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I’ve got a gig at the just launched 5 Minutes For Special Needs, a sister site of 5 Minutes For Mom. My first post goes live today so come over and show a girl some love!

I want to be a YES mom, really I do. I just don’t seem to know how. My natural instinct is to say NO, when my kids ask for something, especially when it comes to my almost 4 year old daughter’s endless requests.

We can be digging through the craft cabinet getting paper and crayons out and she will decide she wants to paint, and she will ask, “Can I paint, Mommy?” The neat and control freak in me takes over and the NO, comes out of my mouth before I even have a chance to think about it.

It’s an hour after breakfast, and quite a while before lunch and goes into the pantry and wants a “mushmellow”. NO, those are for the s’mores.

We are driving to gymnastics and they want some pretzels (yes, I actually do feed these children real food!) and I always keep a big bag in the car in case I forget to bring a snack. I start to hand each of them a couple, but my son wants to hold the WHOLE bag and I say NO.

Someone has an imaginary boo boo and they want a band-aid. I went along with this for a while, but it began to get out of control. We were going through several boxes a week between the two of them. Now, I will give it a kiss and let them throw their fit. NO, Band-aids are for bleeders.

The kids pick out their own cups for milk at dinner time, and 9/10 times my daughter will pick one with a lid and a straw that is near impossible to get out and clean. I don’t like to put milk in those type of cups for obvious reasons, and so I always tell her NO, and have her pick an open cup for at the table.

The kids want to play window races with the power windows in the car, NO! I then make sure my master switch is pushed to off so they don’t have control over their windows.

We like to go to a park that has a huge sandbox. Yeah. You know the answer to that one. They don’t even ask anymore.

I could go on and on. I’m starting to feel like all I do is say no, and my kids are fighting back. I feel like I give them plenty of choices through out the day so that they do feel like they have some control over their life, but it must not be enough. Olivia has started sneaking into the pantry and helping herself to snacks without permission, and when she should be napping I hear the pitter-patter of her feet upstairs as she raids the bandage drawer to repair her own boo boos. Jake has begun to give me attitude (he’s almost 6) and back talk, and both have started to tune me/us out.

I understand this behavior. I did it my whole childhood. My mother said NO to everything, often before she could even take her next breath. So I began sneaking around to get what I wanted. Food, talking on the phone, wearing make-up (in middle school and it looked horrible!), wearing her clothes and shoes, etc. I quit asking, because whenever I DID ask permission, she always said, NO. What was the point of trying to be honest and follow the rules, when I was never allowed to do anything anyway? (For those of you that don’t know me, I was a straight A student and a pretty good kid, there was no logical reason that I wasn’t allowed to do anything.)

I don’t want my children to feel as I did, like there is no point in asking. Is it really that big of a deal if we don’t have anything going on and Olivia wants to paint? NO! I need to let her paint. Yes, it is messy. Children should be allowed to paint and make messes, but at least she would be in one spot right?

If they ate a good breakfast, is it that big of a deal for them to have 1 marsh-mellow? NO! We have a full bag, there will be plenty for s’mores, and big woop if I have to buy another bag for when we actually do make the damn s’mores.

If Jake wants to hold the bag of pretzels on the way to gymnastics should I let him? YES! It’s only five minutes away. How many can he possibly eat in that short of a time span, and the sense of control that he would have far out weighs the benefits of me controlling his portions.

The band-aid thing still bugs me. I think it is wasteful to put 5 on a day for NOTHING, but I am allowing them now for stubbed toes and the like. I’m contemplating buying them each their own box and telling them that they won’t be getting another box for two weeks or something like that, and any “fake” injury that they have they can take from their own box.

The cup of milk with the killer straws? I’ve already let go of this one…..and you know what? She only picks those out now 5/10 times! Perhaps it was the power struggle?

Window races? Sorry, not going for it. But we did go to the park today and I let them go into the sandbox since it was bath night. It’s obvious that they have no sand manners….so we have some work to do there.

