the closet and twisted her ankle upon landing in her red CFM pumps.

And that my friends is how Mamma Loves broke her ankle.

The hubs says it was completely worth it.

Side note:
Mr. 5 was completely oblivious to what was going on and was very impressed with his mom’s super hero closet jump and attempts to recreate the same height and speed several times per day.

Visit this post to see Mamma’s se-xy bruises (Mamma’s very words) and to find out more about participating.

Go ahead, click on this link of what I found on Craigslist.

I can always find something to make me laugh or shake my head in disbelief on The Best Of Craigslist.

***********************************

I think I’m finally going to make the move to Wordpress. Some of my friends have done it and I’m starting to feel uncool. So if my blog gets wacky like I’m blogging on crack then you’ll know why. Got any tips?By the way, YOU GUYS ROCK! I have raised $75 so far in my Chip In for Reign (you may need to clear your cache for it to update) and I know some have sent a check to the shelter. Seeing Reign get his surgery and possibly a new home actually seems possible.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “when I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. If your going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Thank you my friends for all the great advice, stories, and book suggestions on my last post. I ordered every book that was recommended in preparation of “the talk”. I received Dr. Ruth’s book today and I’m practicing reading it without giggling. It’s actually a very well done book on the subject and much less graphic than this German book about where babies come from.

I’m going to be so relieved once I unveil the secret of sex to my kids. I never imagined I would be the kind of mom that got weirded out about talking sex with my kids. I’ve had no problem using anatomical correct words for their genitals or telling them how babies are born. They know about periods and how their bodies will change with puberty. I just got hung up on the whole penis in vagina thing. I’ve learned my lesson though. I’m going to talk to Marigrace about sex much sooner than my older three so I won’t feel as embarrassed and awkward as I do now.

Wish me luck! I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

The birds and the bees talk is lurking right around the corner at the slacker household. My two oldest daughters Madeline and Isabelle are nine and seven. I’m not at all ready to have “the talk” with my seven year old but I have a feeling that once Madeline knows the secret of sex she’s going to tell Isabelle. I was six when my cousin told me what sex was all about and I immediately sought out my sis whose 13 months younger to give her the shocking info.

I’ve been doing a pretty good job of dodging their questions. I know, I’m a chicken. About six months ago Madeline asked me what sex was.

Me: Well, your sex means you are either a girl or a boy.

She did not look satisfied with that answer so I asked her what she thought it meant.

Madeline: It’s when a mommy and daddy kiss naked.

Me: Exactly! See, you already know.

Thankfully she was satisfied with that and we moved on to another topic that didn’t make me sweat buckets.

Whew!

Then a couple weeks ago hubby had bath duty so he was in our master bath with all four of our kids. Just as I was walking through our bedroom on my way into the master bath I hear Isabelle tell her daddy that the neighbor girl told her that you have to have sex to make a baby.

Isabelle: Is that true?

Daddy: I don’t know. Ask mommy.

Oh no he di’int! I turned myself right around and was nearly outside to hide when Madeline caught up with me.

Madeline: Do you have to have sex to make a baby?

Me (as nonchalantly I could muster): Of course! You have to love your husband to make a baby.

Madeline: So you and daddy did that?

Me: Yes. That’s how we made you.

Madeline: Gross!

And off she went in complete disgust.

Yes, another golden opportunity to have “the talk” that I wiggled out of.

Madeline is getting the gist of what sex is except for the actual technical details of the whole penis in the vagina thing. She’s also starting to pick up on flirtatious talk between hubby and me.

We do this sexual banter and up until now we could do it and the kids were clueless. For example, we would call each others cell phones even though we were in the same car together. The kids would be in back watching a movie and we would have a sexy phone conversation. At the time we had three kids under three and a half so we weren’t having a whole lot of sex so these playful conversations were the next best thing.

This past Sunday we engaged in playful sexual banter while fixing dinner. I had marinated a flank steak for him to grill but it needed the rub put on before he could put it on the grill. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: You need to rub your meat first.

Hubby: I need to rub my meat?

Me: Yes, you need to rub both sides.

Hubby: I like it better when you rub my meat.

Me: I know, honey but sometimes you have to rub your own meat.

Hubby: We could rub my meat together.

