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I’ve got a gig at the just launched 5 Minutes For Special Needs, a sister site of 5 Minutes For Mom. My first post goes live today so come over and show a girl some love!

I’m back from our family vaycay to San Diego and trying to adjust to the steamy heat and time change. Getting in at 1:30 this morning doesn’t help any.

A big thanks to the fab bitches who blog sat. You girls rock!

We had a great time on our trip. It was jam packed and Marigrace was a trooper. We dragged her everywhere and she caught catnaps wherever she could. There were a few meltdowns by Sunday but I must say that I’ve become a pro at dispelling tantrums after having three high strung toddlers come before her. Actually, Connor was the easiest toddler but the girls have trained me well.

Madeline did much better flying than she did last year. Looking back I realize how much she has grown up and how her anxiety has greatly improved. Drugging her also helped. Her Tenex and Benadryl cocktail had her sleeping most of the flight. Currently she only has two tics (that I notice) and some mild OCD. It was the occasional extreme hyperactivity that had me wanting to throw her jump off the balcony.

Here are the highlights and lowlights of our vacation:

*Ran into a neighbor at the San Diego airport. A neighbor that I haven’t seen in at least a year. How funny that I rarely see her in the hood but run into her in another state.

*The resort we were supposed to stay at turned out to be a dump with a crappy pool and rude staff. Fortunately our travel agent was able to book us a suite at the Marriott on Coronado Island for only $20 more per night. Can you believe that shit? The first place jacked up their price because it was the week of the 4th of July.

*We visited Legoland and Sea World. We get 6 complimentary Sea World tickets from a friend whenever we go. We usually don’t need all six so we give away one or two of them to some unsuspecting family in the ticket line. The kids pick out a family that they feel are the most deserving. We give them the ticket(s) then quickly fade into the crowd so they aren’t given a chance to repay us in any way. The look on their faces is priceless.

Shamu Rocks!

*We toured the USS Midway Museum which was super cool. We met a guy who was on the ship during Desert Storm. He walked around with us for awhile and gave us a personal tour of what it was like on the ship. Hubby was in heaven.

 

*Marigrace’s reaction to sand:

…loving it by the second trip to the beach

*I loved the patriotism of Coronado Island. Their 4th of July parade was the longest parade I’ve ever seen and full of service people of the past and present. Everyone stood whenever a military group came through. It really warmed my heart and I teared up each time. That kind of respect and gratitude is just so cool.

*Our funniest moment was during a bike ride on one of those 6 person bikes that screams out that we are tourists. You know no resort native would ever ride such a thing. Madeline was in the driver seat when I lost a shoe. Hubby jumped off to retrieve it and Madeline kept pedaling while hubby tried to catch up. The entire time he chased us he repeated “I love bike riding”. He’s such a good sport. Especially since we were laughing pretty hard at him.

I guess you had to be there. Good thing I’ve got video!

*Refereeing sibling rivalry was exhausting but when the day ends like this…

 

…I can’t help but too think they are all worth it.

 

Gratuitous baby pic

And now I must sleep.

If only there was more time in a day. I just can’t seem to get done all that I have to do and more importantly, what I want to do, in a day. I’m really perturbed that I can’t fit blogging in my life like I once could. Hopefully I will have more time this summer.

I won’t bore you with a laundry list of what I’ve been doing since I last posted so I’ll just catch you up on the important stuff.

*I got Madeline into her neurologist the day after my last post. He prescribed Tenex which is an antihypertensive that can also suppress tics. The only side affect has been it makes her tired so we slowly increased her dose. The fatigue has actually been good for her. She’s a kid who doesn’t need much sleep so her mind and body is getting some much needed rest since she doesn’t tic when she sleeps. One of her tics is sucking her stomach in real tight then sticking it out as far as she can. This tic is causing her a lot of tummy discomfort and she has had a couple of emotional breakdowns over her inability to stop it. We’ve gotten her to her prescribed dose in the last few days and I’m already starting to notice a decrease in her tics.

She did give a talk to her class about Tourette’s Syndrome and shared HBO’s special on Tourette’s with them. Her teacher said she did a great job and her classmates were very interested in learning about it. It was a great lesson in compassion and it gave her a feeling of control over something she can’t control. Needless to say I am very proud of her.

*We did some remodeling in our kitchen. The cabinets were antiqued, replaced the sink and stovetop, and had the counters recovered with a material that is made of recycled glass. Very cool stuff. Here’s a before and after. Well kind of a before shot. I didn’t think about doing a before photo until after the cabinets were painted and the stove and sink were removed. They would also be better shots if I took them in the daytime but I’m lucky I ever took them at all.