I think the struggle is finding the balance between what is obnoxious, a pain, inconvenient, but not really THAT big of a deal and getting over it and letting go and saving the NOs for the important things in life, so that they will listen when it really matters. Being a YES mom doesn’t mean being a pushover either……because THAT will never happen in this house.

So tell, me, Are you a NO mom like me or are you a YES mom, and if so, how do you find the balance so the kids don’t rule the roost?

————————————————————————————————————–

Hi! I’m abunslife and I hang out over here. I totally freaked when Kristi asked if I would guest blog for her while she is vacationing it up with her family. She is one of the reasons I started blogging in the first place…..I immediately felt a kinship with her because we share similar childhood stories, and once I started blogging and got in touch with her, we found out that we only lived about five minutes from each other! What are the odds? I’m honored to have been invited to post here, and I am still wondering how I got on this guest list?

I went to a baby shower on Saturday.

Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, we played “Baby Bingo” and some other cutesy games that the New-Mom-to-Be’s family made up. No we didn’t play the dirty diaper game. That’s just friggin’ gross.

I used to work with the New -Mom-to-Be. I saw a lot of my old work friends there. You know, the ones that I only see at parties and few and far between get-togethers…otherwise yeah, I never see them.

I liked catching up and showing off pictures of my daughter.

But here’s the thing.

Most of you all know, I only have one kid. She’s 4 and a half. (Yes, that 6 months is very important to her.)  Most of you all know the crap that I went through when she was first born. Most of you also know that I am petrified to have another kid. Not just a little scared, friggin’ mortified. Nah, not even mortified, ready to puke just thinking about it. Pee your pants scared. REALLY afraid. I can’t even hold an infant, scared.

And I’ve been to about a bajillion Bridal-Turned-Baby Showers in the past decade. I’m done. I thought.

As I was getting ready to go to this shin-dig, I was nervous, for various reasons.

I couldn’t find an outfit. Everything on my body has changed since I gave birth to my daughter 4+ years ago. No, I’m not fat, at least you would think that. But I feel fat. My pants don’t fit the same, My shirts are all old and farty. I wear ‘comfort’ clothes almost every day, so when the time comes to ‘fancy up’ I panic. I went shopping and bought a shirt that I liked but felt uncomfortable in. I went through about 10 different outfits until I went with the original get up that I had planned to wear. I called my dad to see if he was home so I could stop by to show him my outfit before I went to the party. He was always my fashion guru.

He wasn’t there.

When did I start worrying about the way I looked?

I had a pimple. What the fuck? Where did that come from? Since I’m having my new love affair, with Mario, I never get a blemish, let alone a bulbous red bump on my chin that shined like Roudolph’s red nose. Luckily, my new summer tan (shut up) and makeup hid some of the shine and redness and I don’t think anyone noticed.

I hate these things.

I have an only child. I had a horrific experience when she was born and I literally feel bad for the New-Mom-to-Be. She has no clue. She has no friggin’ clue how her life, mind, body and marriage are going to change forever. For-Ev-Er. And she was glowing. So happy to have everybody there to celebrate. So happy to have that new life inside of her bulging belly. (She did look cute.) So happy with the new baby gifts and clothes that make any woman’s loins quiver, admittedly, even my own. But she really has no clue. And I felt sorry for her.

All the other moms there have more than one kid. And I had to hear multiple times, “When ya havin’ anothuh?” (We come from NY, ya know.) And I had to answer, “Yeah, not sure I’m havin’ another”…I hate that.

Because I want to want to have another. I do. But I don’t. Not always. Don’t get me wrong, the feeling comes more than it ever did before. I am gettin’ up there in age and I do want Fa to have a sister. But. I’m scared…(see above)…And this had been a bone of contention in my marriage for years.

So, do I go into details or just shrug my shoulders and be evasive?

I hate this shit.

Luckily, being a guest at this party wasn’t as difficult as I expected it to be. I always expect the worst. I looked pretty damn good and I smiled and joked and showed off my only child like everything was peachy.  And it is. But why do I always get so nervous with these kind of things? I thought I was done with this crap already…

Do me a favor, don’t invite me to anymore Bridal/Baby showers…I’m officially taking myself off the guest list.