Me: I’m really not in the mood to rub your meat.

Hubby: Can you show me how to rub it?

Me: All you have to do is rub both sides. Make sure you rub it real good because I only eat meat that tastes good.

Hubby: Oh, so you are going to make it hard for me.

Me: Yes, I prefer it that way.

We are now starting to giggle and Madeline who seemed to be lost into the computer pipes up and says, “Okay, that just sounds gross!”

Oops.

Can any of you recommend a book about the birds and bees? I need all the help I can get.

I mentioned a week ago that I had boudior photos taken for my hubby for our tenth wedding anniversary and now I want to share the experience with you. It was too fantastic to not talk talk about it.

After serving it’s purpose and giving me four healthy babies I opted to have my lovely heart shaped uterus removed last December. It was no longer needed and the discomfort it was causing me was not worth keeping it around. While on the operating table I had the docs fix up my tummy and pump up my boobs. The results are quite nice and I feel pretty good about how I look so I not only did the photos for my hubby but also myself.

I was nervous about it though and nearly chickened out. I’m really hard on myself and usually hate how I look in photos. Lisa, the photographer I chose is quite gifted and not only did she make me feel good she made me look good.

I spent quite a bit of time looking for a photographer. I nearly gave up. The sample photos that I looked at seemed so cheesy and sleazy. I wanted to look sexy but in an artistic way rather than looking like I was posing for Fredericks of Hollywood. Don’t get me wrong, I love Fredericks. I have several pieces of their lingerie (I have a lingerie and pajama fetish) but that wasn’t the look I was going for. I didn’t want to look back at these photos ten or twenty years from now and feel embarrassed.

I found Nordmann Photography and for the first time the thought of bringing my idea to fruition seemed like a good idea. I viewed her gallery of photos and one of the groupings was of a curvy woman. I figured she probably had cellulite but there wasn’t a trace of it in the photos. She was flawlessly beautiful. I’m a curvy woman which means in addition to my big boobs and hips I also have a big booty and thighs. I didn’t want my cellulite and stretch marks magnified in the photos. Lisa assured me that with the right poses, lighting, and photoshop she could hide my imperfections.

I met Lisa at her studio on the day of the shoot. I joked about walking down the street with my stripper clothes and I think my ability to poke fun at myself helped us to feel more comfortable.

A little FYI if you ever have boudoir photos taken; don’t bring your lingerie in a clear hanging bag or at the last minute stuff your stilettos in a too small purse. Parking was limited that day and I had to walk past several business establishments to reach her studio. Uh yeah, that was a little embarrassing.

Lisa spent two hours photographing me. The first few minutes were awkward as I posed in my nightie in front of a stranger but Lisa quickly made me feel at ease. The conversation flowed easily and we could have probably talked all day. It wasn’t hard to feel sexy with Lisa calling me beautiful and with her obvious excitement about loving what she does. For some photos she directed a fan at me so my hair would blow. It’s amazing how a fan and blowing hair can make you feel like a supermodel.

I viewed the photos a week later on a huge screen at her shop. It was a bit weird at first to see myself larger than life on a huge screen. I’m not crazy about seeing photos of myself because I’m so much hotter in my mind. Talk about a slap of reality. But these were beautiful. So much better than I expected. I went into the viewing thinking that it would be hard to pick ten that I liked. Instead, out of 96 photos I had a hard time cutting it down to thirty. It’s amazing what the right pose and lighting can do. The photos I chose are being put into a small magazine album that my hubby can keep in his desk or briefcase. I also got him a 5×7 headshot for his desk.

I think every women who feels comfortable should have boudoir photos taken. Don’t let your weight, cellulite, or stretch marks stop you. All your best attributes will be bought out in the hands of a gifted and seasoned photographer. You don’t even have to do it for your husband. Do it for yourself. You’re worth it!

Here is the untouched top half of one of my photos. I want to have some control over who sees it so if you want to see the rest I have it password protected. Email me at slackermomof4 at yahoo dot com for the password. If I don’t know you or you don’t have a blog so I can check you out then don’t expect to get the password. Don’t be shy, my friends. It’s a very tasteful and artistic photograph.