*Isabelle made her first communion then we had a huge celebration at our house. My husband is from a very large family so all our parties are a big to-do. Here is a photo of her cake.

Why am I sharing a photo of the cake? Because that cake cost $120. I should have had it professionally photographed for that kind of money.

I didn’t mean to buy such an expensive cake. A friend had told me about a bakery that had the best tasting cake she had ever had so I thought I would give them a try. I spent forty minutes looking through their book with photos of the most amazing cakes I had ever seen and consulting with the salesperson. I figured the cake would probably be around $75 but I never imagined she would ring me up to the tune of $120. By that time I was too embarrassed to tell her she was out of her mind if she thought I would spend that much on a cake. So I wrote my check without a flinch and spent the rest of the day sick to my stomach with buyer’s remorse. Thankfully it turned out to be an amazing cake and definitely the best cake I’ve ever eaten.

*I attended a Wii Fit party at this super cool chick’s house the week before it was released. You can read about the partay here. I was pretty impressed with it and bought one the day it was released. How could I not buy it since it told me I’m of normal weight and an average BMI and that my butt is not big at all? Okay I added the last part. It is pretty cool though and I’ve been using it every day since I got it. My only suggestion would be that I could choose a personal trainer on the game that looks like Brad Pitt and doesn’t wear a shirt. What would be even better is if he talked dirty and told me how hot I am. I guarantee that would have me exercising consistently.

*I got my hair cut today. It had been way too long since I had gotten cut because my life is so ridiculously crazy as of late. It was halfway down my back and now it barely touches my shoulders! My hairdresser cut four inches like I requested but then she started cutting my layers and we started talking and the next thing I know is there is more hair on the floor than on my head!

I’ve got a few more things to share that will have to be their own posts and I will hopefully find time to write this week. Thanks for not forgetting about me!

I’m hosting a blog bash with my sis over at Lipstick to Crayons. We’ve got some really awesome prizes and giveaways going on so check it out!

I’ve had a tough day.

It began with an email from Madeline’s teacher. I love this teacher. She has dealt with Madeline’s tics and ADHD with so much understanding and patience. She is big on behavior modification and Madeline has responded well. We email often to keep each other abreast of what is going on with Madeline. Her email today informed me that Madeline was having a rough day and complaining about her eyes bothering her. She had glasses prescribed a few months ago but they aggravated her tics, causing her to frequently move her ears and rub the glasses on her nose until the skin became red and sore. We traded her glasses in for contacts and she did well with them the first few weeks but now she’s complaining of her eyes hurting and I have noticed that her blinking tic has increased considerably over the last week. She is so hypersensitive.

I wasn’t surprised that she was having a bad day. I noticed a change in her behavior over the weekend. She was more impulsive than usual and her tics were greatly increased. I know that it’s time to consider medicating her. It’s been a year since we tried Strattera and that is the only drug we have tried. I have a friend whose son has similar issues as Madeline and is doing very well on Tenex and Focalin. She’s also is very happy with his neurologist so I have been mulling around the idea of taking Madeline to him. Her teacher’s email was confirmation that Madeline needs to be seen. Unfortunately the receptionist of the new doc was extremely rude and tells me that the next available appointment would be the end of October. This was after I was on hold for ten minutes.

“Are you kidding me?” was my response.

Then silence.

“Okay then. Thanks anyway” and I hung up.

I was shocked. My friend is shocked. Her son was seen within the week of her calling. Obviously I caught the receptionist from hell on the wrong day. Seriously, what pediatric neurologist can’t see a child for six months?

I called the neurologist that treats Madeline and they are getting her in tomorrow. Easy peezy, lemon squeezy and the receptionist was pleasant!

When I picked the kids up from school I could see that my usually happy child was not happy. She broke down as soon as we pulled away and my heart bled as I watched big, fat alligator tears roll down her beautiful face.

I hate that she is going through this.

I hate that I can’t “fix” it.

I hate that kids make fun of her.

All I could offer her was my shoulder to cry on and a doctor’s appointment. She is definitely her mother’s daughter. We are both very emotional and cry when under great stress but we are also strong and will seek answers and solutions. After our pity party Madeline asked if she could give her class a talk about her tics so they could understand her better.

That’s my girl.

She even started her research on her own tonight. I walked in on her watching this HBO piece on kids with Tourettes. We also have a neighbor kid that has Tourettes so I suggested she should talk to him.

We’ll get through this.

Now I must sleep.

I hope.