It’s too stressful for me.

***

Hi! I’m JJ. I’m hijaking Slacker-Mom’s blog today while she’s away hootin’ it up with a margarita or something in her hand. I blog here, where I air out all my ‘Dirty Laundry’ to anyone who comes over. I have no shame. Truly, I have none. That’s why Slacker-Mom and I get along so well. *snort* Thanks for hangin’ out with me this Monday morning and listening to me vent. I am honored to be a part of the awesome blog sitters that are taking over this space this week…And thank you Slacker-Mom for inviting me to THIS party…I knew this would be a fun one. You always throw rockin’ shin-digs.

If your impulsive child starts complaining that she has to go pee REAL BAD while in the car after something does not go her way and her siblings are taunting her with peeing sounds and talk of water please don’t make the mistake of threatening the teasing siblings that they had better stop or they will have to clean up her pee because your impulsive child may pee just to see if her siblings would really have to clean it up.

Just sayin’.

Last week I went on a school field trip and opted to follow the bus with one of the other mothers rather than ride. We got into a conversation about our girls approaching the teen years and I bragged that since I was such a bad girl as a teen that my kids wouldn’t get much passed me. After all I had done it all.

I stand corrected.

Later that day I happened upon a conversation about what kids are doing now to get drunk. One of the mothers had recently caught her daughter and her friends inserting vodka soaked tampons vaginally. They had seen a You Tube video about it being a quick way to get drunk and escape their parents smelling alcohol on their breath. Boys can get the same effect by inserting the tampon rectally. I’m shocked that boys would even be willing to do this since most of them are a bit weird about having anything up the poop chute. And does it really prevent alcohol breath? I’m a nurse and I know that alcohol in the bloodstream is also absorbed by the lungs so I would think you could still smell it. This little trick certainly wouldn’t fool a Breathalyzer. I hate to think that not only will parents need to smell their kids breath for alcohol but also have them bend over for a whiff.

So be aware if your daughter is going through a large amount of tampons or your son suddenly doesn’t mind picking up a box of tampons for you or his sister. You can bet I’m going to tell my daughters horror stories of death from alcohol poisoning not to mention drunk eggs now mean babies that aren’t right later.

*updated*
I did a search on You Tube and it seems to be called “slimming”.

I’ve had a tough day.

It began with an email from Madeline’s teacher. I love this teacher. She has dealt with Madeline’s tics and ADHD with so much understanding and patience. She is big on behavior modification and Madeline has responded well. We email often to keep each other abreast of what is going on with Madeline. Her email today informed me that Madeline was having a rough day and complaining about her eyes bothering her. She had glasses prescribed a few months ago but they aggravated her tics, causing her to frequently move her ears and rub the glasses on her nose until the skin became red and sore. We traded her glasses in for contacts and she did well with them the first few weeks but now she’s complaining of her eyes hurting and I have noticed that her blinking tic has increased considerably over the last week. She is so hypersensitive.

I wasn’t surprised that she was having a bad day. I noticed a change in her behavior over the weekend. She was more impulsive than usual and her tics were greatly increased. I know that it’s time to consider medicating her. It’s been a year since we tried Strattera and that is the only drug we have tried. I have a friend whose son has similar issues as Madeline and is doing very well on Tenex and Focalin. She’s also is very happy with his neurologist so I have been mulling around the idea of taking Madeline to him. Her teacher’s email was confirmation that Madeline needs to be seen. Unfortunately the receptionist of the new doc was extremely rude and tells me that the next available appointment would be the end of October. This was after I was on hold for ten minutes.

“Are you kidding me?” was my response.

Then silence.

“Okay then. Thanks anyway” and I hung up.

I was shocked. My friend is shocked. Her son was seen within the week of her calling. Obviously I caught the receptionist from hell on the wrong day. Seriously, what pediatric neurologist can’t see a child for six months?