I had a crazy busy weekend with Madeline’s dance competition, baseball games, and birthday parties. It didn’t help that hubby seemed to be having his man period. I’m guessing he got mad at me for yelling at him on the phone while he was picking up pizza from a local pizza parlor. He doesn’t communicate well and it was a stupid miscommunication. As usual he chose the passive-aggressive approach and was aloof towards me for the next two days. Thankfully his man periods don’t last long and he was back to following me around like a dog in heat by Sunday. Even though his groping can get on my nerves I do miss his groping when he’s on his man period but don’t tell him that. They certainly are wired differently than we are. Sex must be on their brains ALL the time. Will the guys that read me enlighten me on this subject. And what’s with thinking that all our issues can be fixed with sex? If I tell hubby I don’t feel well he replies “I got something that will make you feel better” or if I’m stressed I get “You need sex.” Sex may be his fix-all for everything but I just don’t work that way. In fact sex can sometimes stress me out because it’s another thing to do on my things to do list. Also, why do guys think we want to see their penis all the time? Are they hoping that by them flashing us that we’ll suddenly get the urge? That may work for them but I need a little more than a flash of a flaccid penis to get me hot and bothered. Do you remember the SNL skit of the dick in the box? Only a man would think a women would want his dick in a box for a gift. Here’s the video. Thank you Sara for reminding me of this one.

Here’s my all time favorite SNL skit with Alec Baldwin. It’s the one about Shweddy Balls. I don’t know how they kept from laughing on this one because no matter how many times I watch it I laugh just as hard. You know what’s sad though? I actually used to wear those gawdy Christmas sweaters that they are wearing in the skit.

In other news, Madeline’s team did well at dance competition. They took first place in tap, jazz, and lyrical. Second place for super group production and ballet. Here are some photos because I don’t think I’ve bored you enough with the one’s I’ve posted over the last two weeks.

Lastly, I have a warning about Fiber One bars. They are the best tasting granola bar that I’ve ever had but they’ll give you a severe case of toxic butt syndrome. On the flip side they make a great excuse to get out of nookie with the hubby. I don’t need to use the I-have-a-headache excuse. All I have to say is, “Sorry honey, not tonight, I ate a Fiber One bar” and my hubby goes running.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? I was sent some advertisements from way back when advertising Lysol for personal hygiene. Did women actually douche with Lysol?! And I thought grandma smelled like Lysol because she cleaned all day. Damn ladies you might as well have gotten out the wire brush in your quest for cleanliness. I’ve read that they also used Lysol for birth control. Supposedly it kills sperm. I feel sorry for the babies conceived with the Lysol coated sperm because they can’t be right. The most disturbing thing about these ads is that marital problems may be caused by the wife’s lack of intimate daintiness. What about dear hubby’s sweaty balls? Maybe wifey would have done a better job of keeping her intimate daintiness if he had Lysol swabbed his balls and groin creases. All I can say is thank God I did not live in the fifties. Sadly I have a few friends who are very much a 1950’s wife. Don’t even get me started on that.

I thought this was an appropriate photo for my potty talk post. Those would be my kids plus a friend.

I have two favorite products that are worthy of a post and I’m not being paid to write about them. (Although I do accept free products. Hint. Hint.) I just want to pass on this info. If you are like me you have a cabinet full of barely used products that you tried and didn’t like so I love it when my friends tell me about a great product they are using.

I love shiny hair and I have tried tons of shiny hair producing products. I’ve even had a hair gloss put on at a salon. I’ll try anything with the words shiny or glossy so when I saw Loreal’s new Vive Pro shampoo in the pretty pink bottle with the word GLOSS I got very excited. I had to buy and try. I also got the conditioner because I’ve read enough shampoo bottles to know that best results are achieved if followed with the conditioner. I don’t know if that’s really true or just a marketing ploy but they’ve got me sold.

I’ve been using the Nutri Gloss line for two weeks and it does what it claims. It’s the best product I’ve used thus far for shiny hair. And it’s cheap! My dry damaged hair is soft and shiny. I also like the smell. Oh my, I sound like a commercial! If you are a shiny hair freak like me then give this one a try.