I’m an emotional mess. Today was not a good mommy day for me despite it starting out okay. Madeline had her Muny audition so we had to get up early to be there by 8:30 am. Madeline is not a breakfast kind of kid but I was able to get her to eat a piece of cheese. I figured a little protein is better than none. She was nervous and excited but the audition ended up going well for her and the most important thing is she feels like she did a great job.

This is where things went downhill.

We carpooled with my good friend Vickie and her daughter so we decided to grab lunch together after running a quick errand. The service was extremely slow and it ended up being two-ish before we got our food. That’s a long time to go on one piece of cheese and a handful of pretzels and Madeline began to crash.

For those who don’t already know, Madeline has Tourette’s Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. Most of the time she does a great job of keeping her behavior in check. She is embarrassed of her tics so she often suppresses them in social situations or if she’s in the company of people she doesn’t feel would be accepting. This is not an easy thing to do and can be quite exhausting. Imagine suppressing a bout of sneezing 50 times an hour for several hours. That’s how people with Tourette’s describe their tics. It’s an urge that is not easily suppressed. Once she is in a safe place such as home she releases all those suppressed tics.

Madeline became quite fidgety while waiting for our food. I could tell she was trying to suppress her tics which worsen when she’s hungry, tired, or under stress. She was bouncing her legs under the table which her friend took as Madeline purposely kicking her so she yelled at Madeline to stop several times. This prompts me to reprimand Madeline so that it doesn’t appear that I don’t make her mind. At that point I should have sat between the girls but my attempt to appear “normal” clouded my judgement.

Madeline was also a bit impulsive and rather than wait for me to slide out of the booth so she could get in she walked over my back and onto the booth. Needless to say I was embarrassed. I can feel the stares and I know people are assuming she doesn’t have any manners and I’m a bad parent.

My scolding her only made things worse. When she crashes we have found that pointing out her behavior worsens it but I felt torn. If I didn’t scold her then I would appear to my friend like I let my kid do whatever she wants without consequence. It was such an uncomfortable situation and it took everything I had to not burst into tears. At one point Madeline hugged me and said she was sorry. She could feel my disappointment and stress with the situation which makes me feel terrible because it was my fault she couldn’t keep it together.

I failed her on so many levels. Normally I do a pretty good job of setting Madeline up to be successful. I do my best to make sure she gets enough sleep, I bring snacks, and I watch for triggers.

What was I thinking? I should have hit a drive-thru and fed her right away but sometimes it’s hard to tell the others in your group that your child needs to eat now without looking like your child is a princess. I know, I’m making excuses. I am my child’s best advocate and I totally failed her today. I need to be better about doing what is best for Madeline in these situations even if it risks being judged as a bad mother. Geez, us moms are so hard on each other and I wish I didn’t care what others thought. But I do and today I put the needs of others before my own child and we paid a heavy price.

Once fed Madeline was able to pull it together and took a nap during the drive home. We didn’t see any impulsive behavior or hyperactivity once home but the freakiest thing happened. I was helping her with her math homework when suddenly she froze in a trance like stare while moving her eyes repeatedly up, right, down, and left. It scared the shit out of me because my immediate thought was that she was seizing. It lasted less than ten seconds but she wouldn’t respond to her name in those ten seconds then suddenly she snapped out of it. She immediately told me her teacher says it’s no big deal, just eye movements, so she obviously must do it at school when she’s trying to concentrate or feeling mental fatigue.

I made her take a break before resuming her homework and then sent her to bed. She was asleep by 9 pm and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. We don’t have anything going on and that’s exactly what she needs.

So please don’t be so quick to judge the next time you see a child misbehaving. That child may very well have special needs and disapproving stares increase the stress of parent and child. Most parents of special needs children try to only put their children in situations where they can be successful but sometimes “episodes” can pop up despite our best intentions. Dealing with these kids can be challenging and exhausting so try to be a little understanding. That’s all I’m askin’.

There certainly is a lot of drama in my life right now. I’ve got my father trying to guilt his way back into my life and a troll who put me in a bad mood. Although my mood has greatly improved with the help of my sister and blogging friends.

My beloved dog, Sonny who is ten is not doing well. He has a cough and is bleeding from the nose. A constant trickle that won’t stop. I’m having all kinds of tests done and so far his doctors have found a mass in his nasal cavity. I’m taking him to a specialist who can determine if it’s a fungal infection or a tumor. I’m just sick about it. Sonny was my first baby. We got him a few months before we were married. During my first pregnancy Sonny would take naps with me on the couch with his head on my belly. He has been the best dog. I am not ready to let him go yet. My family will be crushed. Although Marigrace is only a toddler she will miss him too. She loves curling up next to him and sharing her snacks. If it is a tumor I’m being told that he would respond well to radiation and it would extend his life about another 13 months. So I’m hopeful, praying that it’s a fungal infection which would be easier to treat.