I called the neurologist that treats Madeline and they are getting her in tomorrow. Easy peezy, lemon squeezy and the receptionist was pleasant!

When I picked the kids up from school I could see that my usually happy child was not happy. She broke down as soon as we pulled away and my heart bled as I watched big, fat alligator tears roll down her beautiful face.

I hate that she is going through this.

I hate that I can’t “fix” it.

I hate that kids make fun of her.

All I could offer her was my shoulder to cry on and a doctor’s appointment. She is definitely her mother’s daughter. We are both very emotional and cry when under great stress but we are also strong and will seek answers and solutions. After our pity party Madeline asked if she could give her class a talk about her tics so they could understand her better.

That’s my girl.

She even started her research on her own tonight. I walked in on her watching this HBO piece on kids with Tourettes. We also have a neighbor kid that has Tourettes so I suggested she should talk to him.

We’ll get through this.

Now I must sleep.

I hope.

This is a question I have pondered for as long as I can remember. Sadly, my own mother was not a very good role model because mental illness, immaturity, and narcissism consumed her. My friend’s mothers weren’t much better either or at least in my young eyes they were not June Cleaver or Carol Brady. None of them stayed at home, some were part time moms due to divorce, and most were not very involved in their kid’s lives. I wasn’t so sure that mothers like those depicted on t.v. even existed but I did know that I wanted to be like them.

Fantasizing about what a great mom I would be is what got me through my dreary childhood. After my mother’s narcissistic rages I would retreat to La La Land and envision myself lavishing my own children with love and praise. I promised my imaginary children that I would never forget how valuable they are and never blame them for my wrongdoings. I was raised to feel like I was a burden, the cause of my mother’s miserable existence, and that my sole purpose was to serve her. I believed that mothering my children well would right all my mother’s wrongs.

Now I’m a mother and I have stuck to my promises to the best of my ability only I didn’t realize how hard it would be. With my own mother being such a poor role model I had to model t.v. moms and a few mommy friends who I decided rocked the mom gig. Maintaining my idea of the perfect mom did not make me feel like frolicking in a meadow with my children while riding unicorns like I had imagined. Instead I felt depleted and frustrated most of the time. That damn Carol Brady made it look so easy with every episode ending all wrapped up nicely and tied with a bow.

In my quest to be the opposite of my own mother I ended up taking motherhood to the extreme and lost myself in the process. I succeeded at putting my children on a pedestal, giving them many of the things I never had, and being a stay at home mom who bakes cookies and volunteers at school. What I failed at was giving up so much of myself that there wasn’t anything left for me. It is very hard to effectively parent when your own needs aren’t being met.

So my idea of what it takes to be a good mom has changed over the years. I have learned that in order for me to effectively mother my children I need to achieve balance in my life. Keeping balance is a struggle for me because of my fear that any time I put myself before my children it will be perceived as self centeredness.  I have never completely shaken my childhood feelings of worthlessness but day by day I chip away at that negative feeling by doing little things for myself. Not only is it good for me but also good for my children. I am their role model for the portrait of a mother they will paint and I want them to know that they don’t have to give up their life to be a good mother.

PBN is helping Microsoft promote their campaign “Portraits of Mom” with a Blog Blast. To participate write a post on your blog describing your portrait of a mother. Post anytime this weekend - Friday, April 25 through Sunday, April 27 and include links to http://www.portraitsofmom.com and http://blog.parentbloggers.com. You could win a $250 gift certificate to your local photography studio of choice!

I’m an emotional mess. Today was not a good mommy day for me despite it starting out okay. Madeline had her Muny audition so we had to get up early to be there by 8:30 am. Madeline is not a breakfast kind of kid but I was able to get her to eat a piece of cheese. I figured a little protein is better than none. She was nervous and excited but the audition ended up going well for her and the most important thing is she feels like she did a great job.

This is where things went downhill.

We carpooled with my good friend Vickie and her daughter so we decided to grab lunch together after running a quick errand. The service was extremely slow and it ended up being two-ish before we got our food. That’s a long time to go on one piece of cheese and a handful of pretzels and Madeline began to crash.