The other product I’m digging is Jergens Natural Glow Firming Moisturizer. It’s a moisturizer that self tans and firms up the cottage cheese on my thighs. Three products in one which is just what this slacker mom needs. I’m not sure if it’s ACTUALLY firming my lumpy thighs but having tan legs definitely helps them look better. I also like how it smells. So many self tanners have a gross smell that permeates from your body. I can smell a person with self tanning lotion on before they’ve entered a room. It’s basically three products in one which means saving time and money and that makes this slacker mom very happy.

There you have it. My two faves at the moment. If you try them let me know if you’ve had the same results.

In need of new sheets and towels?

I should get these for hubby to take on business trips.

And these to embarrass the kids. I wonder if the woman on the sheet is using Jergens Natural Glow Firming Moisturizer?

A big thanks to MiniMe Baby Gear for the adorable rufflebutt onesie’s that I won. They came yesterday and they are very cute.

I’m checking out for a few days. We are taking the kiddies to Branson. I’ll be back Wednesday. Have a great week!

Let me catch you up on my life over the last few days.

On Friday my hubby broke his wrist while playing soccer. He’s on an old man’s team but often forgets that he isn’t 25 anymore and plays like he is David Beckham on speed. He gets hurt nearly every week but this is by far his worst injury. It was a pretty bad break and he had surgery on Monday to put in a plate and 8 screws. This is his first time breaking a bone or needing surgery and…well..it’s been interesting. My hubby is a freak of nature and has an incredibly high tolerance to pain. It really pisses me off. He has very little empathy or compassion for me when I’ve had surgery, been ill, or have any kind of pain. He says dumb things like, “Just put it out of your mind” or “Tell yourself you won’t get sick and you won’t”. C’mon I’m a nurse, I don’t buy that baloney. Easy for him to say when he’s the one who had a raging case of Influenza that he thought was just a cold. His doctor was going to dismiss it as just viral until my hubby told him that his wife who is a nurse thinks he has the flu. He did a nose swab just to prove me wrong but of course I was right; he had the effing flu! Most people are down for the count with the flu but not my hubby. He walks around spreading his germs because he’s a freak of nature! He was so nonchalant when he called me to tell me he was on his way to the ER. I didn’t think it was any big deal until he brought home the x-ray. My God, his radius bone was bent back and nearly broke in half. Can you imagine how painful that should have been? He was given oxcycodone which I insisted he should take because it just had to be painful. I hurt just looking at it. By the next day he had the pukes and severe nausea. We thought it was due to the pain pills but I’m thinking he had a stomach bug because now three of my kids have the pukes. I have spent the last 7 hours cleaning up puke because my kids never seem to make it to the toilet. They come running for me while puking all the way down the hall. My poor little guy has it coming out of both ends. He craps his pants nearly every time he pukes. I’m doing non stop laundry and have bleached every thing I think they’ve touched. I cannot catch this. I’m not 100% healed from my tummy tuck. Sneezing and coughing still hurt. I don’t want to think about how bad it will hurt to puke. The sucky thing is I’m probably too late and have already been exposed. Plus who is going to take care of me, the baby, the other three kids, and my one armed hubby? If I’m incognito for a few days you will know why so I’ll leave you with a couple funny things rather than just a post about broken bones and my puking family.

The first is that I’ve learned a new word from one of my very funny friends at dance class. Our girls dance on the same dance team. Her and another mom keep me sane. All the other moms are dancezilla stage moms living through their daughters because they weren’t a cute popular pom pom girl when they were in high school. It really gets on my nerves but I will save that for another post. My new word is HOFNAR. Ever heard of one of these? I bet you’ve seen or felt one. It stands for “hard-on for no apparent reason”. I use it on my hubby every chance I get. I like to see if the word hofnar causes a hofnar so I’ll ask my hubby if he needs anything like a glass of water or a hofnar. My favorite is when I tell him to roll over because his hofnar is on my side of the bed. The word hasn’t quite caused a hofnar but what I call a “chud” or half hard. I have no idea where that word has come from or if it even exists. What in the world would it stand for? “Cum hard u dick” or “Can hardly use dick”. Maybe one of the perverts who will find this post will know. Since I’ve opened this topic and probably offended a few(I’m sorry, don’t judge me)this would be a good time for an off color video. It’s a Damon Wayans skit from his show The Underground. This is also from my funny friend. Thank you for the laughs, girl!

NOT FOR KIDS

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