My other drama is with Madeline. We are taking the kids on a vacation and we leave tomorrow. My hubby got a two bedroom condo because he’s hoping for a sexcation. We are flying. Madeline is afraid of flying. We flew last summer and she got a little anxious. Her anxiety and tics have greatly reduced since then so we decided to fly again. She was okay with it until tonight. The excitement of our vacation is stressing her out. She currently has a coughing tic. My hubby didn’t realize it was a tic and made a comment to her about needing medicine. Drawing attention to her tics causes her to tic more. Especially under times of stress. It didn’t help that she saw the weather prediction of storms tomorrow. She flipped out, coughing uncontrollably until she threw up. She panicked, cried that she won’t get on the plane if it storms. It kills me to see her so fearful. I felt so helpless.

I gave her Benadryl and had her lie in my bed with a movie. I asked her questions about the movie to help take her mind off her fear that the plane is going to crash. She continued to cough and puke. Trying to reason with a child who is having a panic attack is not easy. She was a little comforted by squeezing my hand. I suggested that when she has these worries she can squeeze my hand and all her worries will travel to me so I can do the worrying for her. She seemed to like that idea. With the Benadryl kicking in and some deep breathing she coughed less. I acted silly and we laughed a little bit before she finally passed out. Then I went in the bathroom and cried.

It’s so sad to see her have these worries and difficulties at such a young age. Even though I have moments of not coping I firmly believe God only gives you what you can handle. I can handle this. I don’t want to have to handle it but it is what it is. All those years of providing therapy and support to my mother were preparation for this.

We are going to do our best to have a stress free morning since Madeline feeds off our stress. I’m going to give her Benadryl before the flight and pray she doesn’t have a coughing fit panic attack on the plane. I know she will feel so much better about it if the flight is smooth. I’ve noticed that her fear of things is the worst when she’s preparing to do something scary. Once she’s doing it she’s fine. It’s the damn worrying that’s getting to her. She’s done a great job of pushing through her fears. She’s afraid of elevators but will get on them. Last year she was terrified of amusement park rides and this year we can’t keep her off of them. I’m proud of her for trying the things she is afraid of. They are never as scary as she imagines them to be.

Wish us luck. Prayers are appreciated. I won’t be back blogging for a week so I hope you don’t forget me. I’m going to leave you with a funny story rather than all this drama.

This past Wednesday I went to a blogging seminar with Lisa and met all these cool people. We got a little lost on the way which made us a few minutes late. They had already started the seminar when we got there. I made Lisa walk in ahead of me because I’m a chicken. Karma bit me in the ass for it. I had one of those moments that seem to only happen to me. Like the time I wiped out in a quiet auditorium filled with a thousand people but I’ll save that story for another post.

We quietly found a seat next to Rebecca. I decided to turn off my phone because I could see my kids calling me to ask me a dumb question like what kind of chair I was sitting in. Some how I managed to put my phone on speaker as it called my voicemail. I have no idea how it happened. It’s never happened before. I was frantically trying to turn my phone off while my messages were being played for all to hear. I could feel everyone looking at me. I gave a meek “I’m sorry”. The mediator responded with a request for everyone to turn their phones off. Every one seemed to find it funny except for her. Smooth move, huh? It’s so typical of something I would do.

I’m off to bed now. It’s been an exhausting couple of days and I have a much needed vacation waiting for me.

What is it with me and drama? I must have a neon light flashing I’M A PUSHOVER on my back. I had the purse drama last weekend and this weekend it was clueless workers destroying my house drama.

I’m having my shower replaced in the master bath plus some exterior work on the house. The shower is coming along with few glitches but what is being done on the outside has turned into a nightmare. There is a gal who does a lot of work in our subdivision. She cleans, paints, and does yard work. She has always done a nice job so when she came to me and asked me to do her a favor and hire her son because he needed money to keep from being evicted I said yes without hesitation. That was mistake number one. He did a terrible job painting our front door and had to redo it twice before his mom came to his rescue and repainted it. It looks like shit from being scraped twice and there’s paint on the porch and brick. By this time we had paid the guy for 90% of the job and he only did 25% because he played on our heart strings about how down and out he is. Turns out he didn’t use some of what we paid him to buy the mulch we needed. He spent it and then didn’t have money to buy mulch and we weren’t about to give him anymore money. His mom took him off the job and bought the mulch that we paid her son to buy. She promised to make all his mistakes right. Mistake number two. We should have cut our losses then and let her go. Instead all her trying to make things “right” has snowballed into everything being wrong. We are left with a ruined front porch because they used muriatic acid to get the paint off the concrete floor of the porch. Now it is stained and we will need to have it painted or refinished to cover the staining. The boards around our garage still need to be replaced and we are not sure about how we are going to fix the siding that came off in jagged hunks when they removed the old boards. They also busted a sprinkler head and burned a hole in a chair cushion. There is so much more but I don’t have the energy to write it all.