For those who don’t already know, Madeline has Tourette’s Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Most of the time she does a great job of keeping her behavior in check. She is embarrassed of her tics so she often suppresses them in social situations or if she’s in the company of people she doesn’t feel would be accepting. This is not an easy thing to do and can be quite exhausting. Imagine suppressing a bout of sneezing 50 times an hour for several hours. That’s how people with Tourette’s describe their tics. It’s an urge that is not easily suppressed. Once she is in a safe place such as home she releases all those suppressed tics.

Madeline became quite fidgety while waiting for our food. I could tell she was trying to suppress her tics which worsen when she’s hungry, tired, or under stress. She was bouncing her legs under the table which her friend took as Madeline purposely kicking her so she yelled at Madeline to stop several times. This prompts me to reprimand Madeline so that it doesn’t appear that I don’t make her mind. At that point I should have sat between the girls but my attempt to appear “normal” clouded my judgement.

Madeline was also a bit impulsive and rather than wait for me to slide out of the booth so she could get in she walked over my back and onto the booth. Needless to say I was embarrassed. I can feel the stares and I know people are assuming she doesn’t have any manners and I’m a bad parent.

My scolding her only made things worse. When she crashes we have found that pointing out her behavior worsens it but I felt torn. If I didn’t scold her then I would appear to my friend like I let my kid do whatever she wants without consequence. It was such an uncomfortable situation and it took everything I had to not burst into tears. At one point Madeline hugged me and said she was sorry. She could feel my disappointment and stress with the situation which makes me feel terrible because it was my fault she couldn’t keep it together.

I failed her on so many levels. Normally I do a pretty good job of setting Madeline up to be successful. I do my best to make sure she gets enough sleep, I bring snacks, and I watch for triggers.

What was I thinking? I should have hit a drive-thru and fed her right away but sometimes it’s hard to tell the others in your group that your child needs to eat now without looking like your child is a princess. I know, I’m making excuses. I am my child’s best advocate and I totally failed her today. I need to be better about doing what is best for Madeline in these situations even if it risks being judged as a bad mother. Geez, us moms are so hard on each other and I wish I didn’t care what others thought. But I do and today I put the needs of others before my own child and we paid a heavy price.

Once fed Madeline was able to pull it together and took a nap during the drive home. We didn’t see any impulsive behavior or hyperactivity once home but the freakiest thing happened. I was helping her with her math homework when suddenly she froze in a trance like stare while moving her eyes repeatedly up, right, down, and left. It scared the shit out of me because my immediate thought was that she was seizing. It lasted less than ten seconds but she wouldn’t respond to her name in those ten seconds then suddenly she snapped out of it. She immediately told me her teacher says it’s no big deal, just eye movements, so she obviously must do it at school when she’s trying to concentrate or feeling mental fatigue.

I made her take a break before resuming her homework and then sent her to bed. She was asleep by 9 pm and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. We don’t have anything going on and that’s exactly what she needs.

So please don’t be so quick to judge the next time you see a child misbehaving. That child may very well have special needs and disapproving stares increase the stress of parent and child. Most parents of special needs children try to only put their children in situations where they can be successful but sometimes “episodes” can pop up despite our best intentions. Dealing with these kids can be challenging and exhausting so try to be a little understanding. That’s all I’m askin’.

I wrote about Madeline’s issues with a frienemy last week and how I had come to the realization that it isn’t a problem I can just “fix”. If she is going to choose to stay friends with her frienemy then she we will have to figure how to make it work.

Well, I actually got this one right. Once I backed out of “the problem” Madeline was forced to take matters in her own hands. She approached the frienemy in gym class and called a truce. They hugged and it has been going well since. For now, anyway.

In the meantime I have written two letters to each of my oldest daughters. I had given Madeline the American Girl Doll book “A smart girl’s guide to friendship troubles” to help her with her friendship woes but she poo-pooed it. She doesn’t need a book she reassured me. Hmmm, that’s interesting because she certainly seemed to want my assistance. That’s when I decided to write the first letter. She loves to hear stories about when I was a little girl and especially stories about my school and friendship troubles.

I pulled some of the important points I wanted her to read from the book and applied them to my own childhood experiences. I wrote about the times I was teased or I didn’t feel like I fit in. I shared my insecurities about my freckles and my nose and how there were times I felt jealous of another girl who had what I wished I had. The letter ended with how I came to love myself, gained confidence, and to always stay true to who I am.

I want my girls to know that all of these little life “blips” are learning lessons, milestones we all have to go through to figure out who we are. If we learn to love ourselves and treat others as we want to be treated then everything else will fall into place. There will always be little blips in our lives but if we feel good about ourselves then those blips will be more manageable. Blah, blah, blah.

Madeline loved the letter and it sparked quite a conversation between us. She is at the age where she looks up to me so it is very reassuring for her to know I’ve experienced some of the issues she is dealing with right now and I came out okay. The letter went over so well that I wrote another but it is sealed for now.

I know that in a few short years I will no longer be the center of my kid’s universe. They will be trying to gain independence, experience the world without me, and will keep secrets from me. I know we won’t always see eye to eye and I will no longer seem cool to them. I hope we will be able to continue to communicate but I also expect that it will be a trying time for us.

The second letter explains all this plus how I’m trying to keep them safe and only want the best for them even when it seems like I don’t understand. I want them to know that at the time I wrote the letter I was looking into the future with uncertainty. I am afraid of the teenage years. It’s a critical time and I don’t want to mess it up. I want them to know that I do remember being their age and that I didn’t always use good judgement. We are both going to make mistakes and I just hope that we can get through them and still like each other. I shared that I hope they will feel like they can come to me about anything and I can be reasonable.

At this point I don’t know how the letter will be received. When we hit our first teenage years blip I plan to give them their sealed letter. I will encourage them to write me back. I don’t know if will be helpful or not but I figure it’s worth a try.

I’m having one of those days where I want to hang up my mommy hat and catch the first flight to Tahiti. So here I go again, boo-hooing about how hard it is to be a parent.It seems the older my kids get the more ill equipped I feel for this parenting gig. My own parents were terrible role models so I’m learning as I go. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don’t.

Madeline, my guinea pig oldest is having friendship troubles. She has a love-hate friendship with another girl in her class. Her frienemy happens to be a little girl I can’t stand. She is spoiled, bratty, rude, manipulative, and lacks boundaries. For some reason, Madeline enjoys her but it isn’t without conflict. The frienemy has everything but lacks time with her parents and Madeline gets lots of family time but lacks many of the material possessions of the frienemy. They are constantly feeling jealous of what the other has that they want and one-upping each other. It makes me crazy.

I met with the teacher today to see how we can help the girls get along better at school. This past Tuesday Madeline had an emotional breakdown in the car after school. The frienemy had left her out at lunch, giving her mean looks when the teacher’s back was turned, and trying to get her in trouble.

I didn’t get what I wanted out of the meeting. I love the teacher but I came home not feeling like there was any resolution. I had to ask myself what it was that I was hoping to get out of the meeting and suddenly I had a light bulb moment. This isn’t my problem to fix. This problem isn’t about when I was the kid feeling left out or mistreated and didn’t have a mother who would go to school and make it all better.

One of the things I have found most challenging about parenting is dealing with my intense desire to snuff out my kid’s emotional pain. I’m a big believer of natural consequences but when it comes to failure, disappointment, and friendship woes I want to pacify their feelings along with the ones I still carry from my own childhood. Logically I know that my kids need to experience their own emotional pain and struggles in order to grow but the mamma bear in me tends to instinctively jump in and rescue.

I can’t rescue Madeline from her friendship woes. She has chosen to continue this close friendship with the frienemy so she is going to have to figure out how to make it work. I’m here to support her and give a listening ear but this is one boo boo I can’t put a band-aid on.

Realizing this doesn’t make me feel any better though.

Damn it.

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