My husband decided it was time to cut our losses and fire them and now we have to find someone to come fix this mess. This woman was terribly upset and cried because she’s never been fired from a job before. It really sucked because I really like her and hate to see her hurt. The lesson I’ve learned? To only hire professionals to paint or do carpentry.

Other drama I had was dealing with Madeline at her dance recital this weekend. She’s been off her ADHD medication for about two weeks and this weekend was proof more than ever that this child needs this medication. I got a taste of the Madeline that we were dealing with prior to starting the meds and quite honestly I can’t deal. She was hyper, impulsive, would not listen to me, and was argumentative. She would talk loud and was attention seeking. Also her tics had come back that day with a vengeance. It felt like all I was doing was telling her to not do this and not do that because so much of her behavior is socially unacceptable. I got so frustrated with her that I was mean. I told her that I can’t stand when she acts this way and that she is taking her pills whether she likes it or not. I feel bad. I hate when I lose my cool like that.

It was a long day. We were there from 9:30am until 10pm on Saturday and noon until ten on Sunday. She performed eleven times on Saturday. It was a lot and we were both crabby. Her MoJo was off and during her favorite dance number she fell during a flipover with her partner. They had nailed this move every time before now. I stopped feeling nervous about it because they seem to have it down. It was the last straw for Madeline. She’s a perfectionist like her mother and I knew it would rock her world. She came off the stage and tried to hide her embarrassment by being flippant and stating she meant to mess up. I guess in a nine year old’s mind that makes sense. As soon as she saw me she cried and I wanted to cry too. It took everything I had to not fall apart with her. She claimed to not feel well. She often claims to have a sore throat and a stomach ache whenever she’s not feeling “right”. It took me awhile to figure out that her inability to cope manifests in physical symptoms.

I apologized for being short with her earlier and told her that I understand why she’s not feeling good on the inside. When she has days like this it seems to me that she has an “itch” or icky feeling inside and moving a lot, talking loud, and her tics are a way for her to cope or hide what she’s feeling inside. It reminds me of my nephew who refused to poop on the toilet for awhile. He would hold his bowels and to deal with the uncomfortable feeling he would move around a lot and appear hyper. Unfortunately for Madeline this behavior can be annoying to adults and to me in particular.

We left the theater for an hour to get some fresh air and a change of scenery. I filled her up with water and food. We drove around and danced in the car to her favorite music. By the time we got back she felt better and mentally was ready to perform again. She did great until it was time for the dance number that she previously fell during. I knew she had psyched herself out when she told me that she hated this dance. I sent her on stage knowing she had already convinced herself she would fall again and sure enough she did. As she tumbled to the floor my heart broke in a million pieces. I knew she would have a hard time shaking it. She came off stage announcing that she laughed when she fell in an attempt to cover up her embarrassment. I reassured her that no one was laughing at her and that we were all relieved that she didn’t hurt herself. I reminded her that these things happen and ran down the list of things that went wrong in other numbers. There were other girls who fell or lost a shoe. One poor girl’s strap broke on her top while on stage. It happens. I told her I was proud of how she got up and continued dancing without missing a beat. She’s been dancing for 7 years and this was the first time she ever fell on stage. I told her that all dancers have a fall or embarrassing stage moment to tell. This seemed to make her feel better.

We had a good talk on the ride home about resuming her medication. She agreed to take it at night with food in hopes that she would sleep through any tummy discomfort. She has slept like a rock on the floor next to my bed for two nights so I’m hopeful that I can keep her on the medication. I have to admit that I like the medicated Madeline so much better than the non-medicated one. We get along better, less arguments, and I truly enjoy hanging out with her. What makes me the saddest about Madeline’s issues is that if I have moments that I don’t like her then there must be other adults that don’t like her either. In fact there is one mom that both Madeline and I can feel she does not like her. Her daughter is the exact opposite of Madeline and I don’t think she understands Madeline because her daughter’s issues are so different from Madeline’s. I’m realizing that I need to stay away from moms that can’t deal or understand what’s going on with Madeline. I hate feeling that she thinks Madeline behaves the way she does because I’m a bad mom. Madeline also picks up on it and her behavior worsens when she’s around people that make her feel unaccepted. I have enough doubts and uncertainties with raising a child with neurobehavioral issues that I don’t need another mom adding to it. It really sucks for me to feel embarrassed of Madeline’s behavior or to always be second guessing my parenting skills. I never thought I would feel this way. I try really hard to accept my kids for who they are and to nurture what they want to be. It’s all those damn other moms who are so quick to judge my situation when all isn’t perfect in their backyard either. I’m lucky to have several friends who look for the wonderful qualities of Madeline rather than the annoying ones. And I’m lucky to have her, Tourette’s, OCD, ADHD and all. She is full of so much love and has a heart of gold. She is very compassionate and caring. These are traits that only those that she feels accepted by get to see. She also heals me. I grew up in a family that did not hug or kiss. I don’t even remember ever hearing “I love you” from my parents. I do my best to shower my kids with hugs, kisses and I love you’s but I’m sure I could do it more often. Madeline helps remind me to show my love for them because she’s always hugging and kissing me. She’s also super generous with I love you’s. She does my heart good and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world. I just hope I don’t mess her up too bad. She’s my firstborn and I’m still trying to figure out this parenting gig.

Madeline’s neurologist prescribed Strattera a couple months ago to help control her ADHD. We started her on a night time dose and gradually increased it before switching her to a morning dose because it has a side effect of stomach upset. I was thrilled that it was working to calm her down and help her focus. It also chilled out her tics. She occasionally complained of a tummy ache but didn’t seem to have any other undesirable side effects. I thought we were smooth sailing until I found out she had stopped taking her pills.

I pulled out the couch to plug in my laptop. To my surprise I found ten yellow and white capsules on the floor behind the couch. I give Madeline her medicine every morning except on the weekends. I didn’t pay any attention to if she was actually ingesting them.

At first I was pissed that she was deceiving me. I couldn’t help wondering what else she is doing that I’m completely oblivious to. I was also angry that she would hide pills with a toddler in the house that puts everything but food in her mouth. But then again Madeline is only nine and I guess she doesn’t think of things like that. I was still pissed at her. It was a good thing that she was in bed for the night when I made this discovery. Sleeping on it gave me a chance to calm down. I wasn’t so mad anymore by morning and I had to chuckle to myself about how I did something similar when I was a kid. I hated meat and vegetables. My mom made me eat both anyway. When my mom wasn’t looking I would put the detested food behind the stove or under my bed or the couch. In my childish mind I thought I would never get caught but eventually did when my mom would finally figure out where “the odor” was coming from. I’m sure Madeline thought she would not get caught.

I asked her if she had any idea what I found behind the couch. She gave me a completely puzzled look until I told her what I found was yellow and white and in the shape of a capsule. She tried to hold back her nervous smile. I reminded her that she can’t hide anything from mommy because I will always end up finding out. I asked her why she stopped taking her pills. Turns out they were giving her more tummy aches than I was aware of. I gave her a quick lecture on how dangerous it was to hide pills because our pets or her younger siblings could have gotten a hold of them. I also reassured her that she could tell me anything and that I would be understanding. We kissed and made up.

I was going to leave her off the meds for the summer but her anxiety has increased over the last couple of days. She’s becoming fearful at night time and has been climbing in bed with me for the last two nights. I don’t want her anxiety getting out of control like it was last summer. I discussed this with her and she agreed to trying the pills at bedtime so she will sleep through the tummy ache. This time I watched her swallow the pills. So we’ll see. I do hope she will be able to tolerate them through the night. The other ADHD meds really aren’t an option for her because they will most likely make her tics and anxiety worse. I hate that she has to deal with this at such a young age.

There I said it. Does it make me a bad mom? I hope not.

I’ve never heard another mom say it out loud. Is that because other moms never have this feeling or because they keep it to themselves? Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. To. Death. I just have moments where I don’t like how my oldest behaves. She has a very attention seeking personality. That’s fine but I hate when she shows off or talks real loud to make sure everyone hears her. When there are other children that we don’t know standing next to us she’ll say things like, “I can’t wait to ride Kerri’s horses” or “That’s so cool that you are going to let me have a cell phone when I’m ten.” It will be completely unrelated to our conversation and spoken in a voice loud enough for the other child to hear while she’s glancing at the child to make sure they heard her. I consider it bragging and it makes me crazy. Bragging is a trait I despise in people and I’m shocked that I have a bragging child. I’ve talked to her about it but yet she still does it.

She really got on my nerves today. We had several of their friends over to play. Madeline was very hyper, bossy, and argumentative. I kept thinking my God how does this child have so many friends?

She’ll hit a sibling and then lie to my face about it. She’s also very argumentative with me. She can get so damn hyper when she’s among a group of people. There’s a social ineptness about her that I can’t seem to formulate into words.

I feel terrible when I have these feelings because I had hoped that I would be able to accept my children 100% for who they are. I also feel bad because I love this child so much that my heart hurts. On the flip side she is a very loving, thoughtful child. She has a very outgoing personality and she can be quite charming.

I often think about when she was a baby. My firstborn. My first time feeling the intense, overwhelming and vulnerable love for a child. I was so excited for her future and to watch her grow up. I promised her that I would give her all the love and support that I didn’t get as a child. I would daydream about her being smart and popular. I imagined her being able to sing, dance, and act. I hoped that she would be good at sports and love to read. I prayed that she would never know the dark depths of depression and have a zest for life. I prayed that I would be a good mother.

It seemed that easy. Hope. Pray. Imagine. I thought that if I gave her a great education, endless love and support that she would grow up to be the kind, loving human being that I imagined. I knew things would go wrong and there would be obstacles to face but I never imagine parenting would be THIS hard. No one told me that my children would embarrass me or bring me to my lowest of lows. No one told me that my children would tell me they hate me or make me feel rage I didn’t know I had. No one told me that there would be obstacles I would find hard to overcome. No one told me how loving them would hurt my heart and that I would worry myself sick.

Even as a baby Madeline was a very intense and spirited child. She threw tantrums that scared the Hell out of me and often left me wondering what I was doing wrong. We thought she was gifted because she spoke well at a young age and had advanced motor skills. She came across as much older than her age. She was quite the performer and still is. She dances competitively and has a great singing voice. It was quite a shock when I realized that she could not write her name or learn letter sounds like her friends of the same age. She was diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder. We had her tutored for many years and is now reading at her age level although her spelling is still difficult for her.

Around the age of six she had her first tic. She would sniff constantly as if she had a cold or allergies. We didn’t know it was a tic and we would yell at her to blow her nose. Poor baby. The tic disappeared as quietly as it appeared. That summer she began blinking her eyes. I contributed it to chlorine. She was on a swim team and swam very day. Once again the tic disappeared as quietly as appeared. By winter she had multiple tics and would sniff books and each bite of food before she put it in her mouth. I would watch her when she didn’t know I was looking. I was intrigued and horrified at the same time. My gut was telling me that it was Tourette’s Syndrome but my husband would brush it off. I felt so alone in my worries.

Every night before I went to bed I would stand over her bed and pray. I begged God to give me guidance and to help Madeline accept herself. I stood over her, looking at her beautiful face while the tears ran down my face. I felt sick at the thought of her being made fun of or not being accepted. I quietly promised her that I would teach her how to become a better person because of her struggles. I’m not exactly sure how to do it but I will figure it out. I rose above my wretched childhood so I know I’ve got it in me.

By summer her tics were at their worst. She would jump and kick her butt with her heels. I was horrified when I saw the circle bruises on her butt until I realized that they were from her constant jump/kick tic. She had several facial tics and had a spitting tic for a short time. That one bothered me the most because I worried that other adults would think she was a rude child devoid of manners. I’m also completely grossed out when people hack up a loogey and spit. I cringed every time she did it. She continued to sniff her food and for a long time she would touch her forehead, cheeks, chin, chest with each bite before eating it.

The amazing thing is how quickly we got used to her tics. So far she has not been teased and she openly talks about them. She has adopted our “it’s no big deal” attitude. Her tics really aren’t bothersome but the anxiety that crept up in her was exhausting. She was afraid of everything. Especially elevators and dark places. We went to Disney World and she was a ticcing anxious mess. She worried about our plane crashing and was fearful of any ride that looked dark and scary. It was a stressful trip and hubby and I fought most of it. I knew it was time to see a doctor.

We took her to a pediatric neurologist who diagnosed the Tourette’s. We opted to not medicate her since her tics weren’t affecting her daily life. I was concerned that she had PANDAS which stands for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infection. The theory is that OCD, tics, and/or anxiety is triggered by strept infections. It seem to apply to Madeline because she had repeated strept throat infections. In fact she had six infections between January and May of that year. Her doctor quickly dismissed it as hogwash. I’m not sure if it’s coincidental or not but after we had her tonsils out that August her tics and behavior greatly improved.

She’s tic free at the moment but her ADHD is at it’s worst. I’ll take the tics over her ADHD symptoms any day. Her argumentativeness over the last few months has put a strain on our family. I worry that my other children will feel resentful of how much of my time is spent dealing with Madeline. We started her on Strattera a month ago and we have seen some improvement. I can always tell how she’s doing by her handwriting. It is very sloppy when she’s disconnected and inattentive. Two weeks into the medication her handwriting greatly improved along with her grades.

So back to me not liking her at times. I’m disappointed that I have these feelings especially after how much my heart has bled over all she’s been through and will go through. I love her more than life itself. I don’t ever feel dislike for her when her behavior is out of control. In fact I love her more during those times because I can see in her eyes that she’s suffering. She often verbalizes remorse for her out of control behavior. It’s the bragging, bratty, bossy behavior that gets under my skin. I will continue to talk to her about how to be a good friend and a likable person. Beyond that I have to trust that she may work it out herself and grow up to be the kind human being I want her to be. I also know that I will have to accept that she may grow up to be someone that has traits I dislike and to still love her unconditionally.

Damn! Why didn’t someone tell me parenting would be the hardest thing I would ever do. Where’s that book?

I’m back from my mini vacation to Branson. I had fun just being with hubby and the kids even though it was not one of our better vacations. We didn’t stay at our usual condo that we love. Instead we stayed at The Grand Country Inn because they have an indoor water park. I knew the room wouldn’t be much because of how inexpensive it was but at least it was clean. The water park was perfect for the age of my kids but the water was way too cold on the first day but was much warmer the next. Someone must have complained. Thank God for complainers!

Our plan was to go to Silver Dollar City on Monday but it turns out that not only is it closed on Mondays but it doesn’t even open until next weekend. So onto plan B which we didn’t have. We let the kids pick what they wanted to do which was to visit Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Big waste of money! Like a $68 waste of money. To top it off Madeline slammed the car door on Connor’s hand which immediately bruised and swelled up. We spent the next two hours in an urgent care center to spend $206 to find out that no it was not broken. He was a brave little guy though!

We grabbed lunch then visited the Titanic Museum which was well worth the money. The kids loved it because we were given passports with a name of someone who was on the Titanic. They enjoyed looking for information and artifacts about themselves during our tour.

A vacation would not be complete without someone being sick which happened to be me. I have the mother of all head colds. You know the kind where your nose is stopped up but manages to still run. I’m quite a sight with my red nose, open mouth breathing, and dark eye circles from lack of sleep. Hubby says he’d still do me. Not sure if that’s a compliment though.

The great thing about family vacations is how well you get to know your kids. Well maybe it’s not always great but definitely informative. I think Isabelle may also have Tourette’s Syndrome because she was doing a lot of sniffing. She has done this sniffing for some time but it was more pronounced and evident that she can’t help it. Asking her about it made her do it even more. Sniffing was also Madeline’s first tic. So we’ll see. It would not surprise me if all my kids end up with Tourette’s. I just don’t breed well. At least they’re cute!

Madeline informed that her and her friends play a game where they tell each other their deepest, darkest secrets. She asked if I wanted to know what her secret was. I wasn’t so sure if I wanted to know the deepest, darkest secrets of my eight year old but I was quite relieved that her secret is that she loves the show Blues Clues. Ahhh, the innocence.

Connor told his daddy the sweetest thing. We threw coins in a fountain and made wishes. Later that night when we tucked them into bed Connor told my hubby that his wish was for the boo boo on his wrist to get better. (Hubby had surgery on a broken wrist two weeks ago). How sweet is that?

All in all it was a nice vacation and hopefully our kids will remember these times with fond memories.

Now I’m catching up on laundry, phone calls, and emails. Many of the emails are from my crazy estranged mother boo hooing about her skin cancer and in depth details about the cancer that was cut from her vulva. I should feel more sympathy for her but she pretty much brought it on herself. For many years she tanned in tanning beds every day and sometimes several times a day. We warned her that she was going to get skin cancer especially since her own mother had melanoma but she told us to mind our own business. Now she expects us at her side and taking care of her. I’m sorry but I’m a firm believer in taking care of your children so they will take care of you. I feel bad for her in the same way I do for anyone who is going through a difficult time but do I feel a desire to rush to her side and take care of her? Hell no! All she is getting from me is my prayers and that’s all I have to say about that.